At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 31 October 2014

So this is what is what it's really like...:(

Today I want to tell you a little about what happened to me last Wednesday.
I was at the doctor's...again. As was the case the last time I was there three weeks ago,  I went with the intention of asking for advice about my foot, which has, of late, still been causing me alot of bother, and is still far from being one hundred percent better.
 As I walked - or sort of half-walked, half-hobbled down towards the little health centre at the far side of Trinity, I drew in deep, long breaths of the fresh autumn air and felt my mood lift a little with each inhalation. It would be ok. It would be ok. The doctors were going to help me - they would, in some way or other, miraculously heal my foot and I would be able to walk properly again. How bad could it be? It wasn't broken; there must be something that they could do, that I could do, to help it heal good and proper.
 And then, I thought to myself joyfully, as I turned the handle of the clinic door and stepped into the bright, cheerfully-lit waiting room with the health-promoting posters and the little TV set with those irritatingly amusing british TV shows...and then, then I really, really would be able to focus on my weight gain good and proper. Being able to walk properly again, I would be able to resume once more with my long blissful promenades in the morning and the evenings once again...and I would have the appetite of a horse! I was going to eat loads!!
 That morning when I got up, this was the main train of thought in my mind. This new hope had filled me with positivity. Before I left for the train I treated myself to a good, hearty breakfast: a thick crust of multigrain toast slathered with a load of peanut butter, and 2 - yes, 2, not 1 and a half!! - weetabix with lots of warm milk and a sprinkling of sugar. I was stuffed afterwards, but it felt good. What had once been, at one time, a source of anxiety and alarm to me -that being fullness - now didn't really affect me at all.
 But I walked out that very same door that day in a flood of tears...I went straight to my friend in the library and we went for hot choc in Insomnia, which served to soothe me somewhat. But it couldn't quite eradicate the strong, overwhelming sense of guilt and disappointment which was bludgeoning through my head. With every throb of my pulse, the word failure echoed within my skull. For that's what I felt like, in every sense of the word...a complete and utter failure.
 For my meeting with the doctor that day...a different one from the gentleman I saw last week, this was a female doctor with a quietly serious expression...served to remind me once more of how far I have yet to go. Of how lucky I really am, as well. For I am lucky to have got to where I am was a miracle that I even got through the past two years of college. How I did it, I honestly don't know. The lady doctor gravely told me, at one point in our meeting, that students like me have been taken out of college due to their condition. And boy do I understand why. For I know. I know! I know all too well what it is like, to be starving...because of yourself. Because you are too scared to eat. I know what it is like to not have the energy to actually sit down, take out a book and do some study. The reason for that being your mind can't focus on anything...because it is deprived, like your body, of the vital nourishment it needs to function properly.
 I still need to gain weight, I still need to eat more. Now, I know what it is really, really like - to be, I suppose, sort of "diagnosed" with an eating disorder...things have been taken out of my own hands, now. And it's my own fault. Like, I could have done this on my own. But I didn't take it seriously enough. All those silly little habits and ways related to my ED that I still wasn't quite prepared to let go of...those times when I didn't have appetite and thought, carelessly, I don't need to eat as much today, I'll be fine...all those days when I walked and cycled so, so far, but didn't eat extra to compensate for all that energy lost...well, I regret it now. Now I'm being monitored and have been forbidden to exercise and it's just...awful. I have to gain something by the next time I see my doctor; a dark cloud of pressure is hanging over my head every morning I wake up, at every time I sit down to eat. I wish, I wish I had known better.
If you take anything out of this post today...just please, remember what has happened to me. If you reached the half-recovery stage and were too afraid to go on...please, please, please, don't turn back. Don't end up like me..walking around like a cripple and having to sit in the doctors waiting room once a week in order to get your bmi taken and your weight checked again and again, with the doctor sternly telling you that students like you have had to pull out of college, are lucky to have got to where you are today...
Please, please, please, don't let your ED hold you back...don't let it stop you from making that full recovery, and becoming the person you really want to be. Don't let it stop you from becoming truly happy, healthy, and free.


  1. Hi Emmy :)
    What an inspiring post :) I feel so sorry for you to hear that you are struggling with gaining weight, because you seem so ready for it :) I know in real life saying I want to, feels inside so differently, because this mean ED is making your thoughts drive crazy :( And there are such differences in your feelings, I know that and can relate to you :) because sometimes I experience such a big hate on myself after lunch or a snack for example and other times the same food doesn´t bother me at all :( feels strange always and I think by writing to fight on this mean voice and not stop at half recovery is such a big motivation for me to keep it up :) so thank you very very much :)
    I hope you can cope with it and don´t get down, I know you will be able to manage it :) Believe in yourself!
    xxx :-* Ange

