At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday 28 November 2015

Food for Thought... xxx

So a few weeks into my grand ole' blogging revival (if you wish to call it that ;) ), and so I thought it was time for me to reflect a little on how things are going for me in turns of fighting the ED voice and sticking to my meal plan.

And so, the big question is, of course - how exactly am I getting on with it. And, thanks to the care, support, encouragement and advice of you, my readers (I've said it once, but Im going to say it again.. ( and again and again and again, later on, probably, so apologies if it does get a bit repetitive, but truly, i really do mean it...just thank you, thank you, thank you...you are all just so amazing and you have my eternal gratitude and love <3.) and of my supportive friends and loved ones...I'm happy enough with how I am progressing, at the moment anyway. There's a been a few hiccups, of course - as is usually the case with me, nothing is ever as perfect as I would like it to be. But I still feel as if I could do more, though. That I could push myself that little bit harder. It's an ongoing, furious battle between ED and me: and to say that it is me who always emerges as the victor would be a lie, as this is not always, always the case. The other day, for example, I didn't have my morning snack. I had an absolutely mad morning at college, and what with going to the seminars and running for the train and everything else...the Voice convinced me that I didn't have time to stop for a few minutes and eat my snack..

Over the past few weeks I I haven't been checking the weight either...I suppose this is something which I need to start doing, again. :( it's going to be hard - God knows that I absolutely hate standing on that detestable instrument of torture - but I know it is sort of necessary...just so I can keep an eye on it, monitor it I suppose until I get it bback to where it should be. My relationship with the scales has always been a bit problematic, to say the least. I transverse between phases, as far as my weight and the scales are concerned;the former of which would involve a studious avoidance, and complete distancing from, all awareness of the actual number. In the throes of the latter, on the other hand, I would usually find myself, on a pretty much daily basis, hopping on and off, on and off the darned thing that sits like some sort of grotesque, all-powerful, omnipotent silver robot in the bathroom upstairs; staring, each time, at the digits which would appear above my feet - digits which would thus be ascribed on my memory for the remainder of the day; repeating themselves over and over and over again, driving me almost to distraction as they echo mockingly through my head. So yes, it's true to say that I frequently negotiate between the two extremes. For me, as is for so many others, I am sure, the happy medium always seems so unreachable and unattainable.

Anyway. I am working on it, and I will keep on working on it. I don't want to live my life in fear of the number. I mean...it's a number!! And I do not need a skinny identity to be happy...no matter what that b**** of a Voice says. 

so here are my Goals for the Week :) - 
  • Have a scone with hot choc for afternoon snack on Sunday
  • Have 2 tsp of peanut butter on my toast instead of 1
  • Clean my pudding bowl and my dinner plate every night from now on
  • stick to meal plan 100 %
  • Have egg mayo in my roll on Tuesday

I am going to see how this week goes anyway and then based on that I might try and increase my intake again soon, depending on how I get on.

Anyway: here is the plan for tomorrow: and by writing it on here, I know that I WILL stick to it, one hundred and fifty percent. <3 xxx
Hot choc + marshmallows with Lizzy...the chocolate snowflake on top really made my day <3

Breakfast: Multigrain toast + 2 tsp peanut butter
                  Bowl of malt wheats + milk

Mid-morning Hot choc <3

Lunch Brown seeded roll, cherry tomatoes, cheddar cheese
           Green apple

Afternoon snack Hot choc <3
                              Blackberry scone and spread

Dinner Salmon, roast potatoes and vegetables
             Banana, custard, and bbar's worth of chopped Milka Oreo. <3

Bedtime Hot choc <3

Thank you so, so much for staying with me. Your comments and advice and emails, and everything else; even for just taking the time to read my blog. It really does mean the World to me. I could never have gotten back up again without your help and I just want you all to know how important you are to me. <3 xxx




10 comments:

  1. Good goals, but you realize that 2 tsp of pb, is still barely anything. If you don't measure and just put in a good amount it is at least a tbsp...

