so this is where it all began...

By nature, I am most definitely one of life's hoarders. It drives my poor Mammy up the wall as in this respect we are complete and utter opposites. mam's motto? If it's of no further use/purpose etc anymore...than dump it! But her daughter, on the other hand, is very, very different. The very thought of giving away that tattered old teddy bear with the tail hanging on by a couple of threads...or those ancient scraps of paperwork with the appearance of old manuscripts which, at one time, served the purpose of acting as the vital clues in the highlight of my Easter holidays as a child...(that being, of course, the ritual Easter Egg hunt.. ;) ) ..? No, you wouldn't find me tossing them thoughtlessly into the recycle bin or stuffing them into boxes to be stacked away in the loft, never to be seen again. And thus, consequently...an interesting accumulation of junk has gradually built itself up in the various nooks and crannies of my room, all of which has acquired an impressive covering of dust due to being left, undisturbed and untouched, for possibly years upon end.

Well, one wet afternoon this weekend, the dust particles experienced a temporary disruption in their development...for at long last Ganache-Elf endeavoured to have a sort-out...of sorts. :p I felt a curious sense of excitement as I began my excavation of my large and extremely untidy wardrobe; an excitement brought on mainly because of the aura of mystery and obscurity which surrounded this particular item of furniture...who knew what I might find?? ;) Perhaps that much-loved picture book Mam used to read to me when I was small...the aptly named Happy Endings with all those adorable pics of the rosy-cheeked hedgehogs and bushy-tailed squirrels? Or maybe that old painting-by-numbers set which I had received as a birthday present donkeys years ago, but had then seemingly vanished without a trace?

But no...I didn't find any of the above mentioned in my rummagings and siftings that rainy afternoon.(though give me time, as I can assure you the tidy-up operation of my room is FAR from over...indeed, will it ever end?! :o ) . But I did find something that made me feel extremely sentimental and nostalgic...as well as very, very sad too. It was my diary from 2006, the year that I started secondary school.
 And written in that familiar, spidery, untidy handwriting which still hasn't really changed that much in eight years, was an entry entitled My deepest thoughts and feelings.
 I'm not going to abridge this or change it or anything...this is exactly what I wrote.

Dear Diary.
There are many things that are worrying me. Well I worry everday but there are some that just don't go away.
 For starters I am worried about putting on weight and losing my supposed "slimmness". I keep on worrying about visiting the restroom (toliet). Soon the Summer Exams will be here. What the flip am I going to wear for drama.*
Oh, it sounds ridiculous, doesn't it. You'd think I'm a flippin 5 year old, not a bloomin teenager! But I can't help it.
I am constantly, constantly worried about the weight thing. When I was young, I ate and ate and ate without worrying. But now...it's always guideline daily amounts, fat, sugar, salt, blah blah blah...
 Oh, I am such a ninnie, But I don't think I can change my ways.

So reading this now...I suppose this is really, where it all began for me. This diary entry brought back alot of memories. Of those early stages of my eating disorder.

Opening the cupboard when I thought no one was looking and taking out the packet of Galaxy bars which Mam had always, always bought for me as they had always been my all-time favourite and my usual after-school snack. I would scrutinise the tiny writing on the side of the packet to see what the fat content was, and what percentage of the GDA one bar contained.
Taking out my sandwiches at school...taking out the ham or the filling, rolling it up in the clingfilm and throwing it away.
Scraping butter off my toast in the mornings and off sandwiches and bread. Getting off the bus with my sister and looking at all the other girls walking towards the Brigidine Convent and thinking...they are so, so slim. And I'm not. Lying awake at night worrying about my weight and what I had eaten that particular day. Would tomorrow be bad? Would I have to eat a lot? What if...what would happen if I gained anymore weight? What would I do?

It makes me so sad, to think about how, in our society and culture, there are so man,y many women and girls who prioritise being slim and that "perfect size" as a pose to being happy, healthy, and comfortable in their own skin...

No of course, I am not saying it is okay to be obese. That's not what I mean. I just feel, that in media and in schools and so on, there's alot of attention drawn towards the problem of obesity. And that's fair enough, because yes obesity is dangerous and we should do everything we can to help those who are struggling.
But what of the other eating disorders...anorexia, restrictive EDs, bullimia. Do we read about these as much in the news? Do they feature as commonly as obesity on health-focused TV programmes?

