The fear of sitting still. :(

There is something else now I would like to talk about, which isn't exactly and directly related to food and eating, but can still be thought of as linked to ED behaviour and symptons in some way. This being overexercising and the fear of actually sitting still. Again, I suppose some normal, healthy people who have never been touched by anything to do with an ED may think of this as pathetic or non-sensical...and I say, again, well yes, perhaps it may be...but, as I hope you've come to realise if you've read some other posts of My Cocoa-Stained Apron, an ED is very much a mental disease more than anything else...it really affects the way a person thinks, and feels, and then accordingly acts as a result of that train of thinking.

For many ED sufferers, along with eating as little as possible, exercising excessively is yet another way to try to burn off those few calories and eradicate all chances of that one ultimate fear...gaining weight. And so it was for me, I suppose. Every day I had to get a certain amount of exercise done...as I was convinced that this set amount was what, along with that set amount of food that I allowed myself to consume, was what kept me skinny and prevented me from becoming fat, or gaining weight. And if I didn't get that set amount done by the end of the day...I would bbe so, so restless and agitated and anxious. I would go to bed with my mind whirring at a hundred miles per hour, wondering desperately how I was going to make up for those minutes of exercise that I hadn't done...God, will it be raining tomorrow?? Will I be able to getout on the lane and exercise?? Oh please, please, please may it not be raining!! I NEED to make up for today, I need to! Even if this time I had "missed" out on was only, say, quarter of an hour or something...this wasn't good enough for me. 

I say "exercise", but the one thing that could be said for me I suppose was that it actually wasn't strenuous exercise, or anything. I have always loved walking...the ideal start to any day, for me, is to hop out of bed, put the lead on Benny, my springer spanial, and to just get out into the fresh air for a long, brisk walk. But when I was ill...well, walking became, for me, an obsession...I had to get at least 90 minutes of brisk walking done every single day, whatever the weather, no matter how busy I was with other things, no matter how tired, down, or bodysore I felt. I pounded down our lane every day, when I was at home, for hour upon hour every week; and when I was in Dublin, it was the same...I would walk through those city streets looking at my watch every five seconds, timing how far I had walked and making a mental note of this in my head.

Fortunately for me, the walking was as far as it went...of course, I wished I was able to play sports, and run, and so on...but I was too shy and nervous to attempt to join a sport club or go to the gym in college. And even I wasn't so caught up in my ED thoughts to not be aware that my body was struggling; that it was tired, that it was nearing the brink of exhaustion. So I walked...and walked..and walked. Even when it was lashing rain outside or was freezing cold and slippery underfoot; or if I hadn't slept at all the night before due to stress or hunger, and my head and body would be literally crying out for sleep, for rest...I would be oblivious to it all. 

I know I am of a restless disposition: I always have been, and sitting around doing nothing or lazing about in bed till midday will never really be my thing. And I will always love to walk...and that's ok; walking is a wonderful enjoyable way to exercise, and it will always give me so much pleasure. But to exercise I know now...I need to eat. I need to exercise in moderation and in tune with what I am nourishing my body with. And I understand niw, too, that if there is the odd day that I just don't want to exercise...then that is ok, too. After all, there are plenty of other things I can do with my time instead; I don't need to pace the house in a frustrated state of agitation, trying to burn off something, just something, anything...because I didn't exercise enough today!! No, I no longer have to do that. I'm learning to listen to my body...and to overcome my former fear of sitting still.

Ripple pud...

another post I dedicate to my mam...and the amazing pud she made me last night :)Just three things...that being a big banana (happy days, it was even at the right stage of ripeness...yellow with a wee it if green: for me, that makes an ideal banana. I'm not too keen on overripe bananas...think I'd rather eat a near-green one. ;) ) , lots of custard (Tesco bogstandard...but it's gorg and only 65c a pack :) ) and, of ourse, a whole Galaxy Ripple, which Mam vigorously smashes with a wooden spoon while it's still in its packet, before then opening the paper and letting the wonderful flaky bits of chocolate drizzle aesthetically over the custard. Some bbits melt, others manage to stay whole and maintain their distinctive shard shape. What I always find curious about melting choc is how much less it appears to be when it's melted...and how less time it takes you to eat it, as well. Who would think there is a whole Ripple in that bowl? ;)

Twirl and Flakes are good for this too, of course, though I do think Ripple is my ultimate favourite. 

