At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Friday, 1 April 2016
Weekly update ;) and some goals !!
Like that moment today when I opened the kitchen cupboard where I keep my bags of salted nuts. As I opened the door and took out the bag which I had opened this past Monday, I thought..shall I bother weighing them out..? No, I won't. I know it's about a handful.
That about. In Ed;s terms, that single word, more often that I would like can become a less than.
Part of me, of course, says to myself that I am being stupid for making a fuss about such small, minute things. But the other part of me rejects that other voice; because I guess, it's quite possible, that that voice telling me to stop being so "pernickety" might be just another mutation of the ED voice, the one which wants me to backtrack on myself and undo all the progress that I have made over the past month. Because I know all too well that these things can start off small. I was talking alot about how the relapse occurred with my close friend yesterday, and it made me realise just how totally sneaky the eating disorder just is, the way it creeps back up to you, whispering seductively in your ear the soft breathy promises that you are only being sensible. Sensible, to forget about the meal plan now, and just start to eat like everybody else does. Healthy, to totally cut out eating toast for breakfast, or to forbear from eating a snack with your hot chocolate. Perfectly acceptable,, to skip lunch every now and again, because you are just simply too busy to sit down and eat something. Ah, yes. The endless lies of Ed. And I believed every single one of them, and like the helpless butterfly being lured into the spider's web, so I became entrapped into this enmeshment of lies and secrecy and deceit.
So, yes. I think it just all comes to show, that that little voice which is telling me that I am just being silly and obsessive for dwelling on such small details, is in fact just another form of Ed, trying to lead me right back to the path of ruin once again. And i know more than anything that i cannot let that happen.
But anyway: weekly goals.:)
1.) To continue to follow Meal Plan B down to a tee.
The days when I am in my home environment I have been doing really well in sticking to my increased Meal Plan. It's the days when I am at coll which are proving to be my downfall.
In a few weeks time, this problem will more or less be obliterated in that I will be finished at coll apart from the exams and I will be at home for most of the time, but for the remaining few weeks of lectures I know I have to be astute and tackle this obstacle accordingly. I suppose this means really, making sure I am not convinced by Ed to "not bother" bringing hot choc and some soda bread and pb, AND the nuts, all in my bag to coll. Or from holding back from asking a friend to go for coffee. You are too busy to go, you don't need it, one skipped hot choc won't hurt - yep, I recognise now that that clearly is Ed, trying to sway me off track again...and I would rather go to hell and back then let him succeed.
Again, the old difficulty of making lunch when I am alone or making it for myself. When it comes to having egg or tuna mayo as a filling in a roll, say, I manage that fine because I guess, it is an exact amount which I know I need to have - 1 egg, or half a can of tuna - with a good dollop of mayonnaise. but then with cheese it's different, and cheese, is something which I adore and like to eat regularly at lunchtime. But because there's no exact amount I know I should have..this often gives Ed a chance to slip in. its as if there is an invisible hand holding that cheese knife for me, telling me that that is fine and that there's plenty enough there..but no, I know that oftentimes it is not enough. The same goes for ham and chicken too. This is something which I realy want to work on as protein is something which I know is so important for my physical recovery right now.
3.) Carbs at dinner.
Another ED habit that is proving very difficult to budge..not serving myself enough potatoes/rice/bread etc at dinner. I know the amount that I need to have and that I want to have - I just need to shout back down that Voice which whispers to me, oh, you have enough, ooh that's plenty emmy. - and give my body the fuel and energy that it needs.
4.) Bigger snacks.;)
I am in general pretty good when it comes to my snackies..I enjoy them so much and generally I feel more hungry at snacktime then at lunch and dinner. So I am just going to ensure I keep this up, and make my snacks that wee bit more generous. Meaning, lots and lots of pb on my toast/half a bagel/crumpet etc, a good, big handful of nuts; etc etc etc.
So I guess that's enough goals for now, haha. Overall, I am doing okay. Collage is getting me down alot, and at this point I am just longing for it to all to be over, for the weight of the pressure be lifted from my shoulders, for the sadness and the shame which has enveloped my heart in a cold, tight fist to relinquish its crippling grip, so I can fly again, free as a bird. because right now, every smile that I allow to pass my lips; every ebb of joy which surges through my veins on realising I have won a victory against Ed. Each moment of happiness is interlaced with melancholy; tinged with a sadness that I cannot brush away. Like the small, but ultimately fatal first few spores of a waxing, corrupting fungus on the surface of the beautiful fruit.
But I know that all I can do is try. Try, and do my best. And I hope that soon, some day, then the rain will cease to fall and the pain will fade away.