At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday 30 May 2017

We are not alone. xxx

God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is the quote that a dear friend sent me in the past, upon one of the many days upon which I was struggling, and felt like I couldn't go on.

And last Wednesday was a day which felt vaguely reminiscent of those days. A day upon which the depression came back in force, creeping into my heart and extinguishing the candles of hope which had once burned there.

What I had hoped was an eternal sunrise, was in fact another sunset..

Not because of food, or anorexia in itself. Rather, I suppose, one of the major aftereffects which has been brought about through my illness. That being the loneliness, the constant feeling of isolation. I guess it was naive of me to assume that, once college was over, life would suddenly be as bright and as beautiful as a summer garden alive with roses.The reality, of course, was very, very different. On returning from my Gran's, the loneliness hit me again like a cold, strong wave smashing against the delicate sands of the shore.

It all felt very familiar, that Wednesday. I guess that's because I know that I've been to this place before. I've followed the exact same pattern as I did last year, in more ways than one. Gone from underweight to weight restored again; gone from being vaguely aware of just how lonely I feel, to an intense, razor-sharp consciousness of my solitude, my isolation, and the desolation that comes along with it.

While I was gaining weight, that sense of purpose in my mind seemed to take the edges off the pain of being alone. Once again I was lured into the trap of making naive assumptions about how ideal my new life would be like. I would have tonnes of friends again, somehow. I would be confident. I would appreciate every single moment of every single day, and embrace life with all my heart, as I never have managed to before.

But now once again I feel like the girl who got left behind. The outsider. The one destined to tread her own lonely little path. Do people think that I am happy like this? My heart beats its own desolate little rhythm. 

Please, no, don't leave me. I no longer want to be alone.

Every year of my illness was a lonely one, marked by tears of isolation. But it mattered less to me then than it does now. Because back then I had ED as my...soulmate. There's no denying the fact that I derived a sort of comfort from him. We danced together in what constituted a warped, twisted courtship; a relationship founded on abuse and subordination of the weaker other.

We knew each other so, so well. He knew all my strengths, all my weaknesses. In time, I learned to know his.

And it was then I began to fight back, to struggle to break free. My eyes had been opened. For the first time since the commencement of our relationship, I recognized him for what he really was. An abusive, sick partner who had broken my heart and very nearly broke my soul.

But all those years; all those years, of being alone, of declining invitations to social events, to turning down the friendly offers of former classmates to join in on nights out, to come along to the party, to pop over for pre drinks and nibbles.

Did I fear the thought of being the one left out; did I weep at the thought of being isolated? Yes, I did. But sadly, I feared the thoughts of eating, of anyone finding out my secret, even more. ED convinced me every time not to go, and that's what I always did. I would cry every time, wanting to go, but knowing I would not. And he would comfort me, telling me that whatever happened, I will still be here.

All those years sit heavily upon my shoulders now, as heavy and as crippling as shackles.

Because now I am no longer the girl who wants to be with ED. Now I want to dance upon dance floors, wear pretty dresses and eye-catching makeup, to flutter my eyelashes at boys. Now I want to love, and be loved. Now, I want to live, to grasp the quivering heartstrings of life with my bare, outstretched hands.

But now it seems to be all to late.

My college days are over and gone. I can't go back in time and relive them again; can't grab hold of those opportunities which I, back then, allowed to pass me by.

If only life could be like a dancer progressing from move to move, each one standing as a marker on her journey to success.
If you mess one particular move up, it's ok, you can go back to it. You can go back to it and do it all again. Then, when you have done it the way you really, really want, you can move on to what lies ahead. Learning, and getting better, and stronger. Working at each one until you get it just right.

But life isn't really like that, I know. I can't go back and redo it all again. I can only work with what I have.

But I have learnt. I have got stronger. And, I know, if I try really hard, I don't have to limp my way through the next few stages of my life journey. I hope that I can learn to dance. 💙

If we would only let it,
hope can spring forth, like a beautiful summer flower.💕



In my next post I will talk a little more about what I intend to do to combat this loneliness, and to further weaken the remaining bonds of ED. I hope that this will help all those who feel alone in this battle💙xxx


9 comments:

  1. Hi Emmy - I am so sorry you are feeling low. Are there friends from college you can look up even though college has ended now? Sometimes you just have to make the first move when it comes to being social and if you did I`m sure they will jump at the chance of meeting you for coffee etc. Don`t worry about all the times you said no to things in the past, this is YOU now, a new stage in your life so concentrate on being happy today, not think about all the yesterdays you have missed.
    Also don`t be too hard on yourself - its hard to adjust to going from having a routine each day to suddenly having unstructured days where study is no longer part of it. You are bound to feel at a loose end. Look up some of your old friends, make the first move, try to find some structure to your day. You will probably find on doing so that they are in the same boat - wondering what to do now college has finished.
    Or maybe you and your mum could do something - go out to lunch, go shopping in town, go for a coffee - things to get you out of the house and doing social things again?

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    1. <3 thank you so much for your message. it really meant an incredible alot - i know i say that every time but it's so true! <3

      One of the toughest things for me is the fact that so many of the people whoI did know in uni have moved away or have full time jobs..when I had to go to hospital two years ago I had to drop out of that year meaning my closest friends graduated before I did. I never made any new friends in the repeat year as everyone already had their own social circles at that stage. The other thing that makes it so hard for me to get in touch with others is the fear that in simply messaging them, I will be "bothering" them or irritating them. Writing that, I know it sounds stupid, but I know myself: for me it's a very real and concrete fear.