A very muddy mud pie. :)

Now I did say I, if you recall a former post, that I was going to make something sweet in the shortcrust pastry line. Shortcrust pastry...oh, such grief it has caused me in the dim and distant past.  Honestly! Many a time I have made it and have either undercooked it or overcooked it; or made it greasy by handling too much, or...ahh, that's the thing with pastry I suppose. There are just so many rules and regualtions the baker must be aware of, and adhere to. Anyway, at least this time, my determination and carefulness did actually pay off...yes, I did indeed succeed in making a beautiful golden pastry case which was just perfect for being filled with...well, some kind of filling. 

I baked it blind you see - another thing that I did before which went horribly wrong, baking blind. I have unpleasant memories of baked blind pastry cases which were cooked around the edges but still soggy and greasy on the bottom...any baker's worst nightmare, I am sure. I atually recall one particular pastry case being a weird grey coulour on the bottom after my attempt at baking it blind. :( But this was not the case this time - my pastry case was perfect. One of the mistakes I had definitely made before was not filling the pastry case to the very top with baking beans (or dried pasta, in my case as I unfortunately don't have any baking beans.); which are used to weigh it down and stop it from bubbling upwards when it is cooking. (me being frugal again, I'm afraid.) But THIS time I filled my case right up to the top with Tesco Value rice which noone was obviously going to eat anyway (with the exception of myself and the doggies, the whole household seems to have become very particular when it comes to rice these days...only basmati will do.). And so, with about half a kilogram of rice weighing it down, we had no such problems with bubbling upwards like the last time. Yay!

And now, for the filling. I had only recently made apple and blackberry crumble, and what with the little crop of rhubarb in the garden still looking pretty scraggly and uninspiring, I didn't think apple and blackberry pie or rhubarb pie/tart was going to be on the cards. And besides, my brother had made a request for a mudpie earlier on this summer..but not the traditional mudpie as we know it...one with a pastry base instead of the usual biscuit one, and lots of whipped cream on top. And so that's exactly what I did.

The only thing that slightly eroded my feelings of triumph were the mixed reactions I got from the guys...my brother of course was well happy, but my Dad maintains that, though my dessert was lovely, he prefers the traditional biscuit crust, and that chocolate and pastry are two entities which should be kept separate. Well anyway, I was content enough...Ganache-Elf had FINALLY, after many trials and tribulations, succeeded in making shortcurst pastry which was buttery, melt-in-the-mouth and delicious...double yay. :) 

Now I promise you that I will, as soon as I make it with the biscuit crust, share with you my recipe for mississippi mud pie (with both biscuit and pastry bases.)...seriously now, I know you might have your own one, or are convinced that Tesco Finest's version cannot be compared to...but honestly, this mississippi mud pie is not one you will want to miss out on, at all. It is my Granny's old recipe, and its high levels of sticky muddy chocolatiness make it extremely naughty, intensely indulgent, and, arguably, of the stuff any diehard chocaholic could only dream of. In the meantime, perhaps decide whether you are going to go for the biscuit or the pastry case, and start stocking up on chocolate. You're going to need a lot. ;)

My apron is purple-stained. :)

