At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 11 September 2017

Soul Searching

So I looked at the numbers. And yes. I am, strictly speaking, underweight by a couple of kilo, going by the whole science of bmis, if you can call it that. And when I stepped upon those scales and saw what it was I experienced a range of different emotions. Surprise at first because ED had built it up so much in my mind that I had definitely gained alot since I last checked it. And then - no point in trying to deny it - relief. Relief that I hadn't gained, because since going to Spain and coming back, there has been no further progress in that regard, really - in fact in Spain I was eating less than I do when I am here at home - and the thought of having put on weight while actually eating to gain was enough to freeze my very heart with fear.

So, there was that. And I thought - stupidly thought - that seeing those numbers which I both longed to see and yet dreaded, would be enough to set myself straight with my recovery path again. Or rather, in keeping with my previous post, not set me straight but set me climbing upwards, with a fresh sense of purpose blossoming in my mind. But at the moment I feel as if I am stuck fast in the mud, as opposed to wading resolutely through it. So many different thoughts crowd thick in my head, suffocating and stifling, clogging up my brain like sludge caught in a pipe. What are you doing? Why don't you gain weight? Why are you still eating? What the f*** are you going to do next, you useless, hopeless girl..

The only thing that I can say for myself is that I am still eating. The same amount, day in day out, sometimes that tiny bit less when my resolve weakens and I want to throw in the towel. But every day I feel like falling backwards and giving up, I remind myself of what's at stake here. My bones and my body. My fertility and future life.

At least it seems I have conquered just one of my old demons. That being my former turning to restriction on the days when I feel depressed or upset, or that everything is pointless. The past few weeks, I have had a few of those. Arguments over ED with mam and dad, or over my lack of enthusiasm, so it appears, about what I want to do with my life, with my future. And then I experienced something which I can only describe as the tearing of what was, for me, a slender, beautiful hope. It was needle-thin all along, anyway - as fragile and as delicate as a paper-thin sliver of the finest crystal - but to experience it, to catch that tiniest glint of something so exquisitely, indescribably beautiful, only then to have it ruthlessly torn away from me as the sea rips away the tiny shells from the rocks, was enough to tear my own heart, right in two. That beautiful hope now lies broken upon the floor, shattered spectacularly into a million tiny shards, shards which cut me and make me bleed even as I try desperately to pick them up.

Why are they cruel? I wanted to weep in anguish. Why did X say that stuff if he didn't really mean it? Why can't Dad understand why I am like this, having lived with my habits and compulsions for over eleven years?

All I want to do right now is curl up in my little bed and sleep. Go to sleep singing that Avicci song that I love, of which a certain line of lyrics hold so much meaning for me. Wake me up when it's all over. Because right now I don't want to be awake in this fear-filled, never-ending mess.

But despite these crippling feelings I know I will go on. I will. When mam and dad had gone to sleep last night I went into the shower and turned on the water full blast. Stepped in and let the damp warmth seep all over me. Stepped in and felt the tears trickle down, as steady and as sure as the water dripping down.

And then I sang another song to myself, and by the time I step out of the bathroom and slip towards the stairs leading to sleep and oblivion, my body and my eyes are dry.

I'm all alone,
But finally,
I'm getting stronger...
I didn't know what I had to do,
I just knew I was alone.
People around me, they didn't care.
So I searched into my soul.

It might take me some soul searching before I figure out what to do and where to go from here. But I know I will. I will fight this thing or die trying. A life spent fighting for my recovery is surely better than laying down my arms now and surrendering to the demon's crushing jaws.


  1. Dear Emmy,
    You are not alone, and there are readers who care....
    But, I do think like the person commented in the last post that this would be a really good moment to find a therapist....
    There *is* life and recovery and freedom on the other side of this, but there is work to do, and there are people who can help, you don't have to go through it so alone! (I admire your fighting spirit, and your honesty with yourself, and your strength.)
    Therapists (when the relationship works well) are more than just company, though that is one of the most important things they are. But they are also reassurance and guidance when needed, not that you surrender yourself to them, but that they help you to recognise how and where to direct your steps, as you most deeply want and need to.
    What is keeping you from it? You have written many times of thinking of finding one?
    Love and respect, as always.

