At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 12 December 2014

Izzy's 5 positive things challenge!! :) Day 5! :)

Today I am going to share with you 5 of my goals.

I know from experience...when you become sick with an eating disorder, you become detached from real life in many ways; as everything you think and do is, really, centred around food. Your whole life, your daily routines, your plans for the future...for me anyway, all of these were constructed around the habits and behaviour practices established by my eating disorder. I would plan my day around restriction and false appearances and exercise. I never really thought about the future much because my head was always so preoccupied with thoughts of what I would continue to do in order to maintain my low weight and eradicate any chances of weight gain.

Instead of waking up on any particular morning when I was sick and thinking, say, "I'm going to aim today to get lots of study done, and then I'll have plenty of free time at the weekend to spend with my family." or maybe: "this week I'm going to try and get some research into what career choices I might have an interest in." ...instead of that sort of thing, my first immediate thought on awaking would be one of anxiety and apprehension. What would I do today to ensure I would eat as little as possible? Would someone pick up on what I was doing...would my secret be blown?

But now I see the error of my I clearly see and acknowledge just how much these ED thoughts dominated my mindset and essentially prevented me from allowing myself to dream, to have goals that I would love to achieve.

  1. To recover. To be completely and wholly free from my ED. To be able to enjoy food again and to eat the foods I love without guilt or anxiety. 
  2. To enter both the Irish and British Bake-Offs and make it onto TV (hahaha... well a girl is allowed to dream. ;)
  3. To travel, to see the go to all the places I have read of or heard about and experience them for be able to walk upon the sands of the Sahara and feel the grains between my toes. To be able to climb the rocky expanses of the Scottish highlands and gaze at the beautiful, desolate wildness of the landscape all about me. To scramble amongst the ruins of the Pantheon and wade in the waters of the Pacific. 
  4. To be able to walk again. To hike and climb mountains and explore all those spectacular natural gems of my home country and beyond.
  5. To have my own bakery...with me as the head baker of course. ;)


  1. What a greeeeat list of goals you ve got Emmy! *_*And what you write about these stupid daily routines your ED inhales you is soooo true :( I absoluteeeely feel so related to these ones :( they dominate so much and we have to fight against them by setting us the right goals ;)
    And I am smiliiiiiiiiiing so much about your list ;) reeeeeally made my day, because it is sooo cute :D can I come and join you in your idea of opening a bakery? ;) I would generously also do the second baker next to you as the head one ;) xxx

    1. Heyyy hun <3 :* awww thanks so much Ange hun!! I know hun, it is horrible how the ED makes us organise our days, routines, our whole lives around restriction and losing weight. For example hun I always used to plan doing my "study" at lunchtime when the rest of my family were eating...I would go and sit in my room saying I would eat later. But I never did, back then hun :( But thankfully hun that's all changed now. I never want to go back to my old habits ever again.
      yes hun exactly - it is such a good idea to realise that you DO have goals that can only be achieved if you recover!!! It is great motivation hun and further strengthens our resolve to beat the stupid ED!!

      Awww hun thank you!! Aww! <3 :* OF COURSE you can hun!! I would absolutely love that!! You can show me how to make lebkuchen hun!!! ;) Oh no hun I wouldn't be in charge now hun it would be equal ;) aww you are just the sweetest person ever hun <3 <3 <3 xxxxxxxxx

    2. Oooh you are so right Sweetie :( it is terrible how we let this illness rule our thoughts :) but we now have to focus on the it rulED for a while, but NOT NOW anymore right ? =)
      Oh this makes me so sad to hear Emmy, sounds the way you didn´t know what to do anymore.. And it makes me nooooow so much happy to hear, you are able to cope with it!!! Never looking and going back is sooo great Emmy!!! I am so proud of how much you already achieved and in future will!!! :) :-*
      Hahaaaaaaaa :-* You are so cute :) this really made my day and made me laugh so hard, believe me :D ;) oh yeees I will show you, if I can do them by myself, buuut I love baking as well as you do hun ;) Aaaaaaaw *_* so sweet, this would be so greeeeat ;) I am honestly really looking forward to this idea ;) and forward to learning from you, because you seem like a real chief/expert in baking :-* Ohhh how nice you are, I can only give that sweeeeet compliment back to you <3 xxx

