At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 22 October 2017

Breaking the Law

The Gospel according to ED.

You shalt not have more than you normally do.
You shalt not say thank you for your food, or that you are hungry or that a food looks delicious.
You shalt not do any less exercise than xx amount.

etc. etc. etc.

signed, by Emmy, and also signed and authorised; by ED.

For as long as I can remember, I have lived by certain laws, certain rules. Certain codes of behaviour that I went out of my way to obey, at all times. And God forbid if I ever dared to disobey them. The repercussions of even contemplating doing so were always positively hideous.

Ed would do more than kick up a little fuss. Oh no, it was always alot worse than that. He would scream and shout and tear at me with cruel sharp talons. The channels of my brain would suddenly be overflowing with garbled, tormenting comments. You are fat. Eating that will make you fatter. Oh my God Em!! What are you doing??!! You are going to blow up! Don't you dare even consider it, girl!! 

It was sort of like the equivalent of being imprisoned in a high walled jail. Every failed attempt at escape would be met with torture, and threats of further barbarity if resistance did not cease. For a very long time I simply stopped trying to object. ED would nod, suitably satisfied, as his captive became weaker and more submissive with every passing year. She became too weak and too withdrawn to even think about escaping, again. The walls of the prison stretched higher and ever higher.

So that's why I suppose, upon that day three years ago, when I first made that first crucial, tentative step, onto the road up the mountain which we all know as recovery. That the anxiety, that horrible, screeching Voice, as loud and as piercing as a siren that can not be terminated, was enough to cause me to crumple to my knees with agony, if I had let it. But. There was something there that was just as strong as the anxiety. That being the pain of the guilt I had felt, when I had looked into Mam's eyes and told her I had been lying to her, for so long, about everything.

And that guilt and pain then were enough to drive me forward. Along with the love that I felt for my Mam, and the knowledge that if for nothing else, I could do this, for her.

Years later and I'm a different girl to the one I was those three years ago. A different girl, but in some ways, unchanged. And one of those ways in which I have remained the same is that I still abide by ED's many rules.

To fling wide the gates
and escape from Ed's prison,
once represented, for me, an impossible dream...

And as I walked tentatively forwards in recovery - choosing to gain weight, being admitted to hospital; allowing myself to tell those I loved that I had an eating disorder - I in time began to recognise and question ED's rules; and then - slowly but surely - I began to disobey them. It was not easy. By God, it was hard. But I knew that I had to do it. Whenever I found myself faltering and afraid, I closed my eyes and thought back to that day, the feel of Mam's warm hand on my shoulder. And I used that to drive me on. Because I knew that Mam would forever blame herself, if I died.

But now back to the half-recovered ED girl. Yes, she has broken many, many of ED's rules. She is no longer in medical danger. Some might think that she is recovered.

But she isn't.

Rather, this girl has a good long way to go, yet. And still many of ED's rules are still in place, and fully intact. She's escaped Ed's gaol but the oppressor is following her trial, coming after her. He steals in front of her and throws bricks directly across her footpath, blocks that collaborate to form obstructive grey walls and block the winding road up the steep sided mountain.

She knows that if she is to have any chance of ascending that mountain, she is going to have to break and destroy every single one of those walls.

But how?

Well I have some tools. These are my weapons of choice for chipping away at the cracks in ED's wall. I will use my own hammer and chisel to prise away the building blocks of ED's walls.

If I could leap straight over them, I would. But this time instead of wringing my hands and hanging my head in defeat, telling myself that I can't get over them...

Instead I approach them with my tools at the ready. Ready to start working on these walls. It's going to require time and patience and effort, and strength. And bravery. Yes, because the gaoler that initially constructed these walls is a fucking scary thing.


I've figured that I have all these things.

I've figured that I've got what it takes. I've figured that I am capable of breaking the Law, and making my escape from custody.

ED's custody.

And I've got something now that I did not have before. Something that has given me extra strength. I'm doing this for me, as well as for mam and all those I love. That crucial, crucial recognition; the actual acknowledgement of which  I have been unable to make for so, so long.

For now I have began to realise that the real Emmy wants to escape from custody, too.

She's now willing and ready to break ED's Law.

What it would be to be flying free,
like those bubbles..💙

ED's rules...

