At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 22 July 2017

A battle that I fought and WON..xxxx

Barcelona. I knew the word and I guess I thought I knew the city - or did I? What defines to know a place? I had heard of it, of course; had claim to a somewhat scanty knowledge about where it was and what it was like there.

But never did I once consider that upon a day in June, approximately three years since I embarked upon the journey which is recovery from an eating disorder, I would be setting off on one of the biggest adventures of my life, to exactly that place - the golden glowing jewel which is Barcelona. And I've been here for over four weeks now, and this beautiful place has already stolen a piece of my heart.

I say Barcelona but perhaps it would be more correct to say Catalonia. As I'm not based in the actual city itself; but rather, in the countryside some little way inland. I'm just outside a little town called Centelles. It's small and quaint and full of that quintessential Spanish charm, with its narrow streets and ornate, high-towered church, the many bakeries whose windows are adorned with shelf upon shelf of tantalising delights, and its scattering of ice cream parlours which the Ganache Elf has frequented quite often of late. ;)

Making the decision to come here was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I had so many fears and so many insecurities. What it would be like, would the other people like and accept me, would I cope being away from home. And then of course there was Ed, hovering in the back of my mind like a malignant wasp which refuses to be swatted away.

But I took that leap and threw myself off the cliff into the deep. A deep so unknown and so terrifying in its immensity. But then I discovered that instead of being drowned by that fear, of being borne away by that rushing tide, I could learn to master it, to ride those waves. And the waves would touch my face and skin, soaking me to the bone, but that cold fear need not touch my heart and soul. I could be like the graceful silver dolphin, cutting through those waves; I could be like the shooting white star, slicing through an infinite, ink-black sky.

This trip for me has been about so many things. Pushing myself beyond my comfort zone, and learning to learn that I could cope with being away from my beloved home. It's been a learning experience and an adventure. I've done things which I've never done before, met people who I know I will remember for the rest of my life. I've taught my way through four classes of bright eyed children, each one with their own story to tell, each one with their own different personality and different smile. Faces and names which have been inscribed on my heart. I know as time passes, the concrete images now fixed in my head will begin to fade. But I know that the memory of them will be with me forever, as will the joy that I found came hand in hand with their identifying of me as their teacher.

I have discovered that it is with children I want to work with, for my future. The sense of fulfilment I have derived from this job - the way the children's faces light up when I praise them for all their hard work; that sense of pride and fondness I feel tugging at my heart when I look through their homework and marvel at the progress they have made - is something like which I have never quite felt before, and want to feel again, once I return home. I only have one week left now - I've been four weeks here since yesterday, a fact that amazes me in itself - and my time in Catalonia has almost come to an end.

It has been hard. So hard , in many ways. But one thing that I know is that I do not regret anything about my decision to come here. It has changed me in ways which I know I needed to be changed. And now my life's path will bring me back home, home to that rugged little island perched on the edge of immense Atlantic Ocean, to that cream-walled Dorma Bungalow at the island's very heart. Mid summer in that bungalow's emerald-bright garden, where the eucalyptus tree rustles its aromatic, papery skinned branches and the sweet peas flowers stir in a soft summer breeze. And it is here where my recovery journey continues on. And I know exactly what I am going to do, and how I am going to achieve it. ❤

I'm so sorry for my blogging absence over the past few weeks - it's literally been so so hectic I haven't had a chance to write at all! Over the next few days I will hopefully get to fill you in on the stuff I've been doing while I've been here, and normal blogging will resume once I'm back in Ireland. Thank you so, so much for sticking with me and thinking of me, for all the comments and words of encouragement, the advice and support. It means SO much, it really really does! šŸ’—








10 comments:

  1. What an amazing step. You can do anything! You have just begun Emily and nothing will get in your way. Conquering your fears is a huge part of long term recovery. I'm cheering for you. x

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    1. Aw and Sonya thank you so so much for sticking with me and cheering me on - your support has meant so much to me on this journey <3 I haven't felt so happy and excited for the future so much so before..it's a truly amazing feeling <3 thank you dear! <3 xxx

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  2. <3 Thank you so much for sharing this heart-warming news,

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    1. <3 and thank YOU for your support it means so so much!! thank you!! <3 xxx

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  3. YES! I'm really proud of you Emily! And I enjoy teaching as well, I love filling those little hearts with the joy of learning, creativity and improvement.. but still I feel it's too stereotypical for me. :) I hope you're all well and feeling great in your body and most important, yourself. I have a book recommendation for you and it's called: The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. I think you've become a master yourself. :')

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    1. aw you are so so kind thank you ever so much!! Oh I will definitely check this book out! I really welcome any recommendations like that so thank you very much for it <3 and oh don't be swayed by any critical voices in your head - go with your gut and if something feels right deep down you must pursue that goal <3 ! xxx

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  4. Woooooow *CHeeeers up* Emmy my beautiful little fighter girl ;) I am so happy proud amazed and haaaaappy again for you ;) Barcelona truly is a special magic place to find joy and brightness ;) I am so glad you also enjoy it thiiiis much ;) Keep up the wonderful work hun ;) and this blog is so beautifully written *_* xxxx my hun ;)

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    1. awww hun you are just so so so sweet and kind thank you so much mo chroĆ­ your comment brought a tear to my eye! <3 aw huni I loved this city so much, I put some pictures on fb hun did you see them? <3 thank you Ange hun I love you loads too I'm sending you my biggest ever hug <3 xxxxx

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  5. Oh Emmy I am so pleased for you! Your life has taken on a whole new meaning now because you were brave enough to face your insecurities and take the plunge into the unknown....and look how it has rewarded you! You have a new career to work out and look forward to and its all down to your own strength and determination to try something new for you. This couldn't have happened to a nicer, more deserving person and you should be so proud. Enjoy your final days in Barcelona xxx

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    1. Awww your comment made me cry! Thank you so very very much!! It means the world to me it really, really does. I can honestly say the support of my readers has been indispensable to me in getting this far and Im forever grateful to each and every one of you <3 thank you with all my heart! And I will!! <3 xxxx

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