At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 1 February 2016

The New Spring.

Emptiness. The barren moor upon the lonely mountain; exposed and helplessly vulnerable to the harshness of the cruel, pitilessly relentless, bitterly cold winds. The chill that settles and lingers, upon every pore of every inch of the skin, as you immerse yourself in the darkness of the deepest, darkest cavern of the cave which extends into the very bowels of the earth. A chill  which seeps into the very marrow of every bone and claws its way into your very soul.

I don't want to feel like that anymore...

so hollow, so empty, so lifeless and broken deep inside.

Didn't I want this year to be my year. Didn't I want to come alive again, like the vibrant, blossoming, bountiful buds of spring?

But the new spring did not only bring of course, spell upon spell of pure, unbroken, immaculately golden sunshine; days of vitality and growth, spans of fertility, renewal, life. Instead, that spring brought to me rain, and with that rain, the terrible, uncontrollable, wrathful storms. Thick, grey, inter-penetrable clusters of heavy dark clouds crowding in on one another, blocking out the light, casting my world into darkness.

The tender little snowdrops, became soaked and dripping with icy rain.

It's all they could do...that I could barely keep themselves upright, to not be ruthlessly torn from the soil.

I know I have been absent from my blog a little while since I wrote my last post. There are a few reasons for this, all of which I will reflect upon a little more over the next few days. But, firstly...the past week I have felt so disconnected from everything. And recovery is, as always, proving just so, so hard.

And so, yet another week passed me by; another week in which I tried so, so hard to get fully back onto my meal plan, to achieve all of my goals, to give recovery my 100 % ; to never, not once, give in to the cruel, heartless, whispered dictations, of ED.

But...of course, I did not fully, completely, succeed. For every ED victory that I won, there was, eventually, yet another loss.

But if I don't continue to fight...

Then I know I will remain entrapped, within this dark and lonely winter, forever.
So cold, so bitter, so desolate. So deprived of light, and warmth, and life.

If I choose not to recover, I am just going to spend the rest of my life in and out of counselling sessions, sitting in doctor's waiting rooms...I could end up back in hospital, for a second, third, fourth time. Countless times. Perhaps for not as long as I was in there before. Or. Maybe even longer than I was, there before. Weeks, months, half a year. A whole year. And is that the way I want to live my life? Always...a patient? The "sick" girl? The girl who could not, would not, and did not recover?? 

I just need to realise that...I can recover. That I will, if I just allow myself to break away completely from ED.
That I have evry reason to recover, and that I have to fight for it, with every single ounce of strength that I have left in this tired, broken body. Because, as I wrote before...I have two choices, now. Black and white, life and death. Recovery, or eternal imprisonment. For as I well know, a life with an eating disorder is not truly a life at all; and the past few years it feels as if I have slowly been dying inside. torn and bleeding, with the pain, a pain borne out of the fear and the hatred and the guilt.

I need to come alive again...

I need to open up those buds of the New Spring. Let them blossom, let them grow.

I just want to say this, again..thank you, thank you, thank you, for staying with me. My days are just so dark at the moment, but your help and support is like a little candle of light in the darkness. And for that, and for everything else, thank you so, so much, with all my heart. <3 xxx


  1. Emily, there is no shame admitting the struggle. Noone is judging you. I certainly know from experience how hard this is. Yes I've had so many hospital admissions and decades of torment. Don't let it get to that. I'm still struggling but I'm back on track and set myself a deadline. Is there someone you can talk to that you trust? You can't do this alone Emily. I know you have your parents but they are too close to the problem. I'm proud of you Emily, you are a fighter and haven't given up. That's a sign of great character. Is there something you can focus on you love. On the other side is there something that causes you anxiety and triggers you? Can you eliminate that till you get on top? Here for you sweetie. You can do this. I believe in you. Love and support xx

    1. Thank you so, so much dear Sonya hun, I mean every word I cannot stress enough how much your support means to me, truly hun thank you so, so much <3 I am feeling alot more positive today dear, I will take your advice to heart and it will help me move forward along this long and hard road. All my love back to you dear. Thinking of you and sending you all the luck in the world. <3 xxx

  2. Here comes a sunbeam from Austria, straight from my heart. At the moment, times seem to be hard for all of us, but if we stay strong and support each other, we will be winner. I am there for you if you need me, I struggle hard, too, but to know that you are at my side makes me stronger. Please keep on fighting, I send you all my love.
    <3 xxx Maria

    1. aww my dear, this touched my heart so <3 thank you so much my dear, your kind words really mean so much to me. I am always here for you too and always have an open ear for you, always. I am feeling alot stronger now. We can do this hun! All my love right back to you dearest Maria. Take care hun <3 xxx

  3. Heeeey my hunnibunny ;) sorry for being absent for such a long time, but I am also having quite a hard time as well here in the clinic, so I exactly know how you feel at the moment :S and I know how hard this could be...... :( Oh hun we both have to stay strong ;) mostly for ourselves, but also for our loved ones ;) we have to become healthy again and then many many sorrows could probably be away :S for sure we are on such a long way, but this is our JOURNEY ;) we can do it ;) oh hun I am sending you just as Marie many many love from Germany and I know we both can go thorough this time together ;) LOVE U <3

    1. aww huni <3 thank you so, so much for your comment huni, it brought a tear to my eye <3 I really hope you are ok huni, it broke my heart to hear you are finding things tough too :'( I am always here for you hun, please don't ever forget it, I always have an open ear for my Ange, ALWAYS <3 we will be strong huni, and we will make ourselves strong and healthy again <3 and remember huni: DISNEY is waiting for us <3 and not with Miss Mager ;) Love you too huni so so much :* xxxxxxxx