At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday 8 March 2017

This is what I am fighting for... xxx


And so I went back, back to Trinity, back to the place where I never felt as if I belonged, or was accepted. Late September, with golden crisp leaves falling all around me, dread clenching my heart in its ice-cold, bloodless grip. A sense of fear and uncertainty settling upon my shoulders like a wintry fog which drenches every pore of the skin.

 The months that followed felt like an eternity; an eternity of just drifting along upon the rough, turbulent currents of an endless, swirling ocean. I put myself through the necessary motions so that I just about managed to keep myself afloat - each day, I ate something; each day, I put off the ever-present suicide thoughts, clinging desperately to the flimsy lifeline flung out to me by the tiny, minute bit of hope that I had left: a hope that whispered stop, no, things wil get better...

Please, God, let them get better....


 And the days dragged on, and though I did not drown I felt like I was dying inside. An empty shell,plucked from the rocks, cast reeling into the raging, surging tide. That's what it felt like; that's what I was. Wave after wave of loneliness and depression, engulfing me.



But now. Now I have pulsed to the surface: a vibrant, beating heartbeat, pulsating with strength and life and hope.

Now I am like the long-winged seabird which was pulled into the murky brown depths of this hostile, bitter sea .Her feathers became saturated, weighed down with the water and with sheer, crippling fatigue and wretchedness. but then, suddenly, she found her strength again and propels herself towards the light glowing above.

And I look to the sky now and see that beautiful star, my star. The place where I want to be. The place where I will be able to say...

I made it. Here I am. 

Here, recovered.

The Light in my Sky...💗xxx

But I know, all too well, just how easy it is to lose sight of that diamond-bright star. To look up to the sky and only see the clouds; the jagged lightning. To only see the distance that lies between you and there, and then, on perceiving that distance, to allow yourself to be engulfed by crushing waves of despair and self-doubt.

So far away...I'll never, ever get there...

That's how I felt, too, so many times. I would see the star, and my heart would surge with hope. But then, merely a few days later, I was down again, slipping back into old routines, old habits that I had vowed to forever dispense with. And I lost sight of the light.

Rise and fall, rise and fall, like the dipping waves of the sea.

I want to keep that star in sight. Something to guide me through the tough times; when the seas all around me get too choppy and rough. And then, even when the clouds do roll in, reaching with their thick, smoky fingers to blot out and obscure my star. I will look bravely toward that sky, and whisper to myself something which I realise now is the most fundamental truth.

No matter how thick the clouds and violent the storm; no matter how rough and grey may be the raging winter sea....

We have to always remember that recovery is within our reach. And that we can and will get there...if we only just believe in ourselves.💓




I am fighting for...


  • For my mam and my sister and my gran and all my dear friends, who have always been there for me, who have always believed in me, who always helped me to get back up when I fell to the ground and thought that I could not get back up again. I could never have made it to where I am today, without them. 💗

me and mam, not long after my hospital discharge...2 years ago now..
  • For my readers, who through their heartfelt support and encouragement gave me the strength to push on along the difficult long road, and who made me realise that I am never truly alone.
  • And, of course, for myself. For my freedom, for my future, for my life.  
I need to recover, because...
  • To remain where I am is to remain trapped in a living hell.
  • If I do not recover, my bones will further deteriorate.
  • To remain underweight will mean that my oestrogen levels will never recover. In my whole entire life, I have only ever had one lone, single period. Without oestrogen I don't stand a chance of improving my osteoporosis or having children.
  • I have spent half of my life being ill. ED has taken so, so much away from me. And he will continue to do so, again and again and again, until there is nothing left for him to take. 
When I am recovered, I will...
  • Be able to prove to others who have suffered as I did, that true recovery is possible.
  • Not feel so tired, lifeless and exhausted all the time. To be glowing with health and happiness and energy. 😊
  • Feel and look so, so much better. 
  • Concentrate properly again. 
  • Be able to work again on my two writing projects  - Morokia and The Hand Around my Wrist.
  • Learn to love and accept my body, and feel happy in my own skin.
  • Make all of my loved ones so happy and proud.
  • Eat in a restaurant without fear.
  • Have a woman's body, not a girl's. Accept my body and feel comfortable in my own skin.
  • Have curves, a bust and a bum. ;)
  • Be able to exercise when I want, for how long or short I want - to not feel under a conpulsion to do so; but to do it out of pure joy and pleasure; for that amazing, amazing feeling or moving my body and feeling how strong it has become. 
  • Wear a bikini and not feel ashamed or self-conscious...always, in the past, to do so was something that caused me so much shame and self-loathing...it was always a case of being repulsed by either my weight loss or weight gain. But now all that is going to change. 💪
In order to achieve this, I am...
  • Make weekly goals in all aspects of recovery.
  • Eat to my meal plan every day as I have been - but to also add in any necessary increases as detailed below!!
  • Be open and honest, don't keep my struggles meshed up inside.
  • Make a list of ED habits and work on fixing them, one by one.
  • Challenge myself by eating fear foods.
  • Tackle quite the most difficult challenge of all - reducing (a GOOD bit, not just a little) all forms of physical activity, until I am weight restored.
  • Reach a healthy bmi (and not the minimum of healthy. )
  • When college is over, take the time to destress, relax and unwind. Then my plan is to get involved in something which will allow me to further distance myself from Ed.
  • Throw out all my old, skinny clothes and get new ones which will fit my healthy, strong new body. Mam says that we are going to go shopping around my birthday in April so I think that will give me the perfect opportunity to do this.. ;) 
  • Keeping that brightly glowing little image in my head. The image of me, Emmy, recovered. An Emmy sitting in our favourite Mallorcan restaurant in Mallorca, laughing and smiling with dancing lights in her eyes. Of an Emmy charging through the Daisy field in high summer, strong brown legs carrying her like a fleeing nymph across the ground. Of an Emmy whose smile is real and unfeigned; not a forced little curl of the lips, designed to hide the sharpness of my pain, my turbulent, shattered emotions.
That's what the real Emmy is like...

And so I continue to walk towards to light, my hands reaching for that star...

Ps... It was half past 11 when I made these lists and I am literally so sleepy and yawning my head off...so no doubt I have left LOADS of stuff out..there are so, so many reasons to recover and I may indeed have to add in some more when I am a bit more awake. But for now, it's to the Land of Nod for this girl. Good night everyone 💕

8 comments:

  1. Be here and with you, Dear <3<3, Theresa

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    1. <3 thank you hun <3 we are in this together and I am here for you always <3 xxxxxxxxx

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  2. Onwards and upwards. The only way xxxxxxxx

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    1. <3 thank you hun <3 are you ok, I have missed you ever so much the past few months <3 thank you so much for your support...you are so right, dear. There will be no turning back this time! All my love <3 xxx

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    2. Life can be so good, if you just do what makes you happy - that's the key! I'm always here for you, even if I don't blog any more, am here in the background rooting for you! xxxx

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    3. <3 aww hun that is such a good motto to live by! It's so true hun <3 aww, Annie thank you so, so much - that means more than the world to me hun <3 you have helped me so much in my journey and I'm forever grateful to you <3 all my love dear <3 xxxx

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  3. Good luck and stay strong and fighting - you can do it xxx You are stronger than your ED, take each day as it comes - you`ll get there xxx

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    1. <3 Thank you so so much for your support <3 it means such alot! And I am beginning to realise just that - that I CAN be the stronger one and that in itself feels incredible! xxx

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