Well where do I begin. So many things I want to blog about, so many ideas I want to put into words, so many feelings and thoughts I want to express.
But as 2014 draws to a close, I thought it would be befitting today to look back upon this year as it was. For me, anyway, this year has stood, and always will stand, as a fundamental chapter in my life, in my story as a whole...and in my struggle against my own eating disorder, of course.
It was the year in which, ever since my eating disorder developed, I reached my lowest weight. This was probably due to the fact that, for the first part of this year, almost every single day I would skip at least one meal and was overexercising my body to the point of exhaustion.
It was probably the year when my eating disorder was at its worst. I haven't a clue what my bmi was in spring 2014...but I'm guessing my weight was way below 35 kg.:(
It was also the year when I finally, after years and years of denial, that I ackowledged that something which was shocking, sharply painful, and horribly overwhelming in its harsh reality...but which I know now was a truth that it was crucial for me to realise and accept.
I have an eating disorder...
So yes...2014 certainly does stand as a pivotal moment for me...it was a fork in the long, winding, seemingly never-ending dark road which has been my experience of an eating disorder. A cold, harsh road...a road lined with thorns and brambles and stones which make your body bleed and bring tears to your eyes.
But I found the fork...and then I changed my path. Instead of blindly stumbling upon that way - which would have inevitably led to my own destruction, eventually - I decided that now was the time to change direction. I was going to try everything in my power to change everything...to change the way I thought about food and my body. To change my appalling eating habits and my sparse food intake and my diet - which was consisted of little more than what a child would eat, looking back at it now. To change my life, essentially. Because one day that same eating disorder, if I continued to let it dominate my thoughts and govern every single thing I did and ate - I know that same eating disorder would have killed me.
And so for my next post I want to share with you...my year, of 2014. What I have experienced, what I have been through, what I have achieved, and what I have overcome.