Eating intuitively. It's easy, right? Eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. Eat what you feel like eating, what your body and mind are telling you you want. Simple.
Easy for them to say. For me, it's quite a different story, indeed.
If I were to do as they say and eat intuitively, I would stop eating my dinner after a couple of mouthfuls as that's when I feel physically full. I wouldn't eat half of what I am currently eating now, because it's rare that I feel physically hungry and therefore, at times, I have to force myself to eat. And then there is the other side of the coin - the constant mental hunger. That's the other extreme. I never really stop thinking about food - about what and how I am going to have it, how much, and at what time. I have cravings and I do not dare follow them. Because to me they do not make any sense. How could I possible crave more peanut butter when I've already had three tablespoons of the stuff that morning? What possibly could be the cause of my desperate longing to have another serving of cereal, when I have just polished off a whole one for my supper, not to mention the even larger one I had consumed earlier that day?
It makes no sense, no sense at all. No matter how hard I try to focus my mind, to pull it desperately away from these intrusive, screaming thoughts, they latch on again, clinging like a limpet to a rock, reasserting themselves with renewed and malicious vigor.
Even though I've gained weight, I can't seem to stop eating.
What happened to that self-control?
You're useless..it's no wonder you're looking so fat and dumpy..
Last night I stood and opened my bedroom window, gazed out upon the rustling, whispering garden: a garden that whispered of secrets untold, a garden in which every tiny plant had parktaken of life's sweet cup; had permitted itself to grow, and flourish. And now that autumn was here, their brightness was fading; but to me they shone as brightly as they had in their summer finery.
Because to look upon them reminded me of the thing that for me cannot be done.
To grow and allow oneself to grow. Without putting a hundred restrictions in place and trying to change, or alter, what was meant to be; what is natural.
Because even after all this time I feel like I am still fighting against my body. Because I've reached that certain point: the glittering milestone with its diamond cut top and polished surface of cold shiny marble. The magic number!! The magic number which is bmi of 19. Once you're here, so they say, you've done the hardest part. You're healthy!! Well done!!
And having reached that number and placed my hand on its unforgivably cold surface, all I felt was panic, not relief. Right. So I've reached the golden number...so God forbid I gain a grams worth more weight.
Something had to give, so I cut a little back. And that's how it remains.
It's like following a precise mathematical formula. As long as the formula is followed, everything falls into place. I feel calmer, more secure, knowing that my weight is not going up, and the volcano under which lies the swelling magma of my anxiety is blissfully, idyllically dormant. The fissure remains sealed and uncannily silent; provided I stick precisely to the formula.
The formula of how to maintain my weight.
But if I once make the slightest step out of line, the crater is ripped open and the lava surges forward. With the heat it feels like it has enough power to destroy everything in its path.
That shiny stone may have looked beautiful from a distance, but now, having reached it, all I can taste is the metallic taste of betrayal. Better..?? I dont feel better. Is this really what the land of recovery truly looks like?
It is different, that much is true. For There are trees where once there was nothing but dead leaves and arid earth. But though the trees bear some sweet new foliage, their boughs are still deprived of blossom or fruit.
Dear Emmy,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry it feels like this still....
I can't think of anything wise to say, except that I don't know who gave you the idea that it wouldn't be like this. *of*course* this is not at all "what the land of recovery truly looks like". This is what the land of half-recovery looks like, and it is why people say it is better than not recovery but not that much better. I don't know where the idea comes from that 19 is magic, or that you will suddenly be able to eat intuitively depending on your BMI, or that you won't experience a mixture of mental cravings and physical perplexity, or that you can get better from a mental illness like colouring in by numbers. A lot of AN is precisely that kind of mindset -- that one can follow a formula perfectly, and then it will all be better. But I don't think health is like that, and that is part of the problem here. I am not a therapist, or trained to know what exactly to say, and I didn't model the best way to do it, though I did _eventually_ escape from this phase, but I think there are better ways than I took. Food/eating are bound up with a lot of things, emotions, memories as well as physical needs etc, and it is natural that changing the physical bit doesn't change all the rest all at once. I know you know this, but a BMI of 19 may not be your set point or healthy weight right now. And real recovery involves - among other things - learning to really deeply trust your body, and respond to its needs. And that does mean that you also need to respond to your other emotional needs, and find ways that don't involve focusing on food/body to look after yourself in those other ways. People, people whom you trust, are helpful! The more you can build life and confidence and a role for yourself outside your body, as well as dealing with whatever lingering memories from the past are plaguing you -- perhaps by talking them through with someone? -- the easier it will be to let go of what's holding you back from full recovery. But don't step backwards; I am not a medic, Emmy, and I am not trained, but as someone who's been through it, it doesn't sound like you are ready for intuitive eating yet and I am not sure that is where you should put the pressure, so much as on the emotional and social work that will make you feel comfortable enough in other ways that your body/food will be less important. But don't lose weight -- I don't think it is really possible to get better properly at a low weight.
Take care. You always sound like you are doing really well, and it is great that you are so honest with yourself about where things are, and that you do have people and friends in your life, and that you are taking the steps you can.
This was such an insightful, thought provoking and truly meaningful comment...and it's so so kind of you to reach out to me like this...thank you so so much I am incredibly touched <3 <3 !
DeleteYour words gave me much to reflect on. And assured me, too. I think I was beginning to feel somewhat disheartened about recovery in so far as I was beginning to believe that this was "it" - there would never be anything better then this and I'd forever be living in ED's shadow. Half recovered is, I've discovered, a truly frustrating and sometimes even torturous place. You're so near - you can see, and feel, what real recovery is really like - but yet everytime you reach out and take hold of it and rejoice in its touch, it slips away from you..like trying to catch a dust more from out of the air.
Thank you. Your comment meant so much to me today, and fueled my determination to keep on going, despite the odds.
Take care, and with lots of warm thoughts to you.xxx