Crossroads of Thorns

My head was revolving in slowly spinning circles. I could hear a voice on the end of the phone line, but the voice was distant, echoey, as if I was standing in a long, high tunnel.

Deep inside me floated an immense bubble, a bubble of what could only be described as elation, and excitement. It floated tentatively towards the surface, awaiting to be pricked or even burst with the force born out of exhilaration.

But burst it I did not. That bubble floated, lingered, and then quietly, ever so gently, fell back to the ground, to become no more.

This was the afternoon following the telephone interview that had resulted in me being offered the job in England. Now I think this gives me the opportunity to clarify up things a little here. The past few months I have been applying for jobs right left and centre. The main reason being my Oh-god-I-have-to-please-them mindset had gone into overdrive. I had tossed my old plans of local part time job and therapy aside, committing myself to a new course of action. I was driven. Applying for jobs gave me a buzz from knowing that by doing so I was proving a point to others. Because deep down I know I did not want to enter the working life straight away. But. I was applying because I wanted to prove to everyone I was trying.Then no one can say I'm being lazy and sponging off others. Then noone can say I'm wasting time and money by simply devoting to therapy for the year.

And yet even as I painstakingly filled out application forms, I don't think I really heard the voice of my unconscious mind.Im going to apply for all these but I know I wont get them. I just have to try. Try to get a job and prove to everyone that I'm trying. 

I wish - very much - that I hadn't chosen to do it, and had instead heeded the advice of my readers, urging me to follow my heart and focus on myself.

But no. I had to please others again, didn't I?

But let's get back to the story.

And so, yes, the afternoon after I was offered the Shropshire job for February. I received...another phone call. I had had a Skype interview for this one earlier last week. The job? Santa's Elf. All the way over in authentic Finnish Lapland.

Now, when I saw that job, I knew I had to apply for it. The thought of me, dressed in an elf suit, leaping around singing christmas songs and welcoming rosy-cheeked children to a winter holiday resort was one which I could only describe as magical.

And so I applied for it. And was offered an interview. Still hadn;t really hit me, then, that they were actually, properly considering me. In my head, noone could possibly ever want to hire Emmy Snelgrove. I mean, what was there about me, I had thought, that could possibly make me stand out amongst all the others? They're all talented, they all have skills, experience, qualities which I could only ever attain in my wildest of fantasies.

Why would they employ me?

Useless, dumb, pathetic Emmy Snelgrove.

This was what I whole-heartedly believed. And still do, but, for a different reason. I was offered the job.

And yet, as with the apprenticeship in February, now as looming and as ominous as an overhead raincloud...

I find that I'm so scared to do it.

Santa's Elf. Oh god how did I want that role. But where have the bubbles of excitement gone?? Now all that remains in the fear, and the doubt. Heavier and more crushing than a water logged blanket, pulled right down over my head, encasing me in the darkness. So dark and heavy I want to suffocate. I want to scream and shout and cry like a neglected child. I don't want to go! But I do - just not - not now!! Argh!!!

So many reasons...to go. But then, so many reasons not to.

The concern in mam's eyes when she saw how scared I was. Her gentle words, telling me that if I dont want to go, its ok. You can stay here and be with us for Christmas Emmy. But I dont know how to advise you, because you really wanted that job so much.

The wording of the contract itself, repeating over and over in my head in a monotonous, droning voice. It spoke of the challenges involved in working such a harsh and bitterly cold winter environment, and that employees must ensure that they are physically and mentally able for such challenges.

Well. Am I able?? My weight's ok. Depending on which way you look at it. My bmi's just shy of 18. People tell me I look well. No stranger could look at me and see a girl who has had anorexia for half her life.

But most of all, the one thing that is holding me back, is the fact that to go away for over a month over Christmas would mean that I have hardly any time left at home. Hardly any time left with my family, hardly any time left here in the place which I love. Hardly anytime to prepare myself for February, if I go. Hardly anytime left to focus on myself before I enter the working world.

But I mean...I've been trying and saying for as long as I can remember that I will dedicate myself heart and soul to my recovery. But still I seem to put it off. I need a therapist. I know I do. But I can't afford one.

Decisions.

Oh God I hate decisions.

I feel like I'm standing now at the most dark and hateful of crossroads. Thorns beneath my feet standing where I am now, digging into me. Im bleeding and want to escape the pain, but I dont know where to turn to, now. I don't know which way to go to escape the pain; or whether which way, will just bring me more thorns and pricks in my side.

I just don't know which way to turn.