The Wild Rose...

So with the soft winds came the beautiful New Spring.

A time of life and light and fertility. A time when the seed of the wild rose, having been held down by the cruel grip of winter for so, so long, is suddenly pricked into life by the warmth of the sun.

The wild is rising and the roses are wild. And so the wild seed rose, to become a flower...

A beautiful, wild rose.

And just like the wild rose, so I will embrace my new freedom, my new wildness. I will let myself grow, because I know that I can be strong. I will let myself rise up towards the light, having broken free from the the cold, icy grip of Ed.

I am no longer the helpless prisoner of Ed...

No, I will be free and wild. I will become like the wild rose.

So I made an importnat decision yesterday...I have decided that I am now ready to up the plan that bit more. Having discussed this with Mam yesterday, alongside the fact that I think I feel ready, and alot stronger, for it now, that is what I have decided to do.

Scared? You bet; I'm plain terrified if I was very honest. At the back of my head there is the Voice, screaming, screaming, screaming away like a soul in torment ; like a demon, the demon that it really is and always will be. No! You - Can - NOT!! You wil not! Greedy, lazy girl! The amount you are eating already...twice as much as normal people!! Ten times more! A hundred milions times more than what you used to eat when you were with me. You shall - not - do it...

But do it, I most certainly WILL.

Emmy is a lot stronger now, than she ever, ever was.

This evening, after a long, draining and difficult day at college, I came in, dumped my bag of dog-eared papers and dreary, odious volumes of Mary Wollstonecraft and The Faery Queene by the door of my room and went straight to my laptop with the intention of opening up Word Document. It's wasn't long before I was tapping away, a Mammy hot choc close to hand (as usual ;) ) and a determined, no-nonsense briskness to the movements of my fingers.

So I wrote up a number of potential meal plans, A, B and C. A is the one I've been following up till this point, B being the one I start off on tomorrow. And C is the next one I'll go onto if I feel I need to increase it again.

I've decided to do this for a number of reasons. Firstly, I guess it is because I feel ready to increase it now. I think my body has more or less adjusted to the meal plan at this stage; my appetite is most certainly back with a bang and I have felt alot more hungry and peckish in general.(Unfortunately, there are still a few of those bloaty, no appetite at all days - but thankfully these aren't too frequent and I've sort of learned to just take them in my stride anyway, telling myself that my body is probably still a bit confused and messed up and that, in time, this should all sort itself out!!) And yep, it's true, there have been a few days when I actually wanted to eat more than my meal plan specified. Now, being brutally honest, I wasn't quite brave enough to go and have that extra bit on these ocasions - ED won that one, unfortunately, with its loud convictions of how greedy and extravagant it would be of me, to have more than what's written on your meal plan..!! Like how could you even consider such a thing? 

What a load of tosh, Ed...

Yet another one of its countless lies. But I know better now, anyway, and I sure as hell won't make the same mistake again.

And also, another important reason I have for increasing my intake, is that I really want to keep up my walks with Benny..especially, now that spring has sprung here Ireland. and the countryside is blooming...brimming with the freshness and new growth and vitality, alive with the ssights and sounds and vibrancy of early spring.

And I know it would be so awful if I had to give up walking my beloved Benny, all because of ED, again. But I know that if I am to keep it up, I have to make sure I am eating enough: more than enough, to be precise. Therefore, I think it is all well and good that I am increasing my intake. The more energy I have, the better.

And well, anyway, one thing I definitely do know is for sure, is that...well,the more food I eat, the better really; and if I feel as if I am able and ready to eat more, there is absolutely no reason why I should not. After all, the more food I consume the more energy my body will have at its disposal to put into repairing and restoring all the damage caused through restriction.

So anyway, here are my current Meal Plans!! Plan A is what I've been on the past few weeks. Plan B is the one I am going onto next, starting from tomorrow; Plan C, will be my next step, if it comes to that - I'm going to see how the next couple of weeks go :) <3 xxx

Meal Plan A

Breakfast :7.30

·         Wholemeal or multigrain toast + 1 tsp peanut butter

·         Good bowl of cereal – 2 weetabix/cup maltwheats/shreddies etc, with 100 ml milk minimum.

Morning Snack 1: 10.00 - 12.00

·         1 snack from Snack List 1

·         Hot choc number 1 of the day (heehee more to follow!! ;) ) made with full fat milk and lots of heavenly tesco drinking chocolate powder.

Lunch 13.30 – 14.30

·         brown submarine roll/1 toasted white submarine roll/1 soft crusty roll/1 mini baguette/wholemeal bread/wholemeal toast/wholemeal bap/soda bread/baked potato, buttered, with

·         Protein filling: Ham/Turkey/Chicken/Tuna + mayp/Pink salmon/Cheddar/Soft boiled egg/Hardboiled egg + mayo/poached egg/Mozzarella/Baked beans/some kind of soup with

·         Salad: tomato/beetroot/spinach/cucumber/sweetcorn etc.with

·         A portion of fruit – apple/banana/portion strawberries/nectarine/handful cherry tomatoes/etc.