    1. Hi Ange:) aww thank you so much hun you have made the first ever comment on my blog !! <3 I am struggling a bit hun :( It's so hard...I do want to gain weight and I no longer want to be the skinny girl :( But there are just some things that I still can't seem to let go of...I don;t want to eat certain foods which I am told that I should, I don;t want to stop exercising, things like that... you are so right, in describing it as a "voice" - that's exactly what mine is like too, telling me I can't do this, I have to do that, and so on. :(
      I'm trying to stay strong though Ange, and now I actually have sought help from professional people, so I do have plenty of support. And from my lovely readers like you of course:) <3 xxx

  2. Oh reeeeeeeeally? ;) woooow, this is really really cool for me then :) Hahaaa I am the first one :) Oh Emmy, I am so sorry to hear that and I also read it in another recent post of you, that you are struggling, but believe me, I absolutely feel the same way in the last few days :( because I think it feels so much confusing, that on the one hand you WANT to gain weight, because you know it will make you look prettier, you make all worriers happy and you can´t stay at such a low BMI as I do your whole life :( so why not simply eating? :( but then there is this other voice, exactly the way you say it, which tells you to stop because of this triggering number on the scale :( I hate this :( so I think now all we have to do is to focus on such bad behaviors they dictate us and trying to directly cut them out :( I know this is so hard, but please never give up, I think better times are coming for you soon :) Wish you sooo much luck and believe in yourself :)
    Ahahaaa and by the way I like the idea of making your ice cream cake ;) really, your blog is so lovely to read, so I absolutely hope you go on with it :) gives me much inspiration to try out new things ;) <3
    Wish you an amaaaazing next week :)

    1. Aww thank you so much Ange hun <3
      Thank you so, so much for all your helpful and insightful advice too. Yes, I agree with you entirely - it is all about doing what that "voice" tells us NOT to do.
      It can be something really, really small like this - today I had my usual TOAST with peanut butter ;) and a couple of Weetabix and milk...and as I was putting on the peanut butter on the toast, the voice says...stop, what are you doing? Don't put anymore on!! But I managed to anyway and felt good afterwards! Though sometimes I give in to it and let myself down.
      We just need to learn to ignore that voice hun...I think we both know what it is, and what it is trying to make us do. We can both be strong and fight it <3 I have great faith in you Ange!
      Aww Ange! Thank you thank you THANKYOU for such sweet, lovely comments <3 I think I will always blog Ange! I love it so much, as I do reading your own one of course ;) Oh yes do give the ice cream cake a try if you ever get the time hun, it is sooo yummy you will like it well I think ;)
      You too Ange, have a really lovely week <3 xxxxx

  3. This is absolutely self-evident :) I aaaabsolutely enjoy reading your blog and it offers me some nice recipes, which inspire me to try out new things :) so I honestly like it =) and it helps me also so much talking to you about our experiences with this stupid illness, because I can absolutely relate to so many things you say :)
    Oh woooow, you are so right, feel strong in such moments :) this sounds super Emmy, I feel very happy for you doing weeeeell at the moment ;) keep those feelings and your motivation to try out more ;)
    Aaaaw this is so nice of you ;) :-* I also have sooooo much trust and believe in us ;) We can fight this voice! ;) we have to!!!
    Ohhh this is so sweet to read Emmy, honestly, it makes me so happy staying in contact with you and getting the feeling we learn from each other :) This would be soooo great =) we both keep on blogging! ;) There is no questioning right? ;) OOOOOOh and nearly I forgot, today I had another hot chocolate just like you told me =) and I absoluuuutely enjoyed it=) sooo thanks for motivating me! ;)
    Thaaaanks I wish you a suuupiduupi week, too =) <3 xxx
    AAaaah by the way one more question, do you actually know a few german words? ;) Hahaa I am simply asking, cause I am interested :D

  4. Gutentag Ange hun <3 ;)
    Ooh heehee no hun, I'm afraid to say my German is no where near as good as your amazing English ;) I did it for one year in secondary school hun but that was a very long time ago and unfortunately I don't remember that much of it at all :( I remember a few words and Ich heibe Emily, ich bin zehnzig Jahre alot, ich habe einen Bruder und einen Schwester... but honestly hun my German is very bad :o I would love to be able to speak more languages though but I am not very good at pronouncing them :( you have a real gift for languages hun your English is sooo good and you should be very proud of yourself :) <3
    Aww hun thank you so much for such lovely compliments too <3 aww hun I am so glad that my blog is helping you find new foods you love too! That makes me feel so happy <3 which recipes have you tried so far hun?:)
    I love being able to talk with you hun too <3 you are a very special person to me and you are so strong, brave and wise and you always give such wonderful advice <3
    Awwww yayyyy hun that is sooo good to hear :) perhaps you will become a "Hot chocaholic" like me heehee ;) And did you add the marshmallows and maltesers hun yes? ;) It's soo nice <3 and little chocolate biscuits to dunk in it hun too ;)
    Have a lovely weekend hun <3 xxxxx