And of course, there is the one simple fact that they are alot less obvious...alot less explicit. It's easy to hide away an eating disorder...hide it away behind a smile, a brave face, an excuse and a bunch of lies. And then noone knows that you are slowly destroying yourself from the inside, until it is much, much too late...

I remember going into school as that 12 year old who wrote the above diary extract. Home ec, science, SPHE...in all of these subjects, diet and healthy eating were dealt with to some extent. There seemed, again, alot of emphasis placed on the dangers of obesity. But of eating too little and developing an eating disorder? No, not really. At all. I don't know if things have changed now; that was almost 8 years ago after all. I sincerely hope they are.

What we need, of course, is some sort of halfway line between the two. So that children and young people can understand that yes, it IS important to eat healthily, to have an active lifestyle, to not eat McDonalds every day, and so on. While at the same time, making them recognise that there is NO such thing as a perfect body shape. And that skinniness is not something to be admired or aimed for.

*Just to explain this. I used to go to speech and drama when I was in first year. I didn't enjoy it, and I think this is where I also started to get really self-conscious about my appearance in a destructive and negative way. :( The "flip" I seem to be always using here I think was my 12-year-old's version of the f word as you've probably already guessed.

Ice cream....cake!???

How can you bake ice cream in a cake!? is the question I am always asked when I blah on about how wonderful this concoction of mine is to any of my friends. Heehee...well. The name IS a little deceptive I freely admit. As the only thing at all cakeish about this cake is the fact it is, well, a cake shape. Unfortunately my friends, even Ganache-Elf hasn't worked out how to bake icecream in a acake just yet. But before you turn away from my blog in disgust, just have a look at this recipe. And yes, please, do give it a go. You won't regret it - I PROMISE you. Yes, I know it's not as cool as actually being able to boast that you actually DID bake ice cream into a cake. But I can assure you now the taste of this will make you forget all that. This is going to be one of the most amazing and heavenly desserts you will ever, ever taste...




Now the sauce IS optional, of course. But is there really, if you think about it, anything more heavenly then pouring a warm, golden sauce over ice cream and seeing all start to seductively melt and merge together...? Need I say anymore... ;)

Ingredients.... (but remember the golden rule...you can add MORE to this ;) :) But these are the ESSENTIAL ingredients in my view so try to remember to add these to your shopping basket. ;)

• 1 litre tub of your favourite ice cream flavour. (I usually use either vanilla, honeycomb, raspberry ripple, or Neapolitan...but it's pretty much up to you...everyone has their own favourite ;)
• 150 g or more (no less ;) ) bourbon cream biscuits. (it's about half a pack? :o )
• 150 g milk chocolate, chopped into chunks/chips. 
• 2 regular-sized Crunchie bars.

Hmmmmmm...and now what else can potentially be added??

• Well, usually I like to throw in some Maltesers (about half a big pouch, you know the ones you are supposed to "share"? (yeah, right. ) or maybe some Minstrels/Rolos/Munchies/Chocolate Buttons/Cadbury Nibbles etc etc etc. Or a mix...it all depends on what you have in your cupboard/secret stash ;)
• And also I sometimes vary the type of chocolate I put in for the chips...sometimes I like to have white chocolate and milk chocolate chips...so half a big bar of Milky bar gets thrown in there too with the milk choc ;)
• And smashed up flakes/ripples/twirls occasionally find themselves twirled about in the mix as well. ;) 
• Also, I sometimes like to add more biccies too...along with the bourbons, I'v added half a pack of chocolate digestives in the past...and once, yes, double stuff oreos. Now that really IS pure indulgence. But boy does it taste good. ;)

You will also need a 20 cm cake tin - it's best to use a springclip one for this, or one with a removable bottom, for ease of releasing your ice cream cake from its "mould". ;)  

And for the butterscotch sauce? Well all you need for that is...

• 160 ml single cream
• 160 g light brown soft sugar
• 50 g butter, diced
• 2 tsp vanilla extract/essence

And now...let's make some magic happen. ;) No excuses now: I don't have the time, I'm no good at baking etc - nope, none of those are applicable in this context I'm afraid my friends. For yes you DO have the time (this takes so, so quick to make...to be honest it's the actual waiting for it to harden up in the freezer which is the the most time-consuming step (and the most painfully excruciating, of course... ;) ) And even if you say you aren't good at baking (which I am pretty certain is not true...I'm of the opinion that no one can be "bad" at baking...it's just all a matter of practice as is the case with so many other things too ;) )...well believe me, there is absolutely nothing difficult at all in the process outlined below. All that's involved, essentially, is a bit of smashing, chopping, mixing...and, err, waiting. Poo! (But that stage can be skipped of course. You then just wouldn't have, well, that tidy cake shape. But if you are like me and are of the opinion that melted, runny ice cream is one of God's gifts to mankind? Well...you get the idea. 

Anyway, let us proceed on to the recipe..and instant fame and reverence for you, the icecreamcakemaker, amongst all those incredibly fortunate individuals that you are going to share this gorgeous creation with. If that's what you intend on doing, of course... (another advantage of ice cream cake making...there's no fear that it's going to go mouldy or stale or whatever, hence removing the pressure to use it up as soon as possible, and distribute it amongst friends, family etc. So yes, you could make it just for yourself, though be prepared to put up with extremely guilty feelings for keeping such a divine dessert secret from your nearest and dearest... ;) 

Method :)

• Line your cake tin well with cling film.
• Take the ice cream out of the freezer to soften slightly (but don't let it melt completely!!) while you set about preparing the other ingredients.
• Crush the biscuits in freezer bags with a rolling pin or a big wooden spoon. 
• Crush the Crunchie bars: you can either do this in freezer bags with the biscuits or simply crush them still in their wrappers ( just be very careful when you open them...wouldn't it be a terrible thing to lose any of that lovely rubble. :o )
• tip the softening ice cream into a big mixing bowl. (don't just throw away that tub though: they are ever so handy, I find, in storing cakes/biccies/nibbles etc. ;) 
• Tip in all the other ingredients for the cake: the chocolate, the crushed biccies, the Crunchies, Maltesers etc. Then mix it all together with a big spoon. 
• Tip the mixture into the tin and smooth the top. (Note to those who do not want to wait/who have a heart like Ganache-Elf's which literally...well, melts when it comes to melted ice cream. : you don't need to proceed any further at this point...you can go and get your spoon/eating utensil. But for those of you who do want an actual ice cream CAKE, please read on.
• Put the tin into the freezer to harden slightly. In my freezer, an hour usually would suffice. It all depends on the coldness of your freezer and how hard/perfectly-shaped you would like the finished outcome to be ;)
• When you think the cake is nearly ready/you think you have waited well long enough, you can now, if you feel so inclined, make the butterscotch sauce. (and again, I would just like to stress that all those excuses as I mentioned above won't work here either...this is sooo quick and easy to make too so please don't be shy. ;)
• Measure all the ingredients for the sauce into a small saucepan and place on a very low heat until the butter has melted. Turn the heat up to low-medium, stirring occasionally, until a few bubbles appear on the surface. 
• Simmer very gently for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Be very careful it doesn't spit as you as toffee leaves quite a nasty burn. :(
• Take off the heat and leave it for about 5 mins to cool slightly. And now...now you are almost ready...
• Take the icecreamcake out of the freezer and tip it gently out onto a large plate. carefully take off the clingfilm. And there, ta-da....you've done it. Be proud. ;)
• You might need to leave it to soften for about 5 minutes if the ice cream has become very hard as cutting rock-hard ice cream is rather tricky as I am sure you know. Anyway, once it's soft enough, cut into triangles with a big knife and serve with generous spoonfuls of beautiful butterscotch drizzled/slathered/poured on top. Ahhhhh...bliss. ;)

Note on amounts: It's hard to say exactly how much this will serve...as often I find people do tend do go back for seconds...so do take that into account ;) but roughly, I would say aim for about 6...(if you are planning on sharing that is. ;) xxxx

I'm going to give this my best shot. :)