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    1. hello :) <3 thank you so much for your comment, and you are right..now I think about it it really isnt much at all. I suppose it seemed like it was to me because during my relapse I had ut out pb altogether even though I loved it..I will definitely keep your advice in mind. Thanks so much and have a lovely day.xxx

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    2. I am sorry, I just read my comment and it sounded very rude! I didn't mean it like that at all. Have a lovely day and keep up the great work! :) xoxo

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    3. oh no please dont apologise!! You are so right and I am really, really glad you pointed this out for me <3 thank you so much for all your support, I appreciate it so much <3 take care! xxxx

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  2. Hey, Dear..;) start to go on your nervesß
    ut just thought I would like to wish you a good first "Advent"...My "relationship is the sbsolutely same...
    My boyfriend wants me all the time to buy one, and to step in front of him... well, you are so strong, I believe to see it (and I`m fightingtoo-well. my bf kind of gave me an "ultimatum" untill christmas..if I haven`t put on some weight... I`m actually very sad about it, but some kind of understand...and I don`t want to go as an inpatient ANY MORE, but I also don`t want to loose him..=well, sorry, too much about me..
    just say that your blog really is kind of important to me-honestly;)
    Much love(is it possible to write this in English)-much, alot of love, Theresa

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    1. oh happy Advent to you too dear <3 and please know that you could NEVER get on my nerves I am so happy to hear from you. And I couldn't agree more. The weight aspect of recovery really is so tough! Please stay strong and allow your bf to support you - I can't stress enough how important support is in recovery. I know how hard this must be for you..if there is anything I can do please let me know. <3 Your words really mean the world to me Theresa and you are very important to me too. Take care, lots of love, emmy <3 xxx

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  3. Thank you for your answer, dear Emily!
    I would like you some question...what is your opinion of Winnie Maud(as far as you know it) and YourEatopia?
    Have you ever experienced "binging, eating attacs"?
    I`m very afraid, but sometimes i wish I could..just eat a VERY lot, to make some change...But then, I fear so much being full, being bigger...so, I don`t change anything...
    I always try to put on weight "controlled", but at the moment it doesn`T really work, and as I said before, I really fear to loose everything because of anorexie... so, I wonder, just try to eat a very lot (I need about 2500kcal to maintain, so I do not eat so little, but I hate being full, this "bodyfeeling")...it is so stupid!!!
    Have a nice day, take care,
    Theresa

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    1. It's no bother dear! Well, I wouldn't know much about Minne Maud methods hun. I read some of their articles and I thought their approach sounded good, but I wouldn't be the best person to ask..I would always try and get the advice of an actual doctor or dietitian if you can hun, it's always the safer option..

      I've never suffered binging hun - though it's true to say I have always had a fear of it happening some time.But I understand exactly what you mean dear. I had a moment like that today. I wanted to have several big tablespoons of peanut butter, but I stopped myself, thinking, "Oh my god, I am going to lose control and eat the whole jar if I do that" . It's so tough. My advice would be hun, to allow yourself to eat alot more than what you were having, without going overboard. ALOT is good and is what you should be aiming for.l just think for us hun, VERY lot is not the best idea because afterwards the fullness and the "guilty feelings" are very hard to cope with. But that said, I think it's great that you feel as if you could eat more - be generous with your food hun and ask people to support you! they should help you to ensure you are eating plenty and enough..But honestly hun, aim for MORE than what you have been having. Your body will thank you for it. <3 xxx

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  4. For me the scales are an instrument of torture the voice uses against me. Whatever the number is, it is always wrong. In the eyes of my anorexia it is always too high, but I try the hardest not to step on the scales when my voice forces me, because I will always be the loser in this vicious circle. I don't want a number to control my life, my happiness, my freedom. It sounds so easy, but it is so hard and frightening. Stay strong my dearest friend, don't let the voice win.
    I send you all my love and strength
    Maria

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    1. <3 oh hun, such wise words, you are so strong i am so proud of you hun <3 we should not have to live our lives in fear of the numbers hun <3 we can so do this together, both of us need to accept hun, that that number IS just a number and nothing more, it does not define us. All my love back to you dear <3 xxxx

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