At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 26 November 2015

This time, I won't forget...

All those months ago, way back in March, on that day when I was finally allowed to leave that secluded, detached, imprisoning walls of the eating disorder ward...I felt a palpable, unfamailar sensation pulsating through every vein in my body; an adrenaline, sweet even in the fury of its rush; beautiful, even in its striking unfamiliarity: it was nothin, nothing like I had ever experienced before. I felt as if I had overcome the battle. A Battle which had been so long, so hard, so excruciatingly painful; a battle through which I had shed countless tears; which had cost me, and my loved ones, untellable amounts of hurt and heartache and suffering; blow upon blow falling upon us like the pitiless waves of a maddened stormy sea, crashing against the trembling creatures of the rockpools, tearing and destroying everything in their wake.

I have overcome the Battle, I had thought. I felt like a bell: my whole body was ringing, vibrating, resonating with an unquenchable, indescribable, irresistable, overwhelming sense of pure, vibrant, joy.

But then the days passed and the winds changed...

And I allowed myself to forget....

forget everything which I had overcome, everything which I had been fighting for. Everything which ED had taken from me, everything that it could still take from me...if I did not continue to fight it, fight it with every single bone in my body.

I allowed myself to forget...and then, before I knew it, ED had jumped in, having taken its opportunity when I was at my most vulnerable, and suddenly, my joy was shattered. That feeling of pure happiness seemed as distant and as unreachable as the moon. It seemed as if I had never achieved anything, had overcome, anything. It was as if nothing had ever changed.

But now I realise that I was wrong...and that, no matter how many times I fall down, I can pick myself up again, and carry on with my head held high.

For a stumble in the road does not mark the end of the journey. 

And though there were storm clouds blocking out my horizon,

The winds of change are blowing again, blowing away those clouds.

And in their place I can clearly see, my own glowing, twinkly little stars. :) xxx

And so today I thought I would write this little post, to remind myself of the things that I once forgot, which ED made me forget.

But not this time, Ed.

This Time, I will not Forget. <3 xxx

  • That this is my body, the only one that I have and will ever have. But for the past nine years, I have relentlessly abused and mistreated the most valuable and priceless of all of my possessions;  depriving it of its most basic and most fundamental of its needs, mercilessly pushing it to the very brink of exhaustion. And never once did it occur to me to stop and contemplate just how much damage I was causing my body...
Don't forget...Your body is irreplaceable. It will do everything in its power to take care of you, to protect you and keep you safe, functioning, alive. But like all animate things, there is only so much that the human body can take.
I won't forget this time...that every day I spend restricting, every day I spend overexercising, every day which I spend, giving in to Ed, ignoring my body's signals and forcing myself to go hungry...that I am just wasting yet another day of my life, sacrificing it to the cruel voice of Ed. Causing my body even more damage...damage which my body, having been already endured so much abuse for so many, many years, might well not be able to repair, this time...
I won't forget...that if I do not make that change, maintain that change, and learn to take proper care of my body, then there might come a time when it is too late. I will hit rock bottom and then I will realise; realise that every minute of every hour of every day, I should have given recovery all that I had...but then, it will be too late.

So now is the time to stop allowing myself to forget...what truly matters. To stop putting recovery aside; to stop complying with the demands and dictations of theVoice. To never, ever forget the importance of caring for my body, right here, right now. I cannot afford to waste a single day more.
  • Thistime, I will not forget...
 That yes, I do have serious osteoporosis. Not just for a day, a week or maybe even a year: no, I have it for life. And that if I do not make that change now, my osteoporosis will only deteriorate ever further: my already weak, brittle, delicate bones will suffer enormously, as a result. I don't like to think of what that will mean for me. All I know is, that I cannot forget that this might well be my final chance. We stop taking calcium into our bones when we reach our thirties, so I have been told. And so, the next few years will be, for me, pivotal in striving to improve my bones. Which is exactly why I must never allow myself forget the importance of maintaining my recovery, and of nourishing my body and giving by bones the best possible chance of strengthening themselves while they still can.

  • I won't forget, that now I have the best possible chance of helping my metabolism to recover, if I stay strong and continue to eat well and frequently thoughout the day.

  • I won't what I have put my loved ones through. I won't ever forget their unconditional, unflatering love for me, despite all the pain and the sorrow and the heartache. I won't allow myself to forget just how much they have done for me...and how much pride, and joy, it would bbring them to see me happy and healthy.

  • I won't forget how fleeting, how valaule, how precious life really is. I won't forget that this is my nly ever chance at life...that tomorrow ould be my last. And that if I chose to remain with Ed, then There is nothing left for me in that place, but pain and and depression unhappiness. I must leave that place behind, walk towards that beautiful yet unknown horizon. <3 xxx


  1. You're a step closer to that unknown horizon with every tear <3

  2. So true... sometimes i wonder why recovery has to be so painful, but in fact, being ill is it not less...we have to be so careful all the time, because relapse happens easier than -at leastI- ever thought!
    And all the pain we do to our loved ones...
    I wish you that you might find a good therapy again soon- keep fighting (I also try...), send you much love and- aigain...:)really like your blog (and, of courde WHAT you write;))!

    Arrgh, and sorry for my poor English(

    1. <3 thank you so much, you are just too kind <3 I wish you all the luck in the world in your recovery too, please stay strong and know that I am always here to listen if you need someone to talk to. love and best wishes. xxx

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  4. Never forget that the voice wants to kill all victims and we have to disobey to what our enemy wants us to do. I think so much of you, i am at your side.
    You are so strong and you are not alone. We all fight together.
    Love Maria

    1. <3 and you are forever in my heart dear, we can do this together I know it. Thank you so much for your email dear- I will try to reply to them today I am so, so sorry for my lateness hun <3 all my love to you Maria <3 xxx