At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Friday, 21 April 2017
If only things had not had to change.
If only childhood would stretch out forever,
extending out towards the horizon
like a desert's endless, sweeping sands.
But things had to change and I was powerless to stop them. Childhood ended; was torn away from me, snatched away from my flailing hands, a delicate leaf borne away by a callous winter's storm.
Ahead of me loomed the darkness of adolescence.
A darkness in which a black-cloaked demon waited, cloaked in its own shadow.
If only I hadn't been so stupid, so stubborn.
If only I had chosen to listen to my loved ones, rather than that monster in my head
which was dragging me down into its embrace, consuming both my body and mind.
Crushing me to pieces, spitting out only the bits which weren't even really me at all -
A hurting, angry, bitter girl, who snapped at everyone and refused to let anyone in.
If only I had listened.
If only I had been stronger.
If only I had chosen to fight back, before it was too late.
But the days turned to months; the months, to years.
My bones became weak and brittle,
crumbling like flaking winter leaves.
My body became weaker. Friends stopped caring, began to slip quietly away.
I was alone. Alone, with nothing, but a broken body and a broken heart.
I forgot how to really laugh, how to really smile.
I forgot how it felt to feel alive.
My happiness, shrivelled up,
like a tender flowerbud exposed to a harsh, cruel sun.
And I look back now and see a countless number of if onlys.
At times like this, it's hard to want to keep on going forwards, searching for that longed for light.
Not knowing whether there is a light, or if there is any point in searching for it.
But try I must and keep trying, we will.
I don't want there to be any more if onlys.
I can only hold on to what is left to me, now. Hold what I love close to my breast, and take those tentative steps forward.💙