Apparently it's a bad year for fruit over here in Ireland. I am in two minds about this. For sure, it is a bad year for blackcurrants; as testified by my last hopeful visit to my neighbour's garden last week. Oh what a sorry, sorry sight greeted my eyes! Those lovely little bushes which, this time last year, had been absolutely laden with the little purpley fruits were scarggley and bare! Such a catastrophe! So yes, as I was saying, perhaps not such a good year for blackcurrants. But there's another black-coloured berry that is now literally taking over the hedgegrows along my lane. Yes, it's the ever-reliable, seemingly indestructible, but undeniably awesome blackberry. Has there ever been a summer in Ireland which can't categoricaly be classified as a "good" year for the blackberry? Well...not for the fifteen years I've been here, anyway. It may rain, it may hail, it might feel as if an Arctic air mass has shrouded the entire country and that buying that new pair of shades and a bikini was possibly the most impulsive and stupid decision you have ever ever made...but never mind all that; the blackberry seems to survive it all. Which is great news for cooks and jam-makers like me, of course, who, having become increasingly exasperated by the poor yield of other fruits, find much comfort, solace and yummy reassurance in the blackberry's wonderful ability to survive any kind of weather...

Now the thing is I do get rather carried away while I am picking blackberries and I end up with tubs and tubs of tubs of these gorgeous little fruits. And there's only so many apple and blackberry crumbles you can make before complaints arise about the lack of variety being offered for pudding all of a sudden...don't get me wrong, my family adore it, but variety is important in the kitchen of Ganache-Elf, and I don't approve too highly of the idea of there being nothing else being produced in the dessert line except this beloved classic. Blackberry and apple loaf cake, and apple and blackberry pie, have been made too on various occasions...but no matter how many blackberry infused cakes I make, I just always seem to be left with gram upon gram of juicy berriness which I know must be utilised for SOMETHING at all costs...

Well of course the obvious solution is to make jam...but I have had a few problems with blackberry jam in the past so I did hesitate before finally deciding to give it another try. Unlike my famous blackcurrant jam, the blackberry jam I have ever endeavoured to make has always either been too runny, too set, or just tasted...well, odd. But I made two pots of blackberry jam as an experiment the other day; and it does actually look quite promising. It's set anyway, and it's not rockhard either. I wasn't intending on opening it to see what it tasted like until I had finished off my opened jar of blackcurrant. But my curiousity as to whether it was actually edible, whether it actually tasted, well, palatable...it got the better of me. And.....(drum roll.....)....

Yes, I think it is actually berry good.  ;)

Ok no more silly jokes and more about what we did to make a successful pot of blackberry jam.

Well, I was being cautious so I went for small amounts here. I had about 450 g of fresh plumpuous blackberries, which I bunged in my big green saucepan with two tablespoons of water and a tablespoon of lemon juice. The lemon I used was going mouldy at one end, and since sugar not exactly an expensive ingredient, I felt secure in the knowledge that if my jam did turn out to be a jamn-bloody mess (sorry! sorry! couldn't resist ;) ), well at least it wasn't going to be costing my pocket too much.:)

I then brought my berries to the boil on a medium heat, stirring...well, not all of the time, but a good percentage of the time, anyway - just in case. I know jam isn't as notorious for sticking to the pan as caramel and such like, but stirring is recommended and it allows you of course to keep a good eye on it as it comes to the boil. Once boiling, I lowered the heat to low-medium and simmered for about 15 minutes, no more. The memory of my rock-hard blackberry jam that I made last year still haunts me to this very day....

Now for the sugar. In the past I always kept the ratio of sugar to blackberries equal, but on this occasion I added just a wee bit more sugar than 450 g. A little bit of extra sweetness wouldn't do any harm, I was sure. ;)

Before adding the sugar to the pan, I took the pan off the heat and then tipped it in - again, being cautious I suppose, as sugar does sometimes stick and burn, and I'm quite attached to this particular saucepan - it's another one of my Mam's; and quite a relic in itself. I quickly stirred it all in and then placed over the heat once more, brought back to the boil, and simmered for 10 minutes. And now for the moment of truth...was my jam set? 

Well, a little wrinkle appeared on my saucer, just as I had prayed for...so yes, I suppose you could say my day was jam-packed with success after all. ;) So perhaps tomorrow...I might treat myself to one of my scones out the freezer, spread thickly with plenty of my homemade blackberry jam. I might as well indulge myself after all. The hedges are yet still laden with bunch upon bunch of black glossy berries; so I suspect that this batch of blackberry jam might be the first of many. :)

Ups and downs...relapsing. But this time, I will not give in.

Having read alot about anorexia and eating disorders, ever since I came to realise that what I had was, in fact, exactly that, the term "relapsing" has made itself familiar to me. I'm not great at explaining things but basically, if I were to define a relapse for you, I would say I suppose it's when someone like me, who is in the recovery stage of their ED, undergoes a period when they lose the motivation to recover/gain weight, they let the ED take control of them one again; they may become at risk of reverting to their old ways.

It is very easy, to let yourself relapse. I should know, because when I was sick, when the ED really was very bad back in those days...I made a good few half-hearted attempts at becoming well again. But it never lasted very long...I always relapsed, fell back down again, and was stuck in the very same place as I was before.

What can be said for me now, though? For things are, genuinally, very different. For one thing, I know that I had an eating disorder - something I never frankly acknowledged to myself all those other times. And I really, really do want to do this - as in, be healthy again and gain some weight. That's why, after doing something wrong and feeling guilty about it, I end up feeling so frustrated and full of self-loathing. Why did you do it, if you WANT to put on weight...? You are just so, so stupid!!! But I admit that it does get rough sometimes and I feel as if I have lost the motivation for gaining weight. Is it a relapse of sorts? I don't know for certain. But...I am so, so determined not to let these relapses, if they can be called that, drag me back down to that dark, dark place, like all those other times in the past!

I suppose, what has made me feel a little concerned that I was relapsing was when I looked over my food diary over the past week or so, and realising that there were more days when I hadn't stuck entirely to my meal plan that the days that I actually had. They were all little things, of course...it wasn't as if I had skipped meals, or anything like that. But, as I've mentioned before, these little things are all very much ovious to me, even if noone else might takeany notice of them at all.

The other thing that made me think...no...am I relapsing?? - I feel as if there are odd moments during the day when I suddenly lose all motivation to gain weight. The voice inside me says...

• You don't need to gain weight; you are strong and healthy as you are.
• A skinny body suits you, being curvy and dumpy won't.
• Won't it be terrible to not be the "little girl" anymore? Imagine being "normal"! You will have to think alll the time: it's ESSENTIAL that I don't gain anymore weight or I will become fat!
• You need to stay a size 6...your clothes won't fit anymore! 
• if you love your thinness, you will have nothing left - you will just be ugly and fat.

And so I give in to the voice and consciously eat less, or make the wrong choice, or choose to not eat something even though I really, really want to. And later on when I am in a more reflective frame of mind, I look back upon my day and feel like crying...why did I listen to the voice? Why can't it be replaced with one who reminds me instead of all the pluses of gaining, which I just seem to automatically forget, until it's too late...? I KNOW there is more reasons to gain then to stay stuck in this semi-recovery stage!!

Well, anyway...it's a new month and a new season. My summer has been so, so wonderful. Like that near-perfect  day I talked about in a recent post...it would probably have been perfect. if it hadn't been for the few traces left of my ED which still get me down. But perhaps, this month, this season...I can learn to battle those few bits that are left and eradicate them completely. Starting today. Today...

• I am going to write down all the reasons to recover on sticky notes and stick them on the top of my bunkbed so whenever I go to sleep or am sitting there in the evenings like I sometimes do, I will see them.
• I'm going to write out my goals, my aims, what I want to achieve, all that there is to be gained by putting on weight, and put them on the sticky notes, too, as well as in my food diary.
• I'm going to writer out all the ED habits and ways which I am worried might still be affecting me, and focus on beating them...bit by little bit it might be, but I'm hoping, by the end of this month...I might be rid of them entirely.
• I'm going to have a big bowl of Shredded wheats for breakfast with my toast and pour lots of lovely warm milk on them.
• I'm going to have a toasted roll for lunch; with cheese, and I'm going to leave it under the grill so that the cheese melts and goes gooey.
• I'm going to have that white-choc coated oreo with hot choc.
• I'm going to not pick bits off from the food on my plate at dinner, and consciously eat slowly, or spread it around my plate or anything.
• I'm going to have those chocolate Celebrations that I found in my room the other day...yep, there were MALTESER ones, and galaxy, and twirl...all my favourites...on top of my banana pud. And I'm not going to feel guilty or bad about any of this!

Starting right NOW. It's breakfast time. Time to pop the toast in the toaster and put some milk in the microwave for those Shredded Wheats.;)

Cheeeseyyyyyyyy cheese and chive bread. ;)

This has to be one of my favourite breads, both to make and eat…the shaping of the dough is so fun, and you don’t even have to go to the trouble of cutting your bread up…the different segments can be just torn off your loaf very easily; and as you do so you are given full opportunity to savour the yummy cheesey gooiness encased within the loaf… ;)

Ingredients

• 450 g strong white bread flour
• 7 g sachet dried yeast; or 1 ½ tsp instant yeast
• 1 tsp sugar
• 1 ½ tsp salt
• 300 ml tepid water
• 60 g mature cheddar, grated
• Bunch of fresh chives, chopped
• A little milk to glaze

Method

• Sift the flour and salt into a large bowl and stir in the yeast and sugar.
• Make a well in the centre of the dry ingredients and pour in most of the warm water. With your hands, bring the mixture together until it forms a soft dough – soft, not dry or sticky. Add more water if it feels too dry or a little more flour if it is sticking to your hands too much.
• Sprinkle a little flour over a clean work surface. Transfer the dough from the bowl onot the work surface and knead for about 10 minutes until smooth to the touch and it becomes elastic and malleable.
• Oil a clean bowl. Shape the dough into a bowl and plae in the bowl, turning once so the top is coated in oil. Cover with greased cling film and place in a warm, draught-free place until it has doubled in size and feels springy if lightly pressed with a fingertip. Depending on how warm the day is and the temperature of your house, the length of time required for this rising varies – I usually give mine a good two hours at the least.
• Take off the cling film and give your dough a good punch with your fist to deflate the air. Turn it out onto a very lightly floured work surface. Grease a 900 g loaf tin well.
• Knead the dough for a minute or so and then divide into about fourteen equal-sized pieces. Roll them with a cupped hand on the work surface to form smooth balls. Flatten each ball with your hand or a rolling pin to form fourteen discs.
• Mix together the chives and the grated cheese. Sprinkle a little of the mixture onto each disc.
• Stack the discs on top of one another and then quickly transfer to the prepared loaf tin. Cover with greased cling film once more and leave to rise in a warm place again, until well-risen: about 1 hour to 2 hours. Preheat the oven to 210c/fan oven 190c.
• Very gently brush a little milk over the top of the risen loaf. Place in the oven and bake for about 25 – 30 minutes until golden, cooked and well-risen. Test to see if the loaf is cooked by tapping it on the base – it should sound hollow. Remove from the tin and place on a wire rack to cool slightly. If you like a nice soft crust, wrap in a clean tea towel after removing from the oven.
• Serve warm so that the cheese is still deliciously molten. It’s gorgeous as an accompaniment to pasta dishes such as lasagne…but equally delicious eaten on its own ;) When you serve the bread tear the different segments apart and stack in a bowl.

Here are the little cheesey discs, all ready to be stacked into a loaf...Hmm. this little disc could do with a bit more cheese i suppose... ;)

Now it's risen and ready to be baked...

I wonder how many pieces will be left by the time dinner's over. ;)

Cheese and bread...its most definitely one of those matches made in foodie heaven. <3 

most suitable for...? well...dunking, nibbling, munching. :)

Oh, biscuits…out of all of the edible delights of the baking world, I think, if I had to choose my ultimate favourite, it would probably be biscuits. I don’t think I would be able to then choose my favourite variety of biccie…that is a question which is just much too difficult for me to answer.

I just adore biscuits…whether they be chocolate or plain, big or small, fancy or simple. I’d happily munch on them anytime of the day, morning or night…but my favourite time for biscuit-munching has got to be in the afternoon, when my afternoon hot choc generally becomes a dunking basin for whatever biccies I happen to have currently on the go. Closely followed by something I’ve been doing quite a lot recently – that eing crumbling up a biscuit and adding it to my banana pudding a lot with my usual chocolate. The combination of both chocolate and crushed biscuit on top of my favourite ever pudding can only be described as delightful. ;)

OK. if I had to simplify things down and try and list some of my most-loved biccies. well I've already blahed on a good bit about my love for Oreos (and their various imitations.) And I find not many things can rival my irresistible triple chocolate chip cookies too easily...don't worry, i will share this recipe with you the very next time I make them. :) And then we have these little fellows featured in the pic above. Now I must say, whoever thought of putting oats into a biscuit, you are a genius and I give you my eternal thanks.:) I just love the scrumptious crunchy texture oats lends to a biccie...it makes them extremely good for dunking too as the biscuit holds so well despite being saturated in hot choc/coffee etc. One of my favorite ever shop-bought biscuits has to be the good old-fashioned HobNob. (Or again, for as is often the case with a stingey shopper like myself, the Tesco/Aldi equivalent - Oaties I believe they are called. ) And when it comes to home-baking, homemade oaty-sort biscuits are always a very welcome and yummy addition to the biccie tin. I don't think, to be honest, I would feel that My Cocoa-Stained Apron would be compltete without including the recipe for these, then: the comfortingly straightforward-to-make, gorgeously crunchy, and totally yummy oat cookie. In my version, I divide the biscuit dough into three little bowls before baking, as I like to have three types of oat cookie in one batch. One I leave plain, one I add sultanas to, and the other, a few (or maybe not so few...when it comes to chocolate and me the word few doesn't really seem to exist. ) chocolate chips.So whether you're feeling fruity, or in need of a little chocolate hit, or just fancy something simply oaty, you will be catered for either way. :) 

The yummy oat cookie. :) Makes about 22.

• 125 g butter, softened
• 120 g caster sugar
• 120g light brown soft sugar
• 1 large egg, beaten
• 1 tsp vanilla essence/extract (extract is better but more expensive of course. :(
• 100 g self-raising flour
• 1 tsp salt
• 50 g plain/milk chocolate, chopped into little pieces
• 40 g sultanas
• 250 g rolled oats 
• 2 tbsp water

Method

• Grease two big baking trays and line with baking paper. (If your trays are a bit on the small side it might be a good idea to use three as a pose to two, if you are very anxious for your cookies to be perfectly round and not to join up. :)  preheat the oven to 160c.
• Beat the butter until really soft with a wooden spoon or an electric mixer. Add the two sugars and continue to beat until light and fluffy. Scrape down the sides of the bowl every now and again with a metal spoon or a spatula.
• Beat the egg in a jug with the vanilla and the 2 tbsp water. Add about a quarter of the egg mixture to the creamed butter and sugar. Mix well before adding another quarter or so of the egg. Beat again until well mixed, and then continue until all the egg is used up.
• Place the oats in another bowl and sift in the flour ans the salt. 
• Add the dry ingredients to the butter, sugar and egg mixture and mix well until a very sticky dough forms. Keep about a third of this in your original mixing bowl, but place the other two thirds of it in separate bowls (perhaps use the ones you used for sifting the flour to save on washing up. :) 
• Add the chopped chocolate to one bowl, and the sultanas to the other, leaving the remaining one plain. 
• Use a dessert spoon to scoop up spoonfuls of the cookie dough, and use your hands to shape into little balls. Place the balls on the trays, spacing them well apart. 
• Bake the cookies for about 15-20 minutes, until the cookies are a lovely light golden brown colour. They should be still slightly soft though and not too dark; and they will be quite fragile at first. Check after 14 minutes to check that they are not going too brown. 
• Remove the trays from the oven and wait for a out 5 minutes to let the biscuits harden slightly. Then use a metal spatula to transfer the cookies to wire racks to cool. They keep really well for about a week in an airtight tin. But they are lovely warm too, and, of course, are just MADE for being dunked. ;)