At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Inside that tiny little seed...there lies the greatest and most palpable strength...

So small, so fragile, so delicate. So pitifully and pathetically vulnerable. A tiny, scrubby little shoot, isolated and alone upon the desolate, windswept plain. A cruel, uncaring,  hostile world.

The wind catches it cruelly, maliciously twisting that tender little stem. And then, the rain; the terrible, relentless rain. It pours down without mercy, soaking the thin petals, weighing down each fragile bud, causing them to droop downwards out of shame or painful agony; an agony complemented y the glistening, jewel-like beads of moisture upon every petal. Beads that glisten and then fall, trickling down like tears upon each shivering, paper-thin leaf.

And will the crocus fall? Will those beautiful petals shrivel and curl in on themselves; will it resign itself to death and decay and destruction: to be broken, subjected to total annihilation, to be laid low and trampled down into the cold, dark soil.

And there are those who pass by on their way, affording the form upon the ground a fleeting, momentary glance, before shaking their heads dismissively and turning away, expressing their incredulity that that piteous  thing could possibly hope to survive this long, terrible winter. A winter which has brought so much pain and agony and death.

But what do they know.

What they fail to realise... is that...

inside the seed of that tiny, minute, seemingly helpless little plant....

Lies the strength and endurance of the towering, exquisitely beautiful, impossibly regal stone mountains which rise from the face of the Earth; crystal-topped pinacales and soaring glassy peaks stretching out towards a glowing skyline the colour of creamy candlelight, spiralling their way upwards to gently finger their way through the floaty, cotton-like wisps of soft lilac clouds. In that seed, in that tiny little flower, resides a beauty that will never, ever fade; for it is as long lasting, as infinitely untouchable, as the endless reaches of time itself. That's what lies at the heart of every one of us... So much hope, so much beauty; so much strength.

If only we could just see this with our own eyes; recognise it as a truth, deep within the soul.

We have to move beyond the doubt and the fear. The uncertainty, of what it is going to be like: that life which, which right now might seem to be so far away - that distant, diamond-right star, twinkling, in all its silvery radiance, so far out of our reach in the endless, blue-black velvet of the night sky. But, in fact, that life, that beautiful waiting for us, waiting for us to find that strength deep hidden deep within that pulsating, vibrant seed deep inside us. Waiting for us to grow and blossom...reach out to that beautiful light. We have to let go of the uncertainty and the fear. The belief that we cannot do it.

Because deep inside us lies the greatest and most palpable strength.

The strength to reach forwards now and say, that now is the time to be strong.

That now is the time to say Yes... Yes. Yes, I CAN.


  1. You are such a beautiful and talented writer Emmy. I got goose bumps reading this post. Stay strong gorgeous, I believe in you!xxx

    1. <3 oh hun thank you so, so much <3 i always love getting comments from you, that means such alot hun <3 i wil stay strong dear, thank you so so much for helping me to stay motivated and focused on my ultimate goal. take care dear Karly all my love to you! xxx

  2. Oh Emmy such a beautiful heartwarming post ;) It is so wonderful written and it really makes you feel better after reading it ;) this absolutely made my day now hun and makes me more calm to trust the process :) you are such an amazing person hun <3 love u so so much ;) <3

    1. awww huni thank you so so much, you are just too sweet hun <3 yes huni, you are so right. Recovery is blind faith I suppose, we just have to let go of the chains of ED and take that massive scary leap of faith <3 and we willmake it hun through the mist and rain to the beautiful valley at the other side <3 aww huni YOU are so so amazing don't you ever forget it huni <3 love you loads Nutella girly ;) <3 xxxx