I know my last post was a little depressing, and I am sorry for that :( but...it is ok. I am over that now. I could have just have given in. That would have been the easy option. I could have let that sense of despair consume me, just like the eating disorder did...I could have just have submitted myself to misery and hopelessness.
But I think if I had done that...well I wouldnt feel justified in sittinge here right now (hot choc and oreos to hand, of course ;) ) writing my Cocoa-Stained Apron. Because my blog is NOT a blog which tells the story of a girl who let her eating disorder triumph. No...that is exactly the opposite to what I want My Cocoa-Stained Apron to stand for. :)
On the contrary, I want My Cocoa-Stained Apron to represent, alongside a love of chocolate and baking (haha the actual marks on my real apron hanging in the kitchen drawer is the real evidence for that ;) ...that despite all the odds, the hardship and the tears, the slips and the falls and those horrible feelings of despair and this is useless...this is hopeless...I can't go on... yes, despite all that, we can, and will, win against this piece of shit. We just need to fight for it every single hour of every single day...
 An ED might have taken away alot from you...it might have made robbed you of your physical strength, your confidence, your happiness. For me, I have lost alot. My confidence, my self-esteem, my ability to walk properly. Lots of chances of meeting new people and making new friends. My studious mindset and being able to achieve academically.
 Yes, I have lost alot....but I know that if I fight bak now I can reclaim back my life.
 Never forget...you are strong and beautiful and brave. What you are doing is quite possibly the hardest and most courageous thing you might ever, ever do in your whole entire life...


 This is me...small, skinny Emily! Yes, I know, anyone would think I am still in school...I've become so used to people looking flabbergasted when I tell them my actual age (ie. at college, on the train, when meeting friends of friends...) that the whole reassertion thing when they express incredulity has become very boring indeed.
 Isn'tr it time I end that? Being the skinny one? The one who always has to rummage and rummage through the coat hangers in Penneys because I can't find the size 6 as that's the only one that's small enough for me. Being the one who still can't sit in a restaurant with family or friends and enjoy herself because she is worrying about how big the portion is going to be. The one who makes people wince when they give her a hug because my back is still too bony.

 The past few days have been rough. Blow after blow after horrible blow...I feel as if I've been hit in the face repeatedly from all sides. First the doctor visit and the news about my bmi. My injured foot and leg and not being able to walk. Being monitored and forbidden to exercise. College work and the return of those old feelings of uselessness and worthlessness which, at one time, were everyday familiarity to me...

But I've sprung up again after every blow, just like that gorgeous sponge cake springs back beneath your fingertip when you test it for doneness. Then you smile and know that it's ready...just like I am smiling now and saying that I am ready...to completely and entirely drive out my ED forever from my life. :)

Help me. :'(

Yesterday, I did break down. Yesterday, I did cry. It just all became...too much. It started off badly. When I got out of bed in the morning and crept down the stairs, a steady ache throbbed in my left leg, where the femur meets the pelvis. I had first noticed it Sunday and had gone to sleep that night praying that it was just a little twinge and that it would be gone by the morrow. It hadn't, of course.
 So there was that. And then...there was the college work. Which, once again, I could not do.
 I sat there in my favourite little study spot...the comfy settee in our conservatory where I could prop up my sore foot and my bad leg...I sat there with my laptop and papers and I could not, literally, do anything.
 Benny comes running up to me, snuffling me and wagging his stumpy little tail. He wants to go for a walk. And of course, I can't take him. I bury my head in his soft fur and let the tears fall from my eyes onto his black velvety head.
 20 years old...20 years old and I literally can't do anything. Anything...I can't study, I can't write these shitty essays, I can't walk, cycle, move properly without shuffling or dragging my feet...And only two days before I have to go back to the doctors...
 It was one of those horrible, black moments when life really did seem pointless. There didn't seem any point in anything...especially not eating. I had absolutely no appetite and there was no pleasure whatsoever in the food I placed in my mouth.
 In fact I became angry and hateful at one point...of everything, including food...you are what has made me unhappy! I hate food! But this quickly passed and I ended up just full of loathing and disgust for just one sole thing: myself.

I just had one horrible and awful thought yesterday...something which I never, since I started to work on recovery, have ever encountered or allowed to enter my head before. This might shock you...it shocked and appalled me and writing this now I can't really believe how I allowed myself to consider it...
That things were better, when I was ill..when I was starving, and so thin that I could feel all of my ribs and see my hipbone sticking out of my body. Things are much worse now. I've never felt so miserable before...

No, no, no..NO. I know I was wrong. Things may seem hard for me at the moment...so incredibly, awfully hard. But I know that I must go on.

Don't I have a right to live a happy, healthy life, too? Where my mind and anxieties all revolve around food, weight gain, exercise? Where I can fully realise my full potential. Where I can discover there is much, much more to me than these crushing, overwhelming feelings of worthlessness...I can't do this...I am unable to do that...I am useless...I am stupid...my existence is an unnecessary one...