  5. Hahaaaaa Guuuten Tag Emily ;)
    Sehr Gut gemacht ;) means you honestly did a great job ;) nearly without any mistakes :) Hahaaa and come on, you are studying a language right? =) Of course you have a talent for learning languages ;) So have you ever been to Germany?:) No? =) You could eaaaaasily I am sure ;)
    Aaaaaaw *_* Thank yooooou so much Emmy ;) getting such a compliment honestly makes me feel so happy and proud, because I really looooove learning different languages, so it means very much to get to heaaar that from you ;) I am also doing spanish now at university and I really can say, that I like it ;) even though I find it more complicated, but it is fun learning more about it ;)
    Sooo sweet of you <3
    Yeees, it definitively shows me so many things I could try out and I love to read about those various creations ;) lovely things :) aaaaand I already tried your colorful cupcakes and they worked out very well I think ;) all of them (especially me ) enjoyed them ;) aaaaaaand of course your hot chocolate :) haaaha yeees then we´re the chocaholics ;)great thooooughts ^^oooh and I especially bought for the one last evening such small colorful marshmallows and it looked so funny and was definitivly woooorth it ;) absolutely deeeelicious ;)
    Omg what a nice idea yes, I love the american cookies and I think they could fit perfectly right? =) wow, soon i am going to try that out now ;)
    Wiiiish you a great time giiiirl ;) you are so strong and keep it up ;)
    xxx Ange

    1. Awwww Guten Tag Ange hun <3
      Aww danke hun!!! ;) No hun, I am doing English literature, unfortunately :( and I am finding it very hard :( would love to be able to study a language though hun again! :) No I have never been hun, I would really really love to though!!
      Aww Ange, Spanish is one of the languages I would really love to learn! Is it hard? you are going to be fluent in three languages...hun that is so amazing, it takes a lot of determination and effort to do that hun :) so well done hun you should be sooo proud ;)
      Aww hun I am so pleased you are enjoying baking (and eating ;) ) my recipe ideas!! I am overjoyed to hear that hun! Heehee we are most certainly chocaholics Ange ;) and proud to be that too ;) <3 chocolate ;)
      Oh yes yes yes cookies are AWESOME for dunking Ange as you stick it in the hot liquid and the chocolate melts and goes all soft <3 just make sure the cookie doesn't crumble and sink to the bottom of the mug! That has happened to me so many times!! :)
      Aww Ange you are just so lovely! <3 Take care of yourself too hun, eat well, be brave and say NO to the ED! I believe in you hun <3 and I am always here for you too remember that <3
      Love, emmy <3 xxxxx

    2. Hallöööchen Emmy :-*
      You are honestly doing very well, I love it ;) go on practicing German and tell me how it works and then come and visit me in Germany ;) hahaa no just joking, I don´t want to force you to do anything ;) buut it is so cute and funny ;) aaas wow english literature sounds pretty complicated for me, but I am sure, it is interesting as well as English itself, too ;) as it is an amazing language I think ;)
      Aaaaaw *_* Emmy you are so nice and you push and motivate me so much by saying such lovely things like that ;) Ääähm yes I think, Spanish is a lot more complicated than English for example, but if you keep listening to people talking it, it is much easier I think, than just consequently studying and learning the vocabularies :) You could surely do it too ;) I am sure of that ;)
      OMG YEEEEEES, we 2 are absoluuuuutely chocaholics, hahaaa this is so funny ;) I love it we share this craziness about chocolate and baking :) And it sounds soo sweet the way you write about eating a cookie in hot choc ;) really amuses me so much ;)
      Oh yeees, we can do it ;) NO to this stupid f*** ED :(
      Omg, sooo sweet ;) I am also always here if you need me ;)
      xxx Ange <3

    3. Awww hallochen hun!! <3 does that mean hi hun ja ? ;)xxxx
      Awww thanks so much hun!! <3 I would love to speak it hun! I am just not great at learning languages...awwww hun you are just so nice <3 <3 <3 I would absolutely LOVE to meet you for real sometime hun :) aww and you can come and visit me any time hun if you ever get to come to ireland hun I would love that <3 (sooo much <3 ) !!
      Dawhh I am glad I do hun! <3 Languages truly are fascinating and to be able to speak a number of them hun is such an ENORMOUS achievement :) !
      Heehee we so are hun!! Chocolate and baking...two things that are absolutely GUARANTEED to make me happy hun!! ;) Heehee it is so true though Ange! And it's so irritating when you lose a lovely cookie in your hot choc because it disintegrates completely and goes all soggy!! ;)
      We so can hun! We will never give in, we are in this together and I will always be here to help, support or listen to you hun! Aww thanks Ange I appreciate that so much <3
      Love Emmy <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxx