I Can.

And so in my mind sprung a new sense of purpose; one which was as fresh and as bright as the first ebony-white snowdrop of the early spring.

And now that I've finally found it - after months of searching and sifting and digging deep inside myself - I now eagerly seek to nourish it, to let it grow. To let it spread its roots and anchor itself firmly in the ground; to let it sprout leaves and buds and drink in the sunlight's liquid gold. Ever growing and ever strengthening is what I am aiming towards now. Harsh winds may batter at the slender stems and tiny bell-like heads of this little plant that I have sown, but behind that seemingly fragile appearance lies a deep and hidden strength.

It must grow then despite the odds. Despite the harshness of its hostile exterior environment and the force of those bitter winds that seek to rip it clean from its foundation roots. Despite the cruel frosts that shackle it in white-tipped bindings; despite the cold and the wet and the rain that lashes down upon those nodding heads, soaking and saturating and weighing down each stem; forcing them to bend and bow.

Yet bow flat to the ground my flower will not do. For after every battering and every bending and every storm, the flower will straighten itself upwards again, letting the rain droplets roll off it, letting the frost's fingers melt and slip silently to the ground like the tears I have lost and now, forgotten.

I recognise now that there's been a number of different elements which have been hindering my growth for quite some time, now. And to let my snowdrop grow, I thought it past time that I recognise these elements for myself.

I find it hard to talk about the reasons why I have not "succeeded" at recovery when I should have, could have done; and that's partly why I felt the need to identify these reasons and look more closely at them. I'm trying to learn to be more gentle with myself and not to feel shame for being weaker than Ed in the past.


The Elements that have impeded my growth...

• For a very long time I always find an excuse to to "put off" a true commitment to recovery. It was always a case of I'll get through college first or I'll wait until I'm ready, or for when someone else tells me that I need to gain a bit more weight.                                                          Now, though, I have recognised that I can't afford to wait any longer. And it's no good waiting for that longed for statement that at one time I would not have beared being able to hear. I've made my own decision to gain weight. Because I know that this is the only way which I will enable my body to fully heal and recover, from all the damage, internal and external, caused by Ed.
• Wanting to please others, not wanting others to think I am being lazy/selfish/self-absorbed by seeking therapy. For a very long time this was a core belief of mine: that to do therapy was a selfish thing for me to do or alternatively, that others would think me selfish by doing so. And isn't it weird how, if someone I knew were to approach me and say they were considering seeking help, I wouldn't hesitate to urge them towards taking the necessary steps in doing so. But no. For myself, it's different. It's like I've made myself my own greatest enemy. The most important thing for so long for me has been pleasing others.
• Similarly, a great deal of it comes down to what other thinks/say about my body and appearance. So they say you look well, the Voice whispers. Well. Hmm. So if you look well now, what will they think or say if you gain any more weight? By God! You will look hideous. You will be hideous and all those people will be thinking to themselves how ugly you look. This for me has caused alot of difficulty in the past, and has reinforced my belief that I should try and maintain on the lowest possible healthy bmi.
• And alot of it came down to fear. Fear, as raw and as sharp as the most bitter of winter nights. Fear of being bloated and for my already distended stomach to "balloon up" even more than it already has. Fear of not doing exercise and having to listen to the screaming voice inside my head. But the other day I made a crucial recognition. So many of these fears are illogical.

So now I need to focus on my goals which will help me this sprouting seed to strengthen and grow.

I'm not going to settle for just leaves and shoots. Now, I want flowers. I want to grow to the very best that I can be. This time, I am determined to not allow myself to be trampled back down into the earth.

There is a feeling burning inside my heart that feels akin to that which I felt upon that day that seems so long ago, now, on that sun-soaked day in early May this year, when I left Trinity for the final time and hurried back through the streets of Dublin. The memory of that day will always stay with me, lingering at the corners of my mind like the fragrant scent of a room bedecked in flowers.

There was sunlight in my hair and on my cheeks, but not quite as bright as the beautiful flames that burned in my heartupon that particular day. I had felt, then, that I truly could conquer anything. I had got through the five years of Trinity and had sat my final exams. I had faced my biggest fears and had charged right at them, cutting through them like a prow through the grey waters of a rough sea.

So instead of saying I want to do this, I say, I can.

I can.

I can gain the final bit of weight I need.

I can beat the depression, the anxiety, the fear.

I can defy the Voice in my Head. I can recognise him what it is. A thieving, cheating, manipulative liar.

I can go to England and try out my new job. And if it doesn't work out, I can make the mature decision that it's not for me, and look for something else.

I can be the person that I want to be.

I can beat anorexia.               
     


Since my last post, I've been putting into place a few alterations to my meal plan. It's been far from easy, of course - needless to say, I feel as if my head at present is the site of a very violent shouting match between Ed and Me. But. I've actually been coping relatively well.

Everytime I approach eating food, every time I feel too afraid to eat more, every time I find myself the bloating is so bad I feel as if I want to push away my plate and refuse to eat for the remainder of the day. That's when I say - often aloud - that I can do this Ed . I remind myself of what I wrote on here, the advice of my readers. And most of all. What will happen if I choose to embrace Ed.

I can do this Ed. It has become one of my many new mottos. And there's nothing you can do or say which is going to stop me, this time.

1. Let's make the milk victory a bit more of a regular thing. So I'm going to have the 125ml as a minimum from now onwards and as much cereal as I want.
2. As a general rule: the meal plan is a minimum and I can eat extra or more of anything if I can. No, cross out "if": I can eat extra of anything BECAUSE I can!!
3. I've decided to up my protein a bit more too in a way which isn't too scary💪                        Since mornings are definitely still my munchies time, it made sense to add in something extra here. So for early morning snack, instead of my usual one egg with a round of bagel and seeds, I thought I'd up this a bit more, mainly..                                                                                         - having 2 scrambled eggs, 2 poached eggs or 2 boiled eggs, or even a yummy omelette (haha well they're all yummy - I LOVE eggs!! <3                                                                                    - or having 1 egg and 1/3 can of baked beans                                                                                -- or 1 egg and half a can of sardines/mackeral. And being generous with those seeds on the bagel, as they are both yummy and nutritious.                                                                                    Sunday morning was a rare proud moment for me, when I actually made myself scrambled eggs for the first time in what felt like an age. And I REALLY enjoyed them!! I love eggs in all forms, but up till now have never had the courage to eat this particular concoction of yellow fluffy loveliness, given that, of course, it consists of two eggs rather than one. But I've done it now and proved to myself that I can, and I know that I can do it again and again and again, from now on. 
4. No more meagre bowls or portions of anything!! Having BIGGER handfuls of nuts, BIGGER bowls of cereal, and not minmising on my protein portion at lunch - just little things like that which I think will make all the difference.
5. I'm going to focus in particular, on my protein intake at lunch and dinner as this is something that, for some reason, I have always fallen down on in the past.
6. And I'm going to throw into the mix another few easy ways of getting more energy for my body. A tablespoon of wheat germ on my cereal, extra nuts, be more generous with my salad dressing, lots of nut butter, etc.
7. And last but not least, to follow my new rules which are the reverse of ED's, and more on this in my next post, in which I am going to talk about just some of Ed's many, many rules and regulations which I am now going to break. 💪💗💖