      But I will really try to bear your advice in mind and be more assertive, and try not to convince myself that noone on this earth could possibly want to see me - I need to realise that that's all in my head. Thank you so much for all your suggestions - they are wonderful. I really appreciate your help so much. xxxx

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  2. Dear Emmy,
    I recognise the place where you are so well ... and yet from the other side, where I know that there is a world where people are truly friends and there for us. That's not because I have been or done anything special -- quite the reverse; quite the reverse. It is because people are actually really lovely, and if you tumble yourself into their midst, you find golden souls among them.

    I am so glad to read in your closing note that you have ideas about combating the loneliness. I look forward to reading them!
    My ideas would be twofold: 1) find something that does bring you purpose, and contact with people; for me that was signing up for a course and then a job after my degree -- it was not what I did long term, but it was so much better than being at home all the time! For me, but you must do what is right for you. 2) go to the GP and tell him/her how you are? This is depression, and maybe he/she will do something useful? Would you lose anything by going? Would you be able to say what kinds of help you might be open to, and what not? If you don't want one form of help, you may well be able to say that, and let them work with you to find another. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but do you lose anything by trying?
    <3 You write beautifully, you know.
    Take care, and no, you are right, you are not alone!

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    1. Thank you so much for this...I really can't express enough how much it meant to me! <3
      I want so much more than anything to believe that what you said happened to you, could happen to me, too. But I am so so afraid to let myself hope for fear of being disappointed. In the past it seems I have always had hopes raised only for them to come crashing down again.
      It's true, the past few years of my life I have met so many lovely, lovely people - all of whom I hoped and prayed would stay in touch with me. But it was always me who ended up doing the messaging, and no answers just left me believing that they did not want to maintain the friendship. Each occurrence of this was enough to break me every time. I find it incredibly hard to accept that people often do move on. I just really hope that somehow I will be able to make new connections. I have a few ideas as I say...not many but I guess it's a start.
      Thank you so much for your own ones - you are about how I feel, and it would indeed be wonderful to get involved in something which brought me closer to people.It's hard to do so, leaving in a rural area as I do, but the least I can do is tryt to find out if there is anything at all I could sign up to.

      Thank you so much again for your message. I am so touch and so very, very grateful. xxx

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    2. :-) thank you also for your lovely replies always!
      you say in both your messages here about the insecurities around messaging people --
      i think that is why it is so important to find situations that bring one naturally into face-to-face contact. When one feels vulnerable, it is so easy to pore over texts -- what they do say, what they don't say, what the hidden meanings in both of those might be, and then to take it all personally. I have been there so many times! But if one actually comes into human contact with people in the tumble of life, then one learns to see it through different spectacles and in a different frame. One realises that the texts are not actually the big deal we thought they were, and we do find places where we feel accepted. Of course, it is always a mixture and there are always some contexts where we feel more confident and others less, but ... well, my experience is that just having to be with people more and work with them on some common purpose is generally a good thing. One CAN have bad experiences, and if that happens then sometimes it is better to leave, but you know, there are so many good experiences out there.
      I appreciate the problem of the rural area, you must know better than I can imagine how that can and cannot be overcome.
      Do take courage and find something, or somethings. It will be fun! And fun to read about your adventures if you write them here.

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    3. ps also, I wanted to add -- I had a similar experience to you, in that I dropped down a year at university due to weight and then had to do finals in a very lonely year without knowing anyone, and friends from before did not keep in touch, not even the couple who had stayed in the city, nor even the one who I had been really close to during her final year. Honestly, it passes, people build lives, and you're still friends later, it is just people are distracted, and it's best for us when we are too :-) Take care, and hope you find something lovely, with lovely people around you. You are a truly lovely person yourself -- it shines through your blog so, so vividly.

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    4. Aww and thank YOU for writing your even lovelier comments! <3
      Oh and what you wrote about texting - they could have been my own words as that is EXACTLY what I do - micro analyse texts and messages and come to all sorts of false conclusions when doing so. It's always, "oh no, she must have been so irritated by my stupid message!" or something along the lines of that. And needless to say it causes me alot of stress and worry which isnt even really necessary.

      I really appreciate your advice so much and have indeed acted upon it in the past few days - and have arranged to see one of my closest friends which I am really looking forward to <3 And I am going to continue trying to be more assertive and ignore that niggling voice telling me that I am "bothering" people.

      Yes I will most certainly update you on my adventures and goals over the next few days - thank you so much again for all your advice <3 xxx

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  3. Ohhh hun you never are alone ;) *_* I swear you are such a lovely, wonderful adorable person, you can´t be alone, because we all love u that much ;) There is a songtext, i don´t know if you probably know it which says: You never walk alone
    Walk on through the wind
    Walk on through the rain
    For your dreams be tossed and blown
    Walk on, Walk on
    With hope in your heart
    And you'll never walk alone
    You'll never walk alone

    We all are here for you, and i absolutely know this so well, being left from friends or put out of their circle of friends,... this can be so mean and harmful, especially for a sensitive person like me and youuu ;) hun i love u and i believe in you xxxxxxxx ANGE

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    1. Awwww Ange huni...!!! I don't have the words to describe how much your message meant to me..it brought tears to my eyes thank you ever so much hun <3 <3 <3

      That is an absolutely beautiful little verse mo chroí..I love it and will write it down and pin it to my inspiration board!!! <3 "With hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone.." oh I love that line so much Ange hun <3

      I love you so very much and thank you with all my heart and soul for your comment mo chroí <3 all my love! xxxxxxxxxxx

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