At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 22 December 2014

2014...the year when everything changed.

Hello everyone :)
Well where do I begin. So many things I want to blog about, so many ideas I want to put into words, so many feelings and thoughts I want to express.

But as 2014 draws to a close, I thought it would be befitting today to look back upon this year as it was. For me, anyway, this year has stood, and always will stand, as a fundamental chapter in my life, in my story as a whole...and in my struggle against my own eating disorder, of course.

It was the year in which, ever since my eating disorder developed, I reached my lowest weight. This was probably due to the fact that, for the first part of this year, almost every single day I would skip at least one meal and was overexercising my body to the point of exhaustion.

It was probably the year when my eating disorder was at its worst. I haven't a clue what my bmi was in spring 2014...but I'm guessing my weight was way below 35 kg.:(

It was also the year when I finally, after years and years of denial, that I ackowledged that something which was shocking, sharply painful, and horribly overwhelming in its harsh reality...but which I know now was a truth that it was crucial for me to realise and accept.

I have an eating disorder...

So yes...2014  certainly does stand as a pivotal moment for was a fork in the long, winding, seemingly never-ending dark road which has been my experience of an eating disorder. A cold, harsh road...a road lined with thorns and brambles and stones which make your body bleed and bring tears to your eyes.

But I found the fork...and then I changed my path. Instead of blindly stumbling upon that way - which would have inevitably led to my own destruction, eventually - I decided that now was the time to change direction. I was going to try everything in my power to change change the way I thought about food and my body. To change my appalling eating habits and my sparse food intake and my diet - which was consisted of little more than what a child would eat, looking back at it now. To change my life, essentially. Because one day that same eating disorder, if I continued to let it dominate my thoughts and govern every single thing I did and ate - I know that same eating disorder would have killed me.

And so for my next post I want to share with year, of 2014. What I have experienced, what I have been through, what I have achieved, and what I have overcome.


  1. Realising and telling yourself you have an eating disorder is one of the hardest things in recovery (at least in my opinion :)) But thats a necessary step and even if its hard its a good thing that you realise this! it took me a while to realise i had an ED. But at certain points it was proven to me and I realised that denying it wouldn't get me anywhere.
    Starting recovery, real recovery, is one of the best choices you'll ever make, if not the best one. And imagine this, you CAN be recovered if you want to! It all depends on you, you chose if you will recover and at what pace. I hope you are doing ok and hope you have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy it to the fullest!! :)

    1. I can't agree more hun - it's an incredibly hard thing to do. That was why I think this year was such a significant turning point for me. For years I was convinced I was "Normal" - that I was just a girl with a small appetite and who was naturally thin. But I know now that that was not true and that the eating habits and patterns I regarded as "normal" were anything but that.

      What was hardest for me to accept though I think was something I want to talk a little more about in one of my next few posts...that being, of course, the fact that after gaining weight during the summer and feeling like I was well on the way to recovery, just last month I was officially diagnosed by a doctor and have been referred for specialist treatment. But I know I have made progress and I am in a much better place then I was at the beginning of this year. It's easy to just give up and feel like a failure but I know that as long as I keep strong and not revert back to my old ways, then I WILL make it to full recovery!

      thank you so much for your support hun, it means so so SO much to me <3 hearing from amazing people like you and exchanging experiences of what we have been through in suffering from this awful disease is such an enormous help to me. I hope you have a truly magical and special Christmas too hun <3 :* Lots of love from Ireland <3 <3 <3 xxxxx