We have the Power to Break Free... xxx

It's over two weeks now, since that crucial Sunday in late February. the Sunday which changed everything, for me. the Sunday which saw the tables turn on my eating disorder once again; the day upon which, having struggled and floundered in the dark, icy sea for so, so long, I finally achieved what I initially thought would never truly be possible; and which enabled me to firmly and decisively takes the reins of my recovery back into my own hands.

As I outlined in my post from last week, sticking to the meal plan no longer represents any major difficulty for me, now. As I mentioned before..a few months before, it was a completely and utterly different scenario altogether. And I remember it; I remember exactly the way I felt. How I would lie, on opening my eyes each morning, as the faint light of the pale new dawn would steal through my window to illuminate my room with a faint rosy glow,  and ruminate about how much I so desperately yearned to make that vital change; to eat what I knew that my body needed, to follow my meal plan; to smash the chains forged by ED and to break away from its cruel and deathly cold embrace. To reach out to my loved ones, to allow them to reach me; to let them into this cold, harsh, desolate world in which I had become so hopelessly lost.

Every smile that I would fake; was like a shard of ice breaking through my skin, slicing to the bone and causing bright red droplets of blood to ooze to the surface. Every lie that would escape my lips; was like the pain that encases your fingers and your hands on being exposed to the chillness of freezing winter air; a chillness that freezes the blood in your veins and creeps into the marrow of every bone. I'm fine, Mam. I am okay. I feel grand. I ate my lunch. I had toast and cereal before I left the house this morning. Yes, I made myself dinner. No, I don't want anything to eat. Of course I haven't lost weight. 

Lie after lie after lie. The chill had seeped from my veins into my heart. My whole body became numb with the cold, so numb, that I could no longer feel anything. It had become a way of life for me. hopelessly I allowed myself to succumb to its icy embrace, so that the cold water filled my lungs. I knew I was going to drown, but I would not, could not, find the stength to reach out.

But despite that initial pain and fear and anxiety; despite that crippling, all-consuming, overpowering sense of self-loathing, and the belief, as hard and as solid as concrete, that I truly cannot, and will not, ever be able to do it...

Did it, I did. 

and no.  There was no magic medicine or miracle pill that I had to take, in order to make me finally take that terrifying huge leap forward. No. What it took was an incredible amount of willpower, courage, and determination. And the love and support of my Mam. Thats what finally gave me the strength to pull myself out of that icy black sea; that's exactly what it took to give me the power to break through those chains. And since that day I have not looked back; not once. Following my meal plan is more or less habitual to me now. There is no longer any inner debate, on any particular day, over whether I will have my morning snack or not; whether I feel "hungry" enough to prepare and eat breakfast; whether I have "earned" a proper lunch or a scone with my hot chocolate. It's just something that I know, I absolutely have to do.

And now, I know that I have passed through the most difficult early stage of refeeding - the "bloaty", constantly full, nauseousfeeling type stage. If you are currently going through that stage right now, please, please please please - and I know I am repeating myself here. Please DO hang on in there!! I swear, it DOES get easier but you just have to stick with it. I understand all too well how hard the first stage really is. It's not just hard; its god damn fucking awful and it really, really sucks. But. You just HAVE to take a long, deep breath and say to yourself, when you feel as if you can't keep going and just want to give in right there, saying, "surely, restriction was better than this...I felt so much better when I was hungry.." NO. Snap that thought right out of your head.  You have to keep going, keep on eating as much as you can, following your meal plan and fighting, fighting the Voice in your head. And as I say..persevere, and your efforts will be rewarded. And that comes from a girl who stuggled enormously with this phase of recovery. If it wasnt for mam being there to comfort me, and perhaps for my own sense of determination. I don;t think I would have made it through. But i did AND SO CAN YOU. I can truly say it is so worth it. It's actually quite a nice feeling to get your hinger cues back  - again, a little daunting at first, but we need to welcome and embrace this sign of the bodily systems getting back to normal after having been suppressed and deprived of vital energy for so, so long.

And so on that note..its time for me to reflect on this. I'll talk abit more about this topic tomorrow, but I wanted to mention it here, and having written that wee motivation testimony above, I thought it might be good to include here in order to prove to you that ultimately, eating DOES get easier and your body does adapt to it, even begin to feel hungry, as in my case,. So much so, that I now feel ready and prepared to take the next massive step.

The decision: is it time to up my meal plan a bit more ?

I suppose this coming Sunday might be the ultimate determinant in finalising this decision. Thus far my weight has been going ok, I have gained; but I know from experience that there often comes a time when the body requires that extra bit of energy to reach its setpoint; meaning, of course, that the intake of food that it needs has to be increased once again.

Anyway..if anyone could give me any thoughts or advice on this, please do let me know, I would appreciate it so so much <3

I thought that perhaps I might write a few advice posts giving my thoughts and tips of how to cope with just some of the things I have struggled with, and overcome, so far in my recovery. Now I am not in any way saying I am an expert on any of this and please do not assume that I am - that would be a mistake! But that said, I feel as if I do have something of value to offer to others who are going through a similar struggle or experience, and I really want to reach out now and help those in any way I possibly can. <3 xxx

Now I'm a very sleepy and groggy Emmy - so it's on with the fluffy dressing gown and off to the Land of Nod with me..good night everyone, my thoughts and prayers are with you all <3 xxx