Of course there is. I just need to reach out and touch it...I need to push myself that one bit more.

I suppose...I just thought that recovery would never be this difficult. Everything is changing... and it seems as if I am just letting my life slip away through my hands like autumn leaves being swept off by a rushing stream.

Perhaps I have completely ruined my chances of succeeding at college. But if I can't achieve in that...well, I can prove to myself that I AM strong in other ways, can't I? I can fight - and win - against one of the most awful and destructive human diseases that are out there...my eating disorder?

So many pictures...so many memories. And I can tell you now, in each and every one of these photos, that girl who is smiling and grinning away as if she doesn't have a care in the world...well, behind each one of those smiles there is something hidden and concealed...something dark and destructive. each picture sparks off a particular memory for me...a painful and poignant memory.
In the pic with the ducks, I had cycled to Emo Court one gorgeous summer's day last year to meet one of my closest and oldest friends from primary school. We fed the ducks and climbed trees and hay bales. We rolled down grassy hillocks, laughing till our sides ached, and then we ate a picnic by the lake like proper little schoolgirls out on a field trip.
 But then...then I cycled home with a heavy heart, with a desperate, overpowering anxiety crushing down upon me from all sides. The idyllic, carefree state of happiness and tranquility I had felt that day evaporated with each push of my bike's pedals. Why? Because...because I was convinced I had overeaten. My friend had made us some lovely little sandwiches but in my head having those two pieces of bread with the chicken and mayonnaise was way, way too much. And we had opened a packet of Cadbury's chocolate fingers. which I love. But I hadn't counted how many I had had...I had been so caught up in conversing and laughing with my friend I had forgotten to keep track of each and every one of those chocolate coated biscuits that had entered my mouth. The thought that I might have eaten MORE than the GDA recommended on the box... (what is it, a meagre 4 fingers?! )...was enough to drive me into a state of pure and uncontrollable panic.
 And in the pic below that one...this is me and my sis in Mallorca last year. On this particular evening we were heading down to Port de Pollenca for a family meal in one of the quaint little restaurants by the sea. Me and Liz had put on two of our most pretty dresses and had posed together for a pic. As I stood next to Liz and felt her arms around me I thought about how much she meant to me. I hugged her back and told her that I was the luckiest girl in the world to have a sister like her.
 And then off we go down to the restaurant...and I felt the familiar dread and anxiety creep back all over me. I can't remember what I ordered but all I do know is that when the food did come, I paniced. I made a half-hearted attempt to eat it, picking at it with my fork and pushing it around my plate. I only managed less than half of it. My mam was upset and through my behaviour the evening, once again, was ruined.

Why can't I just look upon these photos and recall memories which consist of nothing but pure and genuine happiness...untouched and uncorrupted by a mindset which has been twisted and manipulated by an eating disorder?

Chocolate-studded cookies.:)

I know these might look suspiciously similar to my Crazily Chocolatey double choc chip cookies (if you haven't baked them yet then please please pleaseeee consider doing so...check them out HERE if you feel so inclined ;) ), but no, I can assure you that these are a totally different cookie altogther. For starters, the cookie dough itself is entirely different. It is much sweeter as yes, there is a very cheeky amount of gorgeous light brown soft sugar in this recipe. (I adore this type of sugar...it just lends such a delicate caramelly flavour to the completed product. Almost always before I mix it with the other ingredients when I bake with it, I sift through the sugar grains with my fingers, primarily to break up any hard little clumps you occasionally get in it when it's been densely packed...and also to give myself some sort of excuse to inhale that fabulous sugary aroma. :) They aren't quite as dark as the other cookies, either, as there is less melted chocolate in the cookie dough. But rest assured, all ye chocaholics (yes I am including myself in this category, rest assured...) for this is undoubtedly very much made up for in the very, very, very generous amount of chocolate chips - some of which are reserved for studding in the tops of the cookies before baking. So what we end up with is a scrumptiously sweet, chewy, chocolatey cookie with lots of delightful chunks of heavenly milk and dark chocolate within, and on top of, each one.
 Like my Crazily Chocolatey Cookies, these biccies will have a slightly crack, rugged appearance, which all adds to their charm. And as always, feel free to increase the amount of chocolate chips if you so desire. ;)

Ingredients

• 255 g light brown soft sugar
• 125 g butter, softened
• 1 large egg, beaten
• 1/2 tsp vanilla essence/extract
• 225 g plain flour
• 30 g cocoa powder
• 75 g plain chocolate, broken into pieces
• 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 100 g milk chocolate, chopped into large chips
• 75 g plain chocolate, chopped into large chips

Makes about 20 big cookies.:)

Method:)

• Preheat oven to 190c/fan 170. Grease two large baking trays and line them with baking paper.
• Cream the butter in a large bowl with a wooden spoon or electric mixer until very soft. Add the sugar and mix together well until light and fluffy.
• Bring a small saucepan of water to the boil on the hob. Place the 75 g plain chocolate in a heatproof bowl/dish and balance it over the simmering water. Allow to melt, stirring occasionally. Once melted remove from the heat and allow it to cool for a few minutes.
• Mix the vanilla with the egg in a jug and gradually beat into the creamed mixture.
• Sift in the flour, cocoa, bicarbonate and salt. Mix together with a large metal spoon. Mix in the melted dark chocolate.
• Set aside about one third of the chocolate chips for studding the tops of the cookies. Add the remainder to the cookie dough and mix together.
• Using a dessertspoon, scoop balls of cookie dough onto the prepared trays. Press the reserved chocolate chips gently into the tops of the cookies, but don't push them in too far - just enough so that you can still see them peeking out. ;) Space the balls of cookie dough well apart from one another so that they don't join up when they bake. These cookies are quite substantial so give them plenty of room to grow to their maximum potential. ;) 
• Bake the cookies in the preheated oven for 10-12 minutes: they should have increased in size and should have a slightly cracked appearance. They will be fragile to the touch at first: but this is normal so don't fret. Leave them on the trays for about 4 or 5 minutes.
• Use a metal spatula (or, as we in the Snelgrove house call it...the "fish slice" :o [no I don't know why exactly...as it is not used to slice fish under any circumstances...I don't believe in mixing crockery for savoury and sweet recipes ;) ]) to carefully transfer each cookie to a wire rack. And then of course, we have the usual dilemma: of whether to let them cool completely before consumption, so one can appreciate their delightful chewiness; and to not have to worry too much about the terrible risk of the cookie disintegrating; having been unceremoniously dunked into some form of hot liquid... or the other option of eating them when they are warm and gorgeously soft...with the chocolate chips having not yet hardened...yes, they are still gooey and molten and oozing, like miniscule exploded bombs of divine chocolate stickiness. Solution? I suggest you have both one now and later, so that the qualities of both cookie states can be adequately comprehended. After all your hard work with your wooden spoon and chopping board (all that chocolate chopping does take time, I know, I appreciate that all too well ;) ), it's too tiring and stressful a decision to have to be faced with for sure. ;) 

Rockley Road Muffins :)

These have to be one of my signature bakes...and they are very special to me, as they remind me of the earliest stages of my baking adventure ;) I remember so well the first day I made these... my brother's eyes nearly popping out of his head as I lifted them proudly from the oven, resplendant in their gorgeous, gooey glory. He requested extra chocolatey muffins and boy, did he get them...honestly, take my word for it, these guys are HUGE. And yes, of course they are very chocolatey...this is what makes them so speical, after all...that and the marshmallows which give them a pretty molten top and a deliciously squidgy texture.

They are named after where my Granny lives in Leicester… I needed a name for them and since they are sort of like Rocky Road Muffins, I stuck with that one. And I can always rely on my granny to never turn down an offer of homemade cakes, so I thought I would dedicate this recipe to her. <3 They are AWESOME muffins but they are very big so be warned. ;)
 Makes 12 BIG muffins. 

Ingredients

·         225g plain flour

·         55g cocoa powder

·         1 tablespoon baking powder

·         1/8 teaspoon salt

·         50 g white chocolate, roughly chopped

·         75 g milk chocolate, roughly chopped

·         150g caster sugar

• 60 g marshmallows, cut into thirds
• 2 large eggs
• 250ml full-fat milk
• 90g butter, melted

Method

·         Preheat oven to 200 C / fan oven 180/Gas 6. Grease a 12 hole muffin tin (you may want to grease the top too!).

·         Sift the flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt into a large bowl. Stir in the chocolate, sugar and marshmallows.

·         Beat the eggs lightly in another large bowl. Beat in the milk and melted butter.

·         Make a well in the dry ingredients and pour in the liquid ingredients. Use a spoon to mix gently until just combined and there are no pockets of dry flour visible. Don't overmix or beat! Spoon the mixture in to the holes of the muffin tin.

·         Bake for 15-20 minutes. The muffins should be well risen and firm to the touch.

·         When you take the muffins out of the oven leave them to cool in the tin for 5 minutes, then remove them from the tin by gently running a small knife around the holes and lifting them onto a wire rack.

·         They are so yummy eaten warm with the chocolate all oozing and gooey…but they will keep in a tin for a few days too and they can be frozen and warmed in a microwave before serving. For an extra indulgent chocolate treat…warm them in the microwave with a few chocolate buttons or other small chocolates pushed into the tops. Very naughty but undeniable nice. ;)

Happy Halloween Cupcakes.:)

I know, I know...I only posted some cupcakes a few days ago; why on earth am I making even MORE cupcakes I hear you cry? Well...it is Halloween. So something Halloweeny had to be made, of course. And so yet even more frightfully cute cupcakes were whipped up today, with a spooky little Halloween touch to them.

Errrrr.... ok, before we proceed any further. You do know what these little shapes are meant to be, don't you? The reason I ask being, that my Daddy didn't. My Mam did though, thankfully, so I haven't lost hope in my piping skills completely. Well yes, maybe Daddy is right in saying the next time, I should make the pumpkins orange, and make the spiders more fearsome looking...he claims they resembled less like scary Halloween spiders and more like jolly, twinkley-eyed little octopuses. 

Ingredients...

• 125 g butter/margarine, softened
• 150 g caster sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 175 g self-raising flour
• 5 tbsp full-fat milk + 3 tsp extra
• 1 1/2 tbsp cocoa powder
• few drops of red food colouring

For the ganache and icings:

• 100 ml single cream
• 100 g plain chocolate
• 75 g icing sugar
• 30 g butter, softened
• few drops vanilla essence/extract
• a little cream/milk as required

Method:)

• Preheat the oven to 180c/fan 160. Line a muffin pan with 12 muffin cases.
• Beat the butter or margarine in a bowl until really soft, then add the sugar, the eggs and the vanilla. Beat well for about 2 minutes, scraping down the sides of the bowl after a minute so that it is all nicely incorporated.
• Sieve in the flour and pour in the 5 tbsp of milk. Gently fold in with a big metal spoon.
• Transfer half of the cake batter into another big bowl and sieve in the cocoa. Add the 3 tsp of extra milk and mix gently together. The batter should be of a nice, soft, dropping consistency: add a little extra milk if it's a little thick.
• To the other half, add a few drops of food colouring. (I used red but of course...it's up to you. :) ) 
• Drop alternative spoonfuls of the two batters into the muffin cases, filling each three-quarters full. Once you've done this, swirl a thin skewer in each one to get the lovely marbled effect. 
• Bake the cupcakes for about 17-20 minutes, until well-risen and springy to the touch - if you press the top of one gently with a fingertip, it should spring back. If an indention is left bake for a few more minutes and then test again.
• Leave in the muffin pan for about two or three minutes, and then move to a wire rack to cool.
• Make the dark choc ganache by melting the 100g plain chocolate with 100 ml single cream, on a very low heat in a small saucepan. Stir until smooth and then refrigerate for about 1 ½ - 2 hours, checking after 1 ½ hours…you don’t want it very hard, just a nice spreadable consistency.
• When the cupcakes are completely cold, spread them with a generous layer of ganache.
• Make the vanilla buttercream by beating the 30g butter/margarine until very soft, then sieve in the icing sugar. Beat together to get a nice soft creamy icing, adding a little cream/milk if necessary. 
• Spoon into an icing bag fitted with a plain nozzle and then pipe shapes on top of the dark chocolate ganache. Pumpkins, ghosts, spiders, and a witch's hat (which looked anything but that in my case, but anyway...) were what I came up with...though of course there are many more possibilities. Just don't make them too ghoulish or you might put people off eating them. Oh, well, I suppose you are right...whether cuteness or scariness is involved or not, noone is ever really going to refuse a cupcake. ;)