  • You can only have the amount set by me of any particular food. 
  • At breakfast: no more than 100 ml of milk, less than 30 g of cheese, etc. And minimise everything as much as possible.
  • Always take the smallest/thinnest part of everything. The thinnest slice of bread off the sliced pan. The smallest potatoes in the serving bowl. The smallest crumpet in the packet. etc. etc.
  • At dinner if I think you have too much on your plate then put some back in the serving dish when noone is looking.
  • You must always pick bits or crusts of bread, potatoes, etc.
The rules extend to how I act around food and how I speak about food too. For example.

  • You're not allowed to say that looks lovely I'm hungry thanks Mam that was really nice, I enjoyed that etc.
  • When you eat you always have to appear as if it's a chore. Show total lack of interest in what you're eating and push the food around the plate. 
  • You also have to eat as slowly as possible and cut food into tiny pieces.
  • You're forbidden to clean your plate, your bowl, your mug. You have to always leave something behind.
And to top it all off...some more general rules..

  • I have to do at least xx amount of exercise a day, and the more the better.
  • At all costs you must not gain anymore weight.

I could go on. And on. And on. Because Ed's rules are endless so long as I remain with him.

What Ed says...
I have to do the opposite.

It's time to break His Law.


  1. Oh you just reminded me of the many laws I’m still abiding to myself.. still ED Is reigning, still in control, still dominant.

    Though not always, right?

    Those days when you feel like you love yourself, it’s so easy to love food, to nourish your body, to accept that food is nothing but a means to live. But there are those other days, when loving oneself is impossible, when hate carves every inch of your heart. But that hate is only projected towards your own self, and no one else.

    That’s when we relapse. That’s when we choose to find a safe haven in the laws, becuase we know when it controls us, we like the consequences. We like the fatigue and hunger, the thinning process..

    But then we don’t like that we’ve got brittle hairs, missing periods and intenstinal havocs.

    The choice is hard to make sometimes but we’ve got to let go, as you said, and preserve and maintain the patience till it just starts to be okay.

    Because we weren’t meant to suffer forever, and most importantly, in the same way.

    1. thank you so much for sharing your insight with me <3 what you say is so so true..
      it is indeed a difficult choice, and one which might cause us so much pain at the time, but not as much pain as, inevitably, choosing to remain with ed will cause us, eventually...
      its time I think for both of us to project just a little of all the love and kindness that we possess inside towards ourselves as well as those we love. It'll taketime for us to learn how to do this but I really do believe we'll get there!!

      Take care and thank you ever so much! :) x

  2. Good for you!
    The tone and spirit in this made me smile.
    I am so glad you have grasped the crucial sense of doing it for you, as well as for those you love.
    Take care, and enjoy the new life that begins slowly to open through this, glimpsed through that first little chink that you've found in the wall ....

    1. aww thank you so so much <3 !!! It is crucial, I realise that now.. after years of thinking I could do it without really, really wanting it deep inside, I've finally realised just how important it is to want to recover for myself.

      Thank you so much for your support I really do appreciate it so much <3 !! X

  3. I really admire your new found strength and determination to beat ED once and for all. The fact that you now know you want to do it for yourself will empower you so much. I had a "light bulb" moment when I finally chose to recover. Although I had suffered comments from others that I should and indeed received encouragement to do so my heart just wasn't in it. I had to want this for me and until I did nothing would convince me to even try to recover.
    Good luck on this, latter part of your journey - the one in which you learn to love and accept your healthy body and change the mindset you have had for years. Keep believing in yourself and your ability to do this. You have everything to look forward to now xxxx

    1. <3 thank you so so much that really means ever so much <3 oh for sure, it does make all the difference..I think this is the first time really I have properly been able to say that, that I do possess some willingness to do this for myself; true, it's not there completely yet but in time I think it will be. <3
      thank you ever so much for your kind thoughts and words I really do appreciate them <3 take care <3 xxx

  4. Hi Emmy - I hope you are ok? Have`nt seen you posting on here for quite a while now and I couldn't help but wonder if everything was alright?
    I sincerely hope you are well and looking forward to Christmas :)
    take care xxxx

    1. Aww thank you so much for your comment and your concern I appreciate that so much <3 ! Don't worry I am ok - I know I've been absent here for a while (not by choice :( ) But I am planning to write a post real soon and have a little update of what's happened since I last wrote.. once again thank you so much for what you wrote, it really touched me and made my day. <3 xxx

  5. I`m just so glad you are ok. Sometimes life gets the better of us and our time is taken up with other things, but it was lovely to hear back from you! Hope you have a lovely Christmas xxx