At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 8 September 2016

Everything that it did not take, it left broken.

There was a time when I did not think about how easily things can be broken. The happy, carefree, innocent little girl that I was.

Around the landscape of my childhood I would run and jump and play, my big blue eyes taking in every detail of a world that shone around me in such vibrant, dazzling, enchanting colours. Colours which thrilled me and excited me; which served to irresistibly arouse my curiosity; prompting me to reach out with probing fingers to discover and feel and learn.

And then there came that day upon which I had to learn that vital lesson. The slender crystal glass upon the fireplace in the red-wallpapered sitting room; its brim overflowing with delicate, lush sweetpeas which filled the very air with their fragrance. I was lured to the glass like a bee drawn to nectar: a thing of such delicate, simple beauty that I felt compelled to reach out and touch it. I wanted to brush the tender petals of those dainty little flowers against the bare skin of my cheek; to inhale their perfume into my nostrils; to lose myself in the feelings and fantasies that that scent spontaneously evoked. Suddenly I could be a princess in a story, gazing out of the window with a handful of fragrant blooms clutched to her breast. In that childhood world, I could be anyone that I wanted. It was a world alot less crueler than the one which I was really born into.

But then the glass slipped from my fingers, those beautiful petals fluttering like moth wings as they fell away from me towards the hard ground. My hands moved to somehow save those delicate flowers: at the expense, of course, of the glass in which they had been contained. It hit the wooden floor with an ear-splitting crash; sending shards of glittering crystal skittering to all four corners of the room. Realisation of what I had done hit me like a fist between the eyes. Sitting down amongst those pieces, my fingers still clutching the few flowers which I had managed to save, I had cried bitterly, unable to fully comprehend the devastation I had wrecked upon the helplessly vulnerable object that I had barely seconds ago just held.

So that was the day when I finally realised that things could and would be broken. Broken, so, so easily: All it takesis that one fatal little slip.

And from that day on I was consistently vigilant and careful. My touch was gentle and my hands were meek. I knew that things could be broken. And I was prepared to take all measures to not let anything else in my life be damaged by my actions.

But little did I know that something would do the breaking for me.

It's ten years now roughly since that day. That day in September 2006, when I went into secondary school. Ten years since I became aware of that Voice which I now know as my little Ed.

It began to take things. It did not give them back. The more and more I would give in to him, allow him to take from me, the more greedy he would become. There was no such thing as enough, for him: he would always ask for more. And more did I give, desperate to please him, willing to hand over anything to make him cease his relentless onslaught.

And now so much of what is taken, is broken, seemingly beyond repair. My osteoporotic bones, weakened and brittle, never again to be strong. My confidence. My ability to concentrate and ability to remember things. All of those things, and more, have been taken. But there are other things which I valued yet more, which have been taken, too. Friendships and relationships; trust and love and joy. All gone, broken. Broken by ed. And yet why do i still give in to him? Why do I still let him control me; the thing that has destroyed so much of my life?

There are some days when I just feel so broken. Both my mind and my body feel as fragile as that delicate crystal glass that I destroyed all those years ago. But this, in a way, is worse; as it feels as if this time, it was not all because of me. I was not strong enough; I had allowed myself to slip up, to be broken and snapped like a brittle, thin twig. if only perhaps I had been stronger, then maybe my broken pieces would still be intact; maybe I would still be whole. But no, I was weak. Ed was stronger than I was. At times I want to weep out of bitterness, just like that little girl that I once was: to cry bitterly for the loss of the things that were so precious; those things that I know cannot be replaced.

This is not the life that I want to live; a broken, shattered way of existence. Because even though I am weight restored, I am not by any means recovered. Ed still controls me, Ed still wants to take from me until there is nothing left to take. It wants to break all that I have and that I love. It has already broken so much of what I had. Relationships and bonds that I thought could not be snapped apart; but Ed's touch is sharper than a knife's; just as deadly. I do not know how to fix what is broken. I can only try, and hope, and pray that I can mend them.

