At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 14 November 2015

Step 2: Tear down those rules!!! :D

Ah, yes. Ed's rules. It has...alot of them. And God forbid you ever disobey them. On pain of death, would I go against them...but Ed, in keeping with its malicious, sly, devious nature, is quite adept at essentially romanticizing, idealizing these rules so that they become fixed in your head as proper, indisputable, and entirely acceptable. Oh, you say I can't have a scone? Oh, well, ok...I suppose you are right. It would be entirely wrong of you, em, to eat a scone with your hot choc...and it will make you gain weight, and it will that, if you eat that single scone with your hot choc, then your resistance will be broken, and you won't be able to stop eating scones. So NO!! you are not allowed a scone...

But you know what, Ed?? I have had enough of living by your rules.

It's time to break those rules and make my own ones, essentially: to start a revolution, to rebel against the Voice that is trying to tie us down with its manipulative, twisted, corruptive,  lies.

And so for my post today, I thought I would gather together all of Ed's rules; get them out onto paper, so that they're there, exposed, out in the open - vulnerable. It didnt take me too long to come up with them. Because after all, I know them all too well, I guess...
  • You always have to leave something on your bowl/plate/mug.
  • You cannot say you are hungry or phrases such as "that looks nice" etc.
  • You always have to pick bits off food.
  • You always have to spread food around your plate and take tiny mouthfuls.
  • You are allowed a teaspoon of peanut butter maximum on toast/bread etc.
  • You are not allowed to buy yourself any kind of food when you are on your own in Dublin.
  • If you have hot choc mid-morning, you are only allowed cereal or toast for breakfast, not both.
  • You are only allowed to put a tiny amount of filling in your sandwiches/rolls at lunch, and if you have more that that then you must compensate later on.
  • You cannot have any snacks with your hot choc except maybe (maybe? like, that's a big maybe) a few nuts, or a tiny piece of bread, scones, biscuits, etc.
  • It's impossible for you to follow your meal plan anymore. You have to leave out at least one thing...and the more you do not have, the better.
But now it's time to break those rules!!!!

It's EM vs ED!!!

Emmy's OWN rules...

  • Clean my bowl, mug and plate
  • If I feel hungry then I can say so - that's perfectly normal!!!
  • Don't pick off bits of food - what's the need for that? Unless you've cremated your toast Em there's no need!!
  • I don't need to spread out my food, or take tiny mouthfuls. Just eat at speed which is comfortable for me, but not painfully slow.
  • I can have as much pb as I in order to break this rule I am going to try and eat 1 and a half tsp of peanut bbutter as a starter, and then increase it a little more if I feel like it, until I feel comfortable in eating as much as I like without guilt.
  • I can buy stuff out for myself..if I fancy a hot choc from Butlers when Im walking by then I can go in and get one and enjoy it. (this is a big challenge for me to do - I love going for hot choc with a friend but up till now I would never dream of going in alone and getting one for myself!!)
  • Of course I can have hot choc after cereal and toast - thats part of my meal plan and I can do it
  • I will put a nice amount of filling in my sandwiches - protein is important for me to have. This is something which I have been managing well over the past few days as Mam has been helping me make lunch  - now all I need to do is prove that I can do it alone too.
  • I can have a good snack with my hot choc and I am going to vary my snacks depending on what I feel like.
  • And I CAN follow my meal plan. It's what my body needs and what I want to do.
Feeling motivated!!!! :) <3 xxxx

So hence begins our (because i want YOU to join me, too <3 ) battle...

Our battle to tear down ED's rules...<3 xxxx


  1. We have to be disobedient to destroy the voice, it is terribly hard to change a behaviour that has caused so much pain, but it is necessary to create a positive attitude towards ourselves, we are all worth to live a wonderful life. The voice is our enemy and it needs to be destroyed. Your way is so helpful, thank you so much!
    All my love, Maria

    1. <3 you are so welcome hun. it is a useful thing to do alright..we really have to do the OPPOSITE of what the Voice says hun, face those fears head on. I hope you are okay dear and staying strong for me <3 all my love back to you <3 xxxx