At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 7 July 2016

From the Web of Deceit, flew that

Looking back on the past 10 years of my life, I recognise fully the extent to which I was entrapped within a stealthily spun web.

A web made of lies and manipulation and deceit. A web in which I had got myself so hopelessly enmeshed; a web from which there appeared to be no escape.

And within that web, a cruel little voice spoke to me. A voice which I still hear even now; a voice as soft and as cruelly ensnaring as the pale silk of a spider.

You see the thing is, Em. When you reach this healthy weight that Mam has set as your target..well, you are going to have to drastically reduce your intake again. Otherwise, you are just going to be huge.

No more toast and no more banana and custards. No more dipping into the peanut butter jar with a spoon. No more snacks and no more treats and eating six times a day. You might even need to start thinking about dieting...

Lies, lies, and yet, more lies.

Now I suppose it is a measure of how stronger I have become over the past few months; that I recognise these lies for what they are. Pure. Bull. shit. Since when did ED tell me anything that wasn't untrue? And even now, when I am near enough weight restored. Of course, this doesn't mean he is prepared to swallow his ceaseless fabrications.

He is nothing but a cruel, sly, and utterly merciless manipulator....

And for too long, have I believed, and obeyed, his lies.

So here is my plan. To keep sticking to my meal plan every day until I reach my target weight. And then, what will happen next? Will I immediately restrict my intake, just as Ed tells me to do?

But I was deceived before and I will notbe deceived again. For this girl has become wiser, and stronger. I am no longer the vulnerable, innocent little fly, which has been drawn, weak and defenseless, into the spider's web. No. Now I am a butterfly, a butterfly which is ready to spread its wings and fly. My wings are no longer clipped: this time, I will fly free.

And so when I reach my target weight...I aim to eat more or less the same as what I have been eating for the past few months.

Of course, I plan to make things alot less rigid - it's true to say I have been quite strict with adhering to my eating plan over the past few weeks and months -  but in terms of snacks and meals, I am going to keep things roughly the same. Because I like eating well, and regularly. And anyway, I know deep down, that just because this target weight is healthy, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is the weight at which is most healthy for my body. So I am going to be steadfast, and fight on. I'm hoping that in time I will know what is right and healthy for me. I think one of the best indicators I will have is my periods, which, at present, are still conspicuously absent.

Because I want to be free and to be healthy; to be strong. I want to be able to chase Benny across emerald green fields of soft summer grasses; leap wildly across the streams and brooks of the hills with their fringes of ox-eye daisies and lustrous clusters of marigolds. I want to be able to stand at the top of the great mountains and gaze upon the view stretching out in front of me. I want to be able to dance and travel and to learn and speak and feel. I want to be able to go out there, to see the world in all its sublimity, to feel its pulsating, ceaseless beat. To experience, to live, to love. To die knowing that I lived a life that I loved, and that behind me I left a legacy, a legacy that proved to others like me that there is always, always hope. xxxxx


  1. You are getting your life back Emily. So proud of your achievements! ED has never given us any truth and the more we ignore these thoughts the stronger we become. I've tried to find the triggering points that bring on this thoughts and when I'm at my lowest I can see its an attack and see it for what it is. I know this disorder doesn't go away by itself but by fighting every day. It's exhausting but know its worth it for peace of mind and happiness. You deserve to find peace and be who God created. You are so talented in your writing don't ever doubt that. I would love to see you travel. Come to Australia and you will absolutely have a place to stay with me and my family. Hope you can cope with the noise with all my brood. HaHa. Much love and always here in good times and bad xxoo

    1. <3

      Thank you so so SO much dear Sonya, you never fail to make me smile with your beautiful comments <3 And you are so right; its all about taking the small steps and never giving up; we become wiser and stronger every day that we continue to fight. Thank you for your wordsabout my writing hun too <3 I do not feel as if I deserve them! Oh Sonya how I would love to come to Australia and see you all <3 it is on the top of my destination list dear, I would love to meet you and your family <3 Thank you ever so much Sonya. I am always here for you too. You continue to help me so much, you truly are amazing Sonya <3 take care and God bless my dear <3 xxx

  2. Dear Emily,
    also think that you have made big progress... not only what you have achieved so far but also your "awareness" of the dangers.
    It is about finding the correct balance between trusting our body again and being "suspicious" about "ED traps"...if you know what I mean.
    You are such a beauty, inside and outside and again, you deserve all the joys!
    At the moment I fight every day- some are better, some harder but I don`t want to be "ruled" by destruction. We have to fight for a strong, healthy and "independent" body and mind - for me it is so exhausting to go against these destructive feelings and thoughts of self-hate, but I doubt there is an easy way out...too much of "chaotic" writing for today!
    Hope you are ok, dear, dear Emily,
    lots of love <3,Theresa

    1. Thank you ever so much dear Theresa <3 you are just so kind and sweet hun <3

      Balance is key, that is for sure. It's difficult to find but I feel more determined than I have for a long time Theresa. Together we must continue to fight for our freedom and strive against the ED with all the strength that we possess.

      It wil not be easy hun, that we both know; but I am here beside you every step of the way, you know you can always talk to me hun <3 thank you so much for your beautiful email dear, I will write bback very soon <3 much love dear Theresa <3 xxx

    2. Thank YOU very much<3