And I suppose the only way that I can hope to do this is choose with my heart to recover. To recover full circle; to climb the mountain to the very top. Otherwise I know that everything will be broken. Including, myself: in body, soul, and heart. 


  1. Dear, wish I could say more than ...."hugs I am sending you"...don`t blame yourself...I am thinking a lot a the moment...ed is not OUR choice...but recovery,and we have to decide every day , many times to do so!
    Dear, I might feel quite well the way you feel...Theresa

    1. That is so, so true hun..recovery IS a choice; a battle we choose to fight every minute of every hour of every day..thank you so much for being there for me dear, your support is invaluable to mexxx

  2. Emmy, you need to stop blaming yourself for things you can't control and aren't your fault. You are NOT weak because you have an eating disorder. Rather, you are STRONG because you have the strength to recover. You are still so young and have so much life ahead of you. If you recover now that just means even more time to repair and realise those dreams that have been put on hold the last 10 years. You've made so much progress since you started your blog. Please keep it up - you are so much stronger than you realise.
    Love always, Megan xx

    1. Oh Megan thank you so so much for your really means so much. I believe that I do have the strength to do this, deep down. There are just times like this when I feel as if I am drowning in my own regret. But I suppose that is also something I have to overcome. I know I have to keep on going no matter what. Thank you so much for being there for me dear. Sending you so much love all the way from

  3. You write so beautifully Emmy, Ed has not taken that away from you, and never will, so don't you let him!

    I don't believe for one minute that you are weak, not at all. You are weight restored - there is no way at all that you could have achieved this if you were weak. You have to be strong, oh so very strong to fight your way back to weight restoration.

    It is much easier to repair the body than it is the mind, but you have started your journey. The body must be repaired, the brain is nourished, and then you are ready and prepared to begin your mental battle to recovery.

    You can do this Emmy. I won't lie - the road is not smooth, as I am sure you are well aware. But you have the strength and the power to keep going along that road, and you are not alone. I'm with you, as are so many others. This is a battle that you will win. You may feel broken, and I completely understand that and how horrendous it feels, but unlike that vase, you can repair yourself, because you are STRONG <3 Sending you so much support and love and hugs. Keep going always. xxxxxxxxxx

    1. Thank you so so much dear...your comment really was so lovely and really warmed my heart <3

      I guess this is the toughest part, the mental battle of which we speak. I just am unsure as to how I am going to do this. Everything is just so uncertain and unfamiliar here and there are days when I just feel as if I will be "stuck" in half recovery for ever.

      But I am just so grateful that I have you and my readers to help me get back up when I am feeling hopeless or too afraid to carry on. I am so, so grateful for all your support hun. It keeps me going through the tough times. I will keep on fighting dear. Sending so much love to

  4. I hope I was able to help in some way, I just hate the thought of you struggling and suffering.

    You're so right, the mental battle is the hardest, but we have to keep fighting in order to win the war. I don't think any of us is ever sure how we are going to do this, but the only way forward is through. It is how we learn to become ourselves, how we discover our identity as an adult, no longer a child.

    I completely understand feeling stuck - you feel neither recovered nor anorexic, the limbo between illness and health. But you'll get there, as long as you keep at it, keep chipping away, no matter how little it is, any chip forwards is progress, even maintenance is progress!

    I'm always here if you need any support, just message me. Xoxo

    1. <3 You have no idea just how much you have helped me hun..your words speak to my very soul <3

      What you say is so so true, and I really wuill try hard to focus now on what I need to work on in order to move forward..I feel as if I have not been moving forward for a while now, just stuick in that limbo of which we both speak.

      I thuink as well that the onset of these feelings of hopelessness and fear have been triggered by my anixety surrounding gouing back to college uin a few weeks tuime. I just have one year to go but this does not change how afraid I feel deep insuide.

      Thank you ever so much dear, you are such a star and an amazing fruiend, thank you so muich for being there for me <3 and I am always here for you too, please dont ever forget that <3 xxx

  5. �� ☺
    SIA - bird set free.
    Just listen to it.

    1. <3 thank you..I love Sia and I wuill definuitely check that out. thank you so muich for the recommendation amigo :) x