Afternoon Snack 16.30-18.00

·         Hot choc <3

·         1 snack from snack list 1

Dinner 19.45-20.30

Varies every day!! ;)

Dessert 21.00

The BEST DESSERT ON EARTH which is of course: a big chopped banana, loadssss of warm custard, followed by lots and lots of chopped chocolate (about a bar’s worth..often more though :p) scattered on top. Oh, and of late a wee chocolate biscuit has sneaked in there, too. Not that I’m complaining or anything. ;)

MILKA OREO... all melted into this divine, gooey, chooclatey bliss...ooooh I'm in heaven!! ;) 

Nighttime snack 22.00-23.00

Hot choc/Horlicks/Ovaltine. (But usually hot choc!!! ;) )

Meal Plan B

Breakfast :7.30

·         Wholemeal or multigrain toast + 2 tsp peanut butter

·         Good bowl of cereal – 2 weetabix/cup maltwheats/shreddies/ready-brek etc, with around 100-125 ml milk.

Morning Snack 1: 10.00

·         1 snack from Snack List 1

·         Hot choc made with full fat milk

Morning Snack 2 12.00

1 snack from snack list 1

Lunch 13.30 – 14.30

·         brown submarine roll/1 toasted white submarine roll/1 soft crusty roll/1 mini baguette/wholemeal bread/wholemeal toast/wholemeal bap/soda bread/baked potato, buttered, with

·         Protein filling: Ham/Turkey/Chicken/Tuna + mayo/Pink salmon/Cheddar/Soft boiled egg/Hardboiled egg + mayo/poached egg/Mozzarella/Baked beans/some kind of soup with

·         Salad: tomato/beetroot/spinach/cucumber/sweetcorn etc.with

·         A portion of fruit – apple/banana/portion strawberries/nectarine/handful cherry tomatoes/etc.

Afternoon Snack 16.30-18.00

·         Hot choc <3

·         1 snack from snack list 1

Dinner 19.45-20.30

Varies every day!! ;)

Dessert 21.00

As above!!

Nighttime snack 22.00-23.00

Hot choc/Horlicks/Ovaltine. (But usually hot choc!!! ;) )

Meal Plan C

Early Morning Snack 7.00

1 snack from snack list 1

Breakfast :8.15

·         2 slices of multigrain, spelt or wholemeal etc toast + 1 tbsp peanutbutter /1 multigrain bagel +1 tbsp peanut butter

·         Good bowl of cereal – 2 weetabix/cup maltwheats/shreddies/readybrek etc, with 100-125 ml milk minimum.

Morning Snack 1: 10.00

·         1 snack from Snack List 1

·         Hot choc made with fullfat milk

Morning Snack 2 12.00

1 snack from snack list 1

Lunch 13.30 – 14.30

·         brown submarine roll/1 toasted white submarine roll/1 soft crusty roll/1 mini baguette/wholemeal bread/wholemeal toast/wholemeal bap/soda bread/baked potato, buttered, with

·         Protein filling: Ham/Turkey/Chicken/Tuna+ mayo/Pink salmon/Cheddar/Soft boiled egg/Hardboiled egg+ mayo/poached egg/Mozzarella/Baked beans/some kind of soup with

·         Salad: tomato/beetroot/spinach/cucumber/sweetcorn etc.with

·         A portion of fruit – apple/banana/portion strawberries/nectarine/handful cherry tomatoes/etc.

Afternoon Snack 16.30-18.00

·         Hot choc <3

·         1 snack from snack list 1

Dinner 19.45-20.30

Varies every day!! ;)

Dessert 21.00

As above!!

Nighttime snack 22.00-23.00

Hot choc/Horlicks/Ovaltine. (But usually hot choc!!! ;) )

ohhh and here is my snack list if anyone is interested, haha. ;) Now I would consider these as medium snacks...again I'm going to see how it goes but if necessary I might have to bbring in Snack List 2 which consists of bigger ones. I make these pretty genrous, though. Ganache Elf does love her snackies!! ;)

• ½ bagel + spread +1 tbsp pb
• Cheesy scone + spread
• Blackberry/white/wholemeal/fruit/oat scone + spread 
• Hot cross bun + spread
• Crumpet + spread and 1tbsp pb
• Teacake + spread
• Cereal/muesli/granola bar
• Big handful (about 40g) salted/unsalted cashews and peanuts
• 1 slice of multigrain/wholemeal/spelt toast + spread and 1 tbsp pb
• Rye/soda/oat bread + 1 tbsp pb
• Cereal + milk
• Granola + milk or on its own

Oh and one more thing - if anyone has further snack inspiration/ideas PLEASE link them/sendthem on to me i would be so SO grateful!! ;) .

And I do have ideas for a Meal Plan D, haha, but I dont honestly know if I will need that (but I know I can't just assume, who knows. I was on alot of Fortisip in hospital, which I hated, and I don't plan on going back on those again as they tasted so artificial and yucky to me!! But anyway, that aside - the point Im making is is that sometimes the body needs ALOT of calories to get to where it needs to be. So we shall just have to wait and see how it goes!!! :) xxx

You are the wild rose...

Stretch out towards the light. Allow yourself to be free.