At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 1 July 2016

The long and lonely mountain...

9 am, Thursday morning. My eyes skim over the two paragraphs of Morokia that I have just written; an excerpt which describes the feelings of my heroine Rachel as she watches her brother depart from Yuarentan Castle for one of his many sea voyages. At first, the feeling that tingles across my consciousness is one of real, pure pleasure. It is Morokia, my story, and bit by little bit it is getting written.

But then gradually, this feeling subsides, to be replaced by something quite different. My smile fades as I reread the paragraph again, my enthusiasm draining away like water leaking from a cracked glass. It reminds me of something; something, which is hurting. Twisting deep inside me like a dagger within my heart, embedding itself deeper and deeper.

For this paragraph reminds me...reminds me, of how alone, I really feel. And that transitory feeling of pleasure - stemming for my passion for Morokia, the story of that world and its characters which I myself created - also serves to remind me of how detached and separated I am from the real, human world. I am not a princess in a fairy tale. I am not in the same place as Rachel and Narcissus and Begonia, with their beautiful dresses and spirits of fire. They are brave and beautiful and noble; fighting for their freedom; their homes; for those that they love. I am not, and never will be, part of that world. A massive part of me wishes that I am, because this world, the world of the 21st century, feels like one in which I will never truly belong. And it is such a lonely, painful world. So painful it feels like I am lying on a bed of thorns. So lonely and so isolating, I might as well be standing upon the most desolate and barren mountain, a million miles away from any kind of human civilisation.

The hardest thing for me though is...I know, I have brought this on myself. Years and years of being sick with anorexia meant that I detached and distanced myself from my peers, particularly in my years at Trinity,when my eating disorder was as its worst. The old friends who I love are now moving on, moving away from me. And there is nothing I can do as I watch them spread their wings and fly; because I love them , love them with all my heart, and I want them to achieve their dreams, and be free. I cannot want them to think of me now; for why should they? They have their own lives, their own friends; jobs, boyfriends, a social life. They are free and they are happy. My heart feels like it could burst with happiness for them; while at the same time it feels like it could bbreak. For the pain of losing them; of watching them slowly and gradually begin to slip away from me.

If only I could reclaim everything which i have lost; ever since Ed entered my life, and began its never-ending game of all take and no give. Lost, and will never be able to retrieve. For I know, I will never be able to relive those years at trinity..years in which I should have spent socializing and trying out new things; meeting new people, making new friends, and, essentially, finding myself. Because that's how I feel, even though, having achieved so, so much with my recovery, I still feel defined by my eating disorder, because it laid its mark upon my life in ways which I feel will never truly be eradicated. Will I always be the lonely one? The one who is always on her own, cut off from all the others by those vast, fathomless gulfs of isolation? The shy, quiet girl, who can barely speak out of nervousness or anxiety when in the company of strangers; who feels so shy and awkward around boys, that she would purposely look away so they could not look at her in the eye? who spends so much of her time scanning her phone or her Facebook messages, hoping against hope that someone, anyone, has messaged her? Who spends so much of her time alone, burning the little candle of solitude?

I can only hope that things will change, for me. Change, in a way that means my life will change too, and that the sun will break through this suffocating fog of isolation; in which i seem so helplessly, futilely lost. But it seems like I have been waiting for this change for an eternity; waiting, and hoping, for such a long, long time. My road of recovery winds on and on, up and along that steep-sloped, towering mountain. A mountain which I know I must, and will, continue to climb. but upon which, no matter how high I ascend, I have never felt quite so alone.


  1. I know the exactly how you feel about being alone. I still struggle with this even with a household of people around me. It comes from within. My favourite scripture is joel 2:25 "So I will restore to you that the years that the swarming locusts have eaten". This word gets me through. Even if I feel everyone has gone and moved on , I know that God is there and hasn't forgotten about me. This ED made me grow up far beyond my years in many ways and because people don't know what goes on in our heads they just can't understand and relate. Maybe your friends are waiting for you to reach out. I had to do this many years ago and it was sooo hard. But guess what, I met my husband and we are still so in love after 27 years. Sending love and want you to know you are not alone in any way xxx

    1. your words touched me to my very soul Sonya. Thank you ever, ever so much for sharing this with me. It was just what I needed to see tonight, thank you hun so much <3 All my love to you dear Sonya <3 xxxxx

  2. Oh Emily, not even read your whole post but just have to write my words- you really really really "hit" my heard, it is EXactly the same with your friends who fly away and live their lifes... my boyfriend has finished our relationship because of this- because he wants family now, kids ( he is 35), he says he wabts to go on... and with me, he does not see any perspective (at the moment). I can`t descripe how hurt I feel, at the same time I feel so selfish because I want him to stay-- but I love him and if he will be happier without me... I HAVE TO LET HIM GO...!
    Oh, Emily, I want to write you so much more, and still have not managed to answer your mail....

    All my love, until very soon ( and sorry for so much personal on your blog, but I had to write it right now),

    1. <3

      Thank you for your comment hun <3 it reminds me that i am not alone in how i feel. It is one of the hardest things we ever have to do, letting go :'( its enough to break my heart every time :'( I hope you are ok hun, I hate to think you are suffering as am I..pleas elet me know if there is anything I can do for you <3 There is no hurry with the email dear! take your time. All my love, I am here beside you all the way dear <3 xxxxx

  3. OOOOOOH EMMY my hunbun <3 my hot choc girliiie <3 you never walk alone;) Always keep this in mind and remember this okay? ;) You are one of the most adorable, gorgeous, warmheartedly, amaaaazing people i have ever met!!!!! You really touched my heart with this post ;) Oh hun just have a look of how much you already reached back in this time!!! You can be so proud of yourself ;) and feeling alone by times is so normal, but if you feel it, maybe the best thing (I know how hard this can be:() is stepping out;) stepping out of your comfort zone and go out ;) the world and some wonderful people are waiting out there ;) and they ALL will be honored to get to know such a stunning girl like you are ;)
    LOVE U sooooo so much my dear <3 my hot choc girl i am so proud of you ;) <3 <3 xxx all my love ;) ANGE

    1. <3 !!!
      Awww Ange huni thank you so so sooo much hun, your comment brought tears to my eyes <3 you are so lovely hun you really are <3 your words really spoke to my very core hun and made me feel so much better, they gave me alot of strength hun :* I cannot even begin to express how much it means to me hun <3 thank you with all my heart Ange hun <3 I love you so so much too Nutella girly, don't you ever forget it <3 LOVE YOU HUN :* xxxxxxxxxxxx