    1. thank you so, so much for your truly meaningful really did mean so very much <3
      That is a very, very good question, and one which I might answer in more detail in my next are right, I do want to do therapy, with all my heart. I know now that I cannot make full recovery on my own. But though I want so much to seek professional help, at the same time I find myself shying away from doing so - for numerous reasons, the main ones being the views of my family, and the money situation.. anyway, more on this in my next post.
      Thank you so so much, you are so very kind, this meant alot to me. <3 xxx

  2. Sorry to read that you're struggling Em, you are most definetly not alone and every person who reads your posts care. Myself included..
    You have done amazing to get to the point at which you are at, the bravery and courage you have shown to fight against ED for so long and to have made it this far is inspiring (especially to me to me as someone who is only in the very early stages of what I'm hoping will be my own recovery).
    I definetly agree with what the above reader has said about now being a good time to have therapy and I do understand your concerns about your family and money situation (I'm in a similar situation) but I think if you spoke to your parents about your feeling and why you think you might benefit from therapy then they would/hopefully understand and come around.. but if not, perhaps it's just something you need to do without their approval? I know that's hard but it wouldn't be fair for you to risk jeopardising everything you've achieved and the chance of going further because of someone else's opinion. I know it can be so hard but sometimes you need to do what's best for you and try not to worry about what other people are thinking.

    I really hope your feeling better about everything soon and manage to find some resolution in your current struggles.
    I know we don't speak or even know each other personally but I have read your blog for a while and often think of you. Please don't give up on your recovery x x

    1. <3 Again, thank you so very, very much...I was so so touched by what you wrote, and to know that you and others are thinking of me and cheering me on, that really has made an incredible difference to how I feel. So thank you so very much for your kind, thoughtful message. <3 <3 <3

      And you are so right, I should try and talk to mam and dad about it.. I dont blame them for not understanding, for after all, in their eyes I look "healthy" and they think I don't need any sort of therapy, but after all they could not possibly know the intensity of the struggle going on inside my head.

      And what you said is so true...and I think a large part of recovery is learning to do what is best for YOU and not putting so much value on other people's opinions.
      thank you so very much for all you wrote. I am so so grateful to you <3 xxx

    2. That's good to hear 😊 ❤️

      I think eating disorders (possibly even all mental illness) are just something that only the suffer/s understand, for me in my previous attempts to recover I've found that the closer i become to a healthy weight the more I struggle and part of that being because others see me as 'healthy' again because I look like I am but I'm really still fighting this huge internal battle and my thoughts seem to become even stronger than they've been even at my lowest weight. I imagine most people in recovery can relate to that.

      I definetly agree with you!
      That's okay, I really hope you get the courage to sit down with your parents and chat about the way you're feeling and that they try their best to understand and support you in getting therapy. Take care of yourself and keep on fighting ❤️ x x x

    3. <3 oh yes, I completely understand what you say..that's EXACTLY how I feel right now. It's so very tough, we need to remember though we need not suffer alone this inner torment..I'm a firm believer in reaching out and for me that is why my blog has been such an enormous help to me in my recovery; writing out my thoughts and reading the supportive comments of readers like you really does help me so much!
      I really hope you will continue to keep going to and that you have someone to talk to about what you are going through - and in ALL stages too, not just when you are underweight.
      thank you so so much for your kind words <3 I really appreciate them. Take care too and stay strong. <3 xxx

  3. Don`t give up emmy - keep fighting. You have come so far on your own but maybe now is that time to seek help. Can you talk to your mum? Maybe some extra support from her is all you need to stay motivated through this struggle? Tell her you are wavering and need support, then she will see for herself that you want to recover, that you are not giving up. Recovery is so hard and can be even more difficult if you are doing it alone, there is no shame in needing support when you are going through something as tough as this.
    Try and stay strong and keep fighting. Take each day one by one and don`t feel bad about reaching out.
    Take care, thinking of you and willing you on through this bad patch. xx

    1. <3 thank you ever so much!! Your comment meant an awful lot and gave me a well needed positivity boost so thank you so much for that <3
      I think you are so right..this is, after all, the point at which I feel like I've been stuck at for as long as I can remember, and though I want so much to keep on going , it's just so very, very hard and scary to do so. I do need to reach out and I will keep your advice firmly in my mind <3 thank you ever so much!! Honestly, every one of these comments means more than the world to me. <3 xxx