    3. You are so right hun! :) We now must both learn to be the ones in control, and to not have the ED make the decisions for us!
      Aww thank you so much hun! <3 Aww I am glad I made you smile !! Aww baking is brilliant hun!! My favourite hobby ever ;) heehee I wouldn't say I am an expert now hun, I have learned a good bit ever since I started, but I am sure you know just as much as me hun!! I love the way baking can be so individual and how each country has their own unique range of baked produce. When i think of Germany and baking hun, I think of Black Forest Gateau and the I correct in assuming that? ;) So you see hun, there is so much you could teach me ;) I have never made either of those before hun!! Though I might try soon and dedicate the post for you hun :* xxxxxxxxx

    4. Aaaaaaabsolutely!!! ;) I totally agree with you Emmy *_* you are such a nice person, reeeeeeally ;) you always motivate me to keep it up!;) Hahaaa i think you really are a maaaaster :) just have a look at all of your lovely cakes and different ideas :) Oh yeees and you are right baking includes such a big variety and all the different flavors are so amazing =) and the way they can be combined so vaaaast =) Hahaaa I never actually made a black forest cake, but I think it can be a little bit tricky, but I would love to give it a try ;) what is your most preferred cake, you always love to bake? ;) So your absoooolutely favorite one? ;) would be so curiouuuus to know :)
      Aaaaaaaaaaaw *_* you would really do this? Omg, this would be the cutest thing ever hun ;)
      Sending you loots of looove ;)

    5. Awww hun thank you so much <3 and it is the same for me hun, I am always so inspired by your strength and positive outlook! <3 <3 <3 Aww hun I wouldn't say I'm a master heehee ;) I am a simple baker really!! Though I do like a challenge every now and again ;) Hmmm that is such a hard question hun!!! I think hun the thing I enjoy MAKING the most would be either those marbled cupcakes, or butterfly buns...though I really love making bread too hun, I find that so theraputic. Though personally hun, I am more of a biscuit than a cake person, so say if you offered me a plate of cookies and a piece of cake, I would take the cookies hun ;) And of course there is the added advantage of being able to dunk them in hot choc hun!! ;)
      Awwww of course I would hun!! It would be a pleasure!! <3 Are there any other traditional German things apart from your lebkuchen hun I could bake? ;) Awwwww thanks so much hun <3 You are so lovely!! <3 Have a great day hun! <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    6. Aaaaaw :-* thaaaaank you so much Emmy ;) I only can give your words back to uuuu ;) Hahaaa oh yes, I believe you are! Look at all those lovely pics of your baked goodies ;) I am also happy, always I am getting some new challenge, so tomorrow for example I am going to make some "Donauwellen" for my Dads birthday on Friday ;) sooo excited :S Ooooh those butterfly buns just look so cute hun*_* Oh to baking some bread, I am not used to it, I am sorry ;) I never did one, but seems like fun as well, am I right? =)
      Hahaaa according to the cookie thing, I think I am somehow similar ;) I would also rather prefer biscuits than a piece of cake I think ) but it always depends on the kind of it: the chocolate and vanilla ones are always my favs and cheesecake is something I looooove, too =)
      Hahaaa the hot choc agaaaaaaaain ;) so sweet
      Aaaaaaaaaw*_* this would be soooooooooooo nice of you hun ;) Puuuuh let me think about this: probably some "Donauwellen" as I do them tomorrow, "Bienenstich"or "Streuselkuchen" ( a little bit like your crumble"), Marmorkuchen ;) Omg there would be so many things, but they are so difficult to be explained ;)
      Aaaaaaw you too ;) :-* Enjoooy your daaaaay ;) <3 <3 xxx

    7. Awww hun the things you say are just so lovely <3 Thank you so much for such sweet compliments hun they really do mean so, so much to me hun, much more than you might think ;) Dawwwhhh danke hun I do my best to make them look as enticing as possible in the photos!! ;)
      Aww butterfly buns are adorable hun!! I love making them!! ooh I may make them soon hun and put my own recipe for them on here!! Aww bread-baking is so fun hun! You should so try it ;) are there any traditional German breads or pastries hun?
      Awww hun I must research all of these delicious things!! I have to admit hun I have never heard of them, but I believe you when you say they are yummy!! ;)
      Yes I absolutely ADORE biscuits hun!! especially Oreos, cookies, oat biscuits, digestives...ooh hun there are too many to mention!!! And I just love dunking a chocolate-coated biscuit into my hot drink and making all the chocolate melt!! ;)
      Oh my hun one cake I do love is biscuit cake (though that is sort of a collaboration of both biscuit and cake of course ;) ) , have you ever tasted that one hun?
      Aww thanks hun!! You too!! <3 xxxxxxx