At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 21 April 2017

If Only...

If only things had been different.

If only things had not had to change.

If only childhood would stretch out forever,

extending out towards the horizon

like a desert's endless, sweeping sands.

But things had to change and I was powerless to stop them. Childhood ended; was torn away from me, snatched away from my flailing hands, a delicate leaf borne away by a callous winter's storm.

Ahead of me loomed the darkness of adolescence.

A darkness in which a black-cloaked demon waited, cloaked in its own shadow.

If only I hadn't been so stupid, so stubborn.

If only I had chosen to listen to my loved ones, rather than that monster in my head
which was dragging me down into its embrace, consuming both my body and mind.

Crushing me to pieces, spitting out only the bits which weren't even really me at all -

A hurting, angry, bitter girl, who snapped at everyone and refused to let anyone in.

If only I had listened.

If only I had been stronger.

If only I had chosen to fight back, before it was too late.

But the days turned to months; the months, to years.

My bones became weak and brittle,
crumbling like flaking winter leaves.
My body became weaker. Friends stopped caring, began to slip quietly away.

I was alone. Alone, with nothing, but a broken body and a broken heart.

I forgot how to really laugh, how to really smile.

I forgot how it felt to feel alive.

My happiness, shrivelled up,

like a tender flowerbud exposed to a harsh, cruel sun.

And I look back now and see a countless number of if onlys.

At times like this, it's hard to want to keep on going forwards, searching for that longed for light.

Not knowing whether there is a light, or if there is any point in searching for it.

But try I must and keep trying, we will.

I don't want there to be any more if onlys.

I can only hold on to what is left to me, now. Hold what I love close to my breast, and take those tentative steps forward.💙


  1. "Not knowing whether there is a light" is one of the hardest places to be. It sounds a very isolating feeling?
    Perhaps that is part of it?
    I know that I cannot take that way ("if only" I could...!), and I know that it doesn't really make it better for me to say I wish you didn't suffer so and I am sorry, and that you are held dear and heard deeply by people you don't know ("if only" it did make it better, since it is true...!). I know that my firm conviction that there *is* a light, and that you *will* live to see it, if you keep holding on in the way you describe here, is not something that you can feel at the moment ("if only" it were...!). And that leaves me without any words, writing simply in the hope you may know you are "seen" and "found" in fellowship, however strange it may seem, and that there are readers who want to stay with you through this, staying somewhere nearby with you in the place where you are, exactly as you are, no matter how dark, intense, and isolating it feels.

    1. Thank you so, so much for this. Your words really did help me actually. It means an incredible amount to know that there are others always there for me - even if i can't see them or hear them, they are there. And I think there IS a light, too. It may be dim but it is there and I really hope that every day I choose to fight, it gets that one tiny, tiny bit stronger..thank you so very, very much <3 xxx

  2. You have to have faith and believe in what you are doing even though you cannot always see the way. Hang onto thoughts of your long term goal and continue to take steps towards it - each step forward, however small will take you closer to your final destination. You will get there, you are a fighter, a survivor. Don`t give up because the way is muddled and unclear, you are stronger than that! Believe, believe, believe. You WILL get there, xxx

    1. Thank you so much for your message. I know I came across as very negative writing this the moment I feel very lost" having reached the weight restored phase and not knowing how to proceed further's so very hard, so very scary. But I will go forth today with your advice fixed in my mind! Thank you so incredibly much, every little comment means so much to me! xxx

  3. Well done for reaching this point in your recovery, I am so pleased for you!
    You have overcome so much to get this far and now all your hard work has paid off. You are truly an inspiration that recovery is possible :)

    1. Aww thank you so so much!! I really appreciate your support <3 It WAS hard. and this is the hardest stage of all, now. I think this is the place when we have to draw on our greatest strength of all. But it WILL be all worth it in the end.It is so worth fighting for! <3 xxx

  4. Hi Emmy - haven't seen you on here for for a while so I was wondering if you`re ok? you are probably busy with your final studies?
    I hope everythings alright though and life is running smoothly for you xxx

    1. Hello!! Im back! Oh yes I am really well- thank you ever so much for thinking of me <3 I'm writing a blog post today! It was just so, so busy over the past few weeks and sadly I didn't have time to write :( thank you again so much! Your comment meant alot! xxxxx