I know from experience...when you become sick with an eating disorder, you become detached from real life in many ways; as everything you think and do is, really, centred around food. Your whole life, your daily routines, your plans for the future...for me anyway, all of these were constructed around the habits and behaviour practices established by my eating disorder. I would plan my day around restriction and false appearances and exercise. I never really thought about the future much because my head was always so preoccupied with thoughts of what I would continue to do in order to maintain my low weight and eradicate any chances of weight gain.
Instead of waking up on any particular morning when I was sick and thinking, say, "I'm going to aim today to get lots of study done, and then I'll have plenty of free time at the weekend to spend with my family." or maybe: "this week I'm going to try and get some research into what career choices I might have an interest in." ...instead of that sort of thing, my first immediate thought on awaking would be one of anxiety and apprehension. What would I do today to ensure I would eat as little as possible? Would someone pick up on what I was doing...would my secret be blown?
But now I see the error of my ways...now I clearly see and acknowledge just how much these ED thoughts dominated my mindset and essentially prevented me from allowing myself to dream, to have goals that I would love to achieve.
- To recover. To be completely and wholly free from my ED. To be able to enjoy food again and to eat the foods I love without guilt or anxiety.
- To enter both the Irish and British Bake-Offs and make it onto TV (hahaha... well a girl is allowed to dream. ;)
- To travel, to see the world...to go to all the places I have read of or heard about and experience them for myself...to be able to walk upon the sands of the Sahara and feel the grains between my toes. To be able to climb the rocky expanses of the Scottish highlands and gaze at the beautiful, desolate wildness of the landscape all about me. To scramble amongst the ruins of the Pantheon and wade in the waters of the Pacific.
- To be able to walk again. To hike and climb mountains and explore all those spectacular natural gems of my home country and beyond.
- To have my own bakery...with me as the